Hopefully someone can help me

[Cheeks9441]

Hi, I’ve never posted anything in a forum of any kind before, so I really don’t know what to expect from this. The only thing I’ll say in preface is that I’m very open to suggestions, so feel free to comment below.

I am a 27-year-old male that has been battling depression – undiagnosed, but I know it’s there – for about a year. I lost my job about 13 months ago and basked in the glory of unlimited free time for about a month or two before I really became depressed. For about six months, I did absolutely nothing. It was a chore to get out of bed. It was a miracle if I got to the gym. It was absolute hell.

In January, I finally confessed to my parents what I was going through. Things got a little bit better for a while – I began seeing a therapist once a week and started to take some steps in the right direction – but my progress has all but evaporated. I am no longer seeing the therapist due to a severe lack of funds and, while I’m not as depressed as I was in December, it’s not that far off.

In addition to having no money, I also seem to have no motivation to do anything. I have no confidence in myself. Worst of all, I have no hope that any of this will change anytime soon.

Aside from breaking down to tell my parents and about a dozen sessions with a therapist, I have not told anybody any of this. I have wonderful friends and relatives that would be more than happy to listen and help, but I’ve never been one to share my thoughts, feelings or experiences. Especially with something like depression, I consider it an unnecessary burden on family/friends to tell them all the bad things that are going on in my life. Plus I’m quite embarrassed about all of this, for obvious reasons.

So as a result, I end up drowning in a pool of my own thoughts. I have made little progress in my quest for happiness, my quest for a full-time job, or my quest for normalcy over the last year. It has been awful. I’ve been a total waste of space for over a year, even though I genuinely don’t want to be. It’s like how most people have a day or two every month where they just get nothing accomplished. That’s fine, of course, but I’ve had 350 of those days in the last 13 months.

As a result, I basically hate the person I’ve come and hate myself for not being able to get out of this rut. I’m well-educated, well supported by friends and family, and have some legitimate skills to offer the world, but I just can’t get out of this hideous rut.

I also have a major issue with procrastination. Lots of people struggle with procrastination, but it is a legitimate problem for me. I’m constantly rushing to do things or late for things because I wasted time doing nothing. I even procrastinate my procrastinating, which is about 100 times more ridiculous than it sounds.

Perhaps my biggest issue is my struggles with (fear of?) money. I only have a few hundred dollars in my bank account right now, but I’m due thousands of dollars between work I’ve done and unemployment benefits I’m entitled to that I just haven’t collected. I have checks that sit on my desk for months, payment forms that I don’t fill out, benefits that go uncollected. And I don’t know why. I desperately need the money, but I can’t make myself do these things.

On that note, it’s 2:40 a.m. and I need to go to bed. Please let me know if you have any thoughts. I’m running out of solutions and, quite honestly, running out of time.

[Obayan]

In today's economy, being out of work and out of money is a common theme. More and more people are having to move in with relatives just to get by. I honestly believe that one of the most responsible things you can ever do is ask for help when you need it. Needing help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of being human. As for the procrastination, sometimes we just have to force ourselves to do what we need to until it's no longer a matter of forcing it. You will find there is a sence of accomplishement with each tast you complete. But do try to take just one thing at a time. It may get done slower, but it will get done.

[shatteredhopes]

I sooo identify with your situation. It seems depression and procrastination and sloth all go together....it makes us so lethargic...and I don't know about you, but I know for me when I finally get close to doing something, anything, then I get paralyzed by anxiety! Losing a job and being out of work diminishes self esteem and confidence too, then it becomes a cycle and it is hard to break out of that rut.

Obayan is right, one small step at a time. Something that helps me a little is acknowledging my accomplishments everyday. Sounds pathetic, but even bathing, brushing my hair and teeth are huge when depressed, so I give myself credit for that. Then when I feel a tiny bit better or proud of doing something, I get motivated to do more. Maybe you could start with just a goal to keep up with the checks and bills? Give yourself a little structure and set aside time every week to accomplish that, then reward yourself somehow when you do...like for me I like bubble baths or frozen mochas or stupid sit-coms on t.v. What do you like? Do things that comfort you and give you a little pleasure...do you have any hobbies for instance?

If you are in the USA, check with community mental health services (you can find through social services) for free or sliding scale services. Also, I know my community mental health has a free job counselor and job seekers support group. Looking for work is hard on anyone, but extremely difficult for those of us who are depressed. Would be nice if you could get a little support system in place to help you get the courage to try.

What about doing a little volunteer work? You are well-educated and have skills, I am sure some charity or politician running for office would love to have your help...even 2 hours a week? Would be motivating and something for resume to show you've been productive in work gap.

I know its hard family and friends and 'real life' people worry so much and often don't understand. But you have found a family of people here. Posting and talking about things really helps me a lot. Gets things out of my head and able to let go instead of running around and around in my mind.

BIG BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!! Wishing you a little light and peace in your day...

[Obayan]

((( shattered )))) is so smart. Listen to what she says.

(((( hugs ))))

[eletricchair]

Hm, i'm a newbie here too. I have some friends who are "depressed" too and, my "depression" makes me feel I don't have it. I think you may be a great person, and if you're not in my opinion you should just be yourself and believe in it. I'm not good at writing these things... I guess you should first see yourself in a better way and find some people who have the same problem or similar as yours and talk about it. Money comes and go everytime, if you want it you need to be re ready to catch it when it comes. And I personally think there's some things more important than it. Try to look at yourself in a better way, try to see the good things on yourself and try to see what bothers you and see what can be fixed. Get activies to your calendar, not only things everyone will clap their hands but what makes you clap your hands to yourself. If you like to look to the sky, go ahead look to sky. And if you want, try to help people who are worse than you. Maybe not financially but spiritually, physically, mentally... If you believe in god, go to the church or something related. If something about your usual religion bothers you, try to see another and another... Until you find what is better to you. Rise up!

I hope things get better to you.

[Obayan]

Thank you. Some good things said here.