Starting off, my life is like a lifetime movie/ jerry springer show! I am so depressed and at a loss for what i should do.I haven't done anything detrimental. I can't sleep, food has lost it's taste so i'm not eating..i have lost from a size 8 to a 3, i don't want to get out of bed...i'm either angry or sad all the time.I just need an honest opinion of someone who does not know me about my situation and how to stop it.
Starting off, I am a divorced mother of 4. Married for 19 years, my ex husband cheated on me with my best friend of 12 years-who was also my brothers wife. we were all 4 inseperable...so I was devastated when all of this came out. To make it worse, after the divorces were final, the two of them got married the day before my birthday. I have been to counseling and have pretty much dealt with all of that. I no longer get that terrible ache in my stomache when i think back on it. My current situation is the one with all of the strife.
I started dating the lawyer that handled my divorce. I felt a connection to him at our first meeting. He is a good person..let me say that . When we first started talking about other things than my case, he informed me he had a girlfriend but it was pretty much over and he was trying to break it off...so we (he and I) slowed way down because I didn't want to be involved in anything like that. As my divorce dragged on ...the girlfriend went to Washington state, he told me she was gone for good so we became very serious.I fell so very deeply in love with this man. well girlfriend returned a month later, with a whole new persona, and the clothes to match! Just as fate works...he lost his secretary a week later...what is girlfriends job?? NOw his secretary...well, we did the whole he loves me one week then he loves her the next week...from August till sept. I left him completely alone to be with her...He shows up at my door almost 3 weeks later at 11:30 pm to confess his undying love. I had my doubts but i took him back with open arms..he promised to get rid of her, even asked me to work for him, i declined. Weeks and weeks went by he never got rid of her and I put up with it, our love grew stronger, then I moved 2 hours away for my job.The trouble really began then. He assured me everything was ok, he and her were just friends and he loved only me, he did however tell me he cared for her. He came every weekend, I was happy most of the time,but i was not allowed to call the office while she was there because she would flip out and leave and not return to work for several days...i never understood. i admit i called a few times for spite just to tell hime i'd left a key out or something...just to see if everything was on the up and up. it seemed to be more then not. In mid january he tells me that he is confused and he is still in love with her. She does all of these wonderful things for him, cleans his house(his law office is in his house) and buys him things and blah blah blah so i let him go...I told him that i loved him too much to have him looking back with doubts. We cried but he jumped at the chance...that lasted 2-3 days, he was back...so we have done this again..back and forth, i cut off all contact, it still doesn't work, he always comes back. This past weekend was probably the last straw. for the past month , he has been supposedly "by himslf" working on figuring all this out...not hardly!! I announce I am comming into town and I'd like to see him, he seems a little leary..come to find out for the previous 3 weeks he had been "trying to work it out with her" but neglected to mention it to me!! you people need to understand...this man was still calling me and talking on the phone for 6-7 hours a night, every night!!! He was texting me of his undying love...what the H_LL???? So I of course did not know all of this when i arrived in town untill i see her car in his driveway and its not a workday. They are gone...he texts me and gives me some lame excuse. well sat night after a few drinks i ride over to his house with my friends because he texts and says she refuses to leave unless he calls the police. We were looking for trouble, I WANTED ANSWERS! when we got there it was ugly, she sat and said nothing with this stupid grin on her face, he was drunk and miserable, i went to go to my car and he chased after me, i turned around and punched him dead in the cheek! I was so hurt!! The next day we talked i went to see him and oh my god, yes we had sex...what is wrong with me?? he told her about it and yes she still works for him but has cried and thrown up and dressed sexy and done everything she possibly can to envoke a guilt trip . He says he has turned over a new "honest leaf", I am trying it out...he came up to visit me the past two days and is returning this weekend, but is honest and says he loves us both the same but for different reasons...she is telling him that she is leaving for san fransisco tonight unless he chooses to be with her ...today is supposed to be her last day working for him and o!! the theatrics were outstanding! I hurt for months, i know what she is going thru but i never called him and told him about it, i never wanted him to love me for guilt...what the heck is she doing? Someone help me...am i crazy...what do i do???
I need help...or do i? My story
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
Wow you have been through some awful stuff with men! First, good for you on getting counseling to heal from what your husband and best friend did, that is truly awful.
What you are going through with your current man makes my break up woes seem mild! Throughout my relationship, I kept putting up with some crap...including things like him ignoring my birthday but sending his ex-girlfriend a card for hers, and him writing lost love poetry to her 9 months into our relationship...ultimately, he dumped me and harshly at that, apparently with his sights on someone else given how quickly he was writing love poetry to another...
What did I learn?
Once a cheat, likely always a cheat. You put up with enough, even if she leaves for SF, he is likely going to feel a longing for her in his heart and may keep up contact or reconnect or move on with another if he has had such a hard, hard time remaining just faithful to one woman. You've given him more than his share of chances to do right by you. It is obviously hurting you and stressing you out and depressing you, and echoes in some senses what you went through with your ex-husband...you keep tolerating it, I learned, they will keep dishing it out.
I'm not telling you anything you don't already know...but that having been said, I know leaving or letting go of someone you love is as hard as breaking an addiction or even harder sometimes, and even when it is the right thing to do or forced upon you by circumstances, it is crushing, painful, so, so hard...
If you can, why not return to counseling? Talk it through with a therapist as well as peers here, as people here will support you whatever you decide is right for you, as we are not in your shoes. I just wish with my ex I had gotten out early before I got hurt so much throughout the relationship and got in too deep and was ultimately harshy dumped in the end. Even though you already invested this much time and tolerance trying to make it work and given him plenty of chances, my fear is if you don't let him go, you will be hurt even more in the long run from the sound of him. There was a point with my ex where he had been carrying on online with a woman who was flirty with him, and I was so angry I know I could have let him go then...but I gave him yet another chance, and that was a big big mistake. Because I kept giving him more and more chances, he got away with more and more, and I lost more and more of me, and the relationship was totally tilted to be his way or the highway. It was dysfunctionally sick, and I became sicker as a result.
Best wishes to you in whatever you decide. We are here listening and can offer support and a little advice for whatever its worth...best wishes to you in your journey!
What you are going through with your current man makes my break up woes seem mild! Throughout my relationship, I kept putting up with some crap...including things like him ignoring my birthday but sending his ex-girlfriend a card for hers, and him writing lost love poetry to her 9 months into our relationship...ultimately, he dumped me and harshly at that, apparently with his sights on someone else given how quickly he was writing love poetry to another...
What did I learn?
Once a cheat, likely always a cheat. You put up with enough, even if she leaves for SF, he is likely going to feel a longing for her in his heart and may keep up contact or reconnect or move on with another if he has had such a hard, hard time remaining just faithful to one woman. You've given him more than his share of chances to do right by you. It is obviously hurting you and stressing you out and depressing you, and echoes in some senses what you went through with your ex-husband...you keep tolerating it, I learned, they will keep dishing it out.
I'm not telling you anything you don't already know...but that having been said, I know leaving or letting go of someone you love is as hard as breaking an addiction or even harder sometimes, and even when it is the right thing to do or forced upon you by circumstances, it is crushing, painful, so, so hard...
If you can, why not return to counseling? Talk it through with a therapist as well as peers here, as people here will support you whatever you decide is right for you, as we are not in your shoes. I just wish with my ex I had gotten out early before I got hurt so much throughout the relationship and got in too deep and was ultimately harshy dumped in the end. Even though you already invested this much time and tolerance trying to make it work and given him plenty of chances, my fear is if you don't let him go, you will be hurt even more in the long run from the sound of him. There was a point with my ex where he had been carrying on online with a woman who was flirty with him, and I was so angry I know I could have let him go then...but I gave him yet another chance, and that was a big big mistake. Because I kept giving him more and more chances, he got away with more and more, and I lost more and more of me, and the relationship was totally tilted to be his way or the highway. It was dysfunctionally sick, and I became sicker as a result.
Best wishes to you in whatever you decide. We are here listening and can offer support and a little advice for whatever its worth...best wishes to you in your journey!
Wow! Shatteredhopes, You are speaking the total truth. All of these things are screaming out inside of me...i tell him these things and he says once he figures it out he will never ever do anything to hurt me or our relationship again. he constantly apologizes for the hurt and pain he has caused, but sometimes sorry just isn't enough. I just don't know how to say no to him... I have let him go so many times to "figure it out" and he comes back everytime....I know and so does the evil ex g/f that he will long for her...that's why she is doing this. I do wonder , how will it ever work, how will i ever trust him completely. yes i have given so much of myself i often wonder if there is anything left to give. I'm a sucker for punishment i guess. I can't tell you how much i appreciate you talking to me. I thank you for all of your wonderful insights. I read on dans blog what you had said about your ex, i am going to look for that book, i can suggest a book i have just recently read called "in the meantime" it was on the new york best sellers list. Great book! it has not lead to an appiphany for me, but it has helped with my healing. I am seeking counseling, my first appt is next week. I have to learn to love myself enough to let go. 
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
Thank you Crystal, sometimes knowing what to do and being able to do it are two totally different things...I am so caught up in wanting to believe him, and now he has actually been brutally honest with me...this , as hard as it is, is refreshing and atleast I know that it is my choice based on the truth and not lies as to stay or leave. He still has not made a "choice" yet, but he has spent every moment he can with me...she is no longer speaking to him unless he brings her a ring. I am at a loss , I am not the demanding type, but I do value honesty and loyalty....I don't know how i will feel if he chooses to be with her, devistated i am sure, but I think I am just ready for this to all be over. I am refusing to get my hopes up because I am afraid to fall to far... Thank you both for taking the time to read my pathetic love life and to give me your thoughts. (((((HUGS))))
I am worried for you. If he chooses to be with you, all I can see is a lifetime of hurt because as shatteredhopes said, "once a cheat, almost always a cheat." I know you love him very much....I just hope you are not setting yourself up for a fall. Please take care of you and your emotional health. I am glad you are going to get counselling once again.
Thank you Mich, I know what your saying is true. Reality is knocking at my hearts door everyday.I am still stuck in a fantasy that i just cannot seem to get out of. It is all so easily said ....just so freggin hard to do it. She is of course back again...never went to San Francisco...She lies and plays so many head games and it is so hard to deal with. I am not that type of person and I can't understand it all. I have always been straight forward and honest. My heart aches so badly. It's like i don't want to let go...am i afraid i won't be able to find someone else who likes all of the things i do? not to mention our sex life is phenominal! I have often wondered if he did choose me, would I really be the winner in this? or would she? And what kind of life would I have to look forward to? I just don't know how to let go....why? It's not his looks, or his career, its his voice, the way he walks, the way he kisses me. I will miss him so terribly.
I am terrified of loosing him and at the same time I am terrified to win him....what is wrong with me?
I am terrified of loosing him and at the same time I am terrified to win him....what is wrong with me?
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