help me!

[rosie0623]

So when I went to the doctors the other day and told the nurse practitioner how I was feeling, I felt that he was judging me. I told him I had been feeling depressed and my anxiety attacks were getting worse and he responded with how do I know I what was an anxiety attack was, and how do I know I m depressed. I tried to explain to him I know how I feel but it was if he was judging me. He looked at me funny and asked me the same question several times in many different ways. I do believe I know how I was feeling then and every other day. I tried to explain that I was crying all the time and I felt so alone, and I wished that when I went to sleep I would never wake up and he looked at me like I had 10 heads! Its hard to explain how you feel and why. If I knew why I felt the way I do I would fix it. I dont like feeling lost or out of control, and I really hate that I take my anger out on innocent people. I tried to explain to him that to be 22 and to go through what I have been through was no easy task. I was born addicted to drugs, and my real mother sold me for sex so she could get high. My own father didnt want me and the only reason he took me was because he felt obligated. My whole life he would take his anger out on me and my younger brother. We reminded him of what his past was and he disliked it. Now I can't say I was innocent, what I can say was i was angry and confused and hurt so i would do spiteful things, on top of it all my step mother made it very clear who her favorites were and we were always being pitted against each other. My older step brother molested me until I was about 16. He made it seem like it was all my fault that I was dirty and deserved it and I did believe it. He got trashed not too long ago when I was 21 and made me have sex with him. I thank the lord everyday that he is in jail for other crimes and I wish to god I could send him to jail for that, but at the same time my family would never believe me and it would make my life worse. I recently started seeing a therapist and although she is trying to help me when I left her office I couldn't breath. I was freaking out and I ended up missing a class.( i go to college) I couldn't breath and the thought of being surrounded by strangers especially males terrified me and i couldn't bring myself to attend this class. Unfortunately my school work is suffering because there are days when I am too terrified to attend class so I drive around just to pretend I went. What hurts the most is the people I love the most are being hurt by this. I feel like I can't possibly begin to explain what I went through and what I;m going through and yet I feel as if I owe them and explanation. I just dont know what to do anymore. As much as I would love to continue to go to school, I dont feel as if I can handle it anymore. I can't focus in class for fear that I am going to be attacked or harmed in some way. I wish I could tell my professors but I know it wouldnt make a difference, plus the fact that I am drinking so much. I know drinking is not the answer but at the same time it feels as if it is the only answer. For a short time the pain is gone, as is the thoughts. I feel as if I can't be harmed anymore, and once the buzz wheres off I have to paste on a smile and pretend as if everything is ok. I can't honsetly say that I havemt htought of sucicide, I have in the past but I know I will never go through with it. Im too worried about how it would efeect everyone around me. I will admit that sometimes Im driving I am tempted to drive into a trucj or a wall just to see how it would "feel" and I wonder what its like to get stabbed and I'll take a knife to stab myself and yet I don't go through with it. I dont' believe that makes me sucidal but you never knbwo right? I want to die and at the same time I don't want to hurt anyone. I dont want people to blame themselves for my actions, which is why i knwo I'll never go through with it. I am tired of pretending im happy when I'm not. Im tired of the times I;m having a good time and the tears come. I want to be normal. I dont want the memories of the hurt or the pain anymore. I dont want to cry myself to sleep or be crying when I wake up and what I hatre the most more than anything is the dreams I have and the wakikng up in the middle of the nightr screaming or crying. I want shock therapy or happy pills. I just want everything to go away and for me to never remeber what happened. Is that to much to ask? Am I in trouble???? I will be meeting with my therapist for the second time soonj, she seems nice and yet at the same time idk. Can I trust her? will I be safe? If I tell all what will happen. These thought plague my mind everyday. I need opions and advice!!!!! What do I do?
Signed: Alone at 22

[xn728]

hi there rosie0623,,,,ive read your story and i find it deelply upsetting ,,you ask us for help ,there are many of us here who care lots for each other ,,we all have simaler burdens to carry ,,we can offer to support you if you wish ,,and we will certanly give you lots of support on this long road we all travel on ,,,we try to give kind and compassionate words to lift each other on here ,,i hope you soon feel part of the family ,,and you will im sure make new freinds ,,,if you should stumble on this road ,,we will reach out and catch your fall,,,,WELCOME HOME !!!!!!
HUGS XN728,,,XXXX

[shatteredhopes]

Dear friend...you have suffered far too much for one so young and I'm sorry you had to endure all those horrible traumatic things. After such a past, of course you would likely be traumatized and depressed, but the good thing is you are seeking help NOW, not waiting and suppressing til it gets worse, festering inside you....

Why not show the therapist what you wrote here? I think that the therapist knowing your past will help her steer you and diagnose you...you may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, for which there are treatments.

Sorry the doc gave you such a hard time. GPs often don't understand mental health issues, one I had one time asked me why I was depressed, suggested it was a religious problem, and that I didn't need my medicine, without teaching me to tapper off it....a psychiatrist wouldn't treat you that way. Maybe your therapist can refer you to someone good? Or help you get anxiety medicine at least (there are plenty that can help some non-narcotic and even some over the counter herbals work for some).

I am glad you are getting therapy. One thing I would caution, you generally get as much out of it as you put into it...you have to be fully open and honest with your therapist for them to help you. One of my problems is I had so much shame and sorrow I kept bottled up and wasn't able to talk about it, then it exploded later from not dealing with it earlier. So good for you for seeking help NOW. You can get treatment that may turn your life around, and despite a horrible sad past, you can have a bright wonderful future...

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[rosie0623]

I have told my therapist about 90 percent of everything. I think my issue is that I've held it in for so long that when I had a chance to speak to someone it just flew out of my mouth and I couldn't stop it. For some reason I felt as if I had done something horrible. By the end of the session I couldn't breath, I was freaking out. All these thoughts were going through my mind, and I couldn't help but be afraid of someone or something. I felt like a freak and that I should be locked up and never let out again. It was so hard and painful to bring up everything. There was a reason I suppressed it for so long and I wish I could have done it forever. My therapist doesn't believe in drugs, she wants to do meditation but what I want to know is how is that going to help my depression? Or better yet my anxiety? I am skeptic but if she says it works I am willing to give it a try. Im willing to do anything. I have gone way to long feeling like this and having this cloud hanging over my head.