Dreadful

[lisalou]

I feel dreadful,I've been awake since very early this morning and I couldn't get to sleep for ages as I felt so miserable and started crying uncontrollably which upset, and then annoyed my boyfriend. He's had enough of me. I'd been feeling disturbed ever since I (stupidly) went into town with him amongst the xmas shoppers, my anxiety levels have been really high lately, i'm constantly dizzy, sick, having headaches, dissociated, ears ringing,chest pains etc etc. I just felt sad that we never do anything together any more but it was awful. Today is the first day of the play he's in and i'm going to see it but I'm not looking forward to it which i feel horrible about. I never genuinely look forward to doing anything anymore. Anyway, now I've bored you lot too with my selfishness so i will go

[xn728]

you never bore me ,and this is your visitor ,making you say these things ,so dont worry ,i will never let you go away ,i amoung others need
to hear your kind words at such times when you feel better ,and
your only hurting yourself lisa cos ,you feel so down ,ive been at the shop all week lisa and i have had xmas up to the neck hole ,so i know how you
feel ,the greeting you left for me the other day was so uplifting ,
i need you to be here for me lisa ,so sorry you aint going anywere
how selfish is that ,but meant with all my heart ,im sure mark will see how hard you have had to push yourself to support him today and this can only make your realasionship stronger ,no matter how hard it seems ,now stay safe and dont make me come in there ,lol .,,,,,and i will check on you tonight ,,,,,,,love ken ,,,,,,

[hollyann]

((((((((lisalou))))))))))))

Not selfish at all.And you are making an effort even though its hard on you. Please be proud of yourself for that. Do you have anything to take for the anxiety? Sometimes I will take one of mine before I go somewhere or do something to help me get through it as easily as possible. You aren't alone, and aren't selfish at all. You are going to that play even though you feel the way you do. You went shopping feeling the way you do. Don't be hard on yourself please. Be proud. And once again you weren't selfish at all. And definately not selfish when you are making the effort in spite of your feelings.

hollyann

[TackingIntoTheWind]

You're not being selfish at all. In fact I've always had the impression that you are a very sensible person, who communicates quite difficult concepts very clearly. ( Are you absolutely SURE you're not Welsh? )
So, I can understand exactly what you mean. My own anxiety levels have been trending up recently. The world somehow seems more crowded, noisy and " jangling ", I'm trying to avoid the Christmas crowds as much as possible. And, I ducked out of the office Christmas meal, mainly because the city is so crowded on Friday afternoons and evenings.
Take things as slow and steady as you can. Don't assume that you know what you boyfriend thinks, particularly, don't assume the worst.
Hang in there! ( If only because I want more haikus! )

[Mich]

Lisa - *hugs* You are not being selfish at all. Depression is a monster. I give you so much credit for trying to go shopping with Mark. It was a tough thing for you to do, but you gave it a try. I really agree with TackingIntoTheWind's remark that you shouldn't assume you know what Mark is thinking. He is likely very worried about you but your depression makes you think in a negative light. This time of year is so, so tough but I know we can get through it together here....all of us.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((lisalou)))))))))))) i agree with the others, you are NOT selfish and your relationship with Mark is probably better than you think, we always assume the worst when we are depressed...you are making the effort in going to his play, and I"m sure you do other little things for him to show him you love him and he probably understands how hard these things are for you and loves you for it.

Thinking of you and wishing you light and peace in your day...

[lisalou]

Thank you all for your replies and your thoughtfulness. I'm not actually on anything specifically for anxiety hollyann, but my antidepressant, amitryptiline, is meant to be quite a sedating one, it makes me tired but doeasn't seem to be helping with much else! Managed to go to Mark's play ok, a panto version of Alice in Wonderland, he was the mad hatter, even i had to smile when he was running around shouting 'We're all mad now!!!'. Oh yes.......

P.s I don't THINK i'm Welsh but Mark might be, he does eat rather a lot of leeks.......

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Aha, so Mark eats leeks does he? He only needs to eat a few more leeks and he will be ours!!!! Bwha, Ha, Ha, Ha!!!!!
Glad you were able to go to his pantomime, and that you could get some enjoyment out of it. It reminds me of a pantomime a friend of mine wrote a few years ago now. It was based on the legend of Robin Hood, and my friend played Friar Tuck. My friend even had his hair tonsured in the authentic monkish style. But, even so, he still had more hair than I did. And, unfortunately, he has pictures to prove it.
Seriously, though folks, take care of yourself!

[lisalou]

No he will never be yours TackingIntoTheWind, there is too much Earl Grey tea running in his blood!!!!!! I've put more haikus on the forum though as an act of international peace-keeping

On a less fun note, have had another dreadful day. Feel so low that i feel literally flattened. I am irritable, in pain and hating myself deeply. Been trying to get in touch with my support worker for days. she finally rang back but i really didn't feel it helped, it just made me feel worse. As willing as i am for people to try and help me work through this depression it just feels like nothing could ever be enough, like i am this big knotted ball of wool that just can't be undone any more

A thought though - if i really was wool my cats would probably like me even more

[xn728]

hang on in there lisa ,you get through it flower .listen weve done it before
and we.ll do it again not much help i know ,but i do know that pain and you cant deny it ,ive got my phychiartrit tommorrow and im writing everything down here on my jotter ,ive got to make this work lisa ,coupeled with the wieght thing it could all go t,t up my last stand i think ,,,,ill be thinking of you flower please be here ,,,,,((((lisa))))),,ken

[lisalou]

thanks for such a prompt reply ken, i'm feeling so c**p it was good to see a response so quick. good idea of yours to write down lots of notes so you can tell your psychiatrist everything, hope your appointment goes well, have you been able to eat today? I am really withdrawn today, can't even bear being around mark but then i feel guilty for being such a moody cow

[xn728]

yes lisa ive been eating fruit ,and all new stuff ,have to have small amnts
or stomach really hurts ,been to charity shop work today ,i have a nack
for selling the old ladies are atracted by my tattoos i think ,,,and my black
jumber makes me look like the milk tray man lol ,,,,
a rebel twice in one life hey lisa ,please lisa on a serious note ,dont you
ever let go girl ,if i can do it so can you ,we have the same humour ,so i
know you,ll come through this ,ok ,,listen im very weak so i will sleep soon yes ,i have a little sleep to wwwooooo,but you make sure you
stay safe ,,and let me know your ok ,your words to me ,mean as much
as the ones i send to you ,im no great wise man lisa ,we are the same
warriors ,,,,,safety in numbers lisa ,,,,,,,gnight ken ps not a cow

[aim]

This depression is an ugly monster... don't let the monster fool you into thinking that you are something you are not, selfish and annoying to name two of those things.

Your boyfriend loves you, I'm sure... please do not worry about that. And this forum is to share what is on your mind. Please do, lisalou and do not worry about appearing, "selfish," ok? We are all here to listen and support each other.

((((lisalou))))

[lisalou]

I'm going to continue writing on this Dreadful thread because everything continues to be dreadful. I was absolutely miserable last night,couldn't face doing anything or even just being with mark so i kept wandering out to hide in the bedroom. Soon after going to bed I felt myself about to bawl my eyes out again so i slipped out to the lounge so i could cry on the sofa and not disturb mark again but he woke anyway and came to get me back to bed, i cried till i couldn't breathe and then we had an awful, very tense talk about how bad things are with me and with our relationship. I said that i loved him dearly and i hated the way my depression is sabotaging our relationship and he said yes but it is. he continued to talk about how we never have any fun or do anything together and that even when we do i might as well not bother as i'm so obviously miserable. i felt like i really f***ing tried to go to his show and then have coffee with our friend afterwards and he says i might as well not bother. then he said that it's so uncomfortable at home cos i barely talk to him and don't even sit on the same sofa as him (a lot of the time even that physical closeness is too much) He said that it's completely dragging him down and affecting his work performance, he feels like he doesn't know if he can take on the new job that they have offered him, a transfer to another department in another town as he is so worried about me and concentrate. he doesn't even know if he can face directing his own play in the new year that he has been so looking forward to. he said if he hadn't been doing the Alice in wonderland show and able to get away from me he'd have gone mad too. It confirms my belief that i am ruining his life as well as my own. our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me and yet because of my warped and miserable mind i am just p***ing on it. we haven't had sex for at least 4 months and most of the time he cant even get near me. I have been awake since 5 this morning feeling completely suicidal. I tried to be loving and positive to mark this morning but as he said - should i even bother? I feel i got very mixed messages from him,on one hand he was saying our life together is rubbish and we don't do anything and then he says he doesn't enjoy it when i do try and go out with him. he always sighs and gets restless and says how boring it is just watching tv all the time and whenever anyone asks what we've been up to lately he just pulls a face and says 'nothing' (even though we have done things that were a monumental effort for me like going out for a meal for his birthday and going to our friend's fancy dress party.) He keeps asking what exactly the hospital is doing with me and then what my ongoing treatment as and saying 'well something needs to be done' as if i am a broken car that can just be fixed if i bothered to take it to the garage. Incidentally i don't know that my support worker is helping and she never phones when she says she will. I am just so worried that mark is only staying with me as a) it's his flat and he's too nice to just kick me out and b)he knows i'll kill myself. he said he can't ever see us having a child which breaks my heart because i love children but i seriously doubt my capabilities too. i don't even know how i'm going to look after other people's children for 3 hours this afternoon and all i really have to do is play with them but i just want to scream and cry and cry and talk about how awful i feel and how unbearable my life is. I gave mark a big hug this morning before he left for work and told him that things are going to work out and someday our relationship will be the same but i really doubt it

[Mich]

Lisa - *hugs*....I am at a loss for words today. I am so worried about you. I know how terribly bad this is. So much of your post is exactly the way I live and I know how hard it is. I wish I knew what to say about Mark. I wish you could get some more aggressive treatment. Sorry I forget....are you on any meds? If you are, maybe they need to be changed up. If not, is it something you would consider? You are really struggling right now and need more support from the medical community. As women, we really have to speak up repeatedly to get our needs met with doctors. I know you have been to your doctor, but I really think he needs to see how desperate you are right now. I am wondering even if some time in hospital would be good for you. I am so worried. Please keep on writing. I care so much, sister.