Scared os Sex - A male scared of sex

[schuey97]

Hello all.
Couple of my friends told me it might be a good idea to talk about my problem with anyone else that has the same problem as me.
Not sure where to start - Have had anxiety problems since 1994 (grade 5) and was diagnosed with depression in 1997 (grade . I am now 25 years old and still dealing with depression and anxiety with a lot of the time on two types of medication. I have never had a girlfriend and have never had sex.

On a forum that im a member of, the forum members worked out that I have never got laid before. They thought they would help me out and created a thread with the sole intention of getting me laid. I thought this would be a great idea, I might actually get to do what I constantly think about, actually get to see a women naked. The thread started out fine with tips and guides to help me. As the thread went along, they kept hitting brick walls where I would always come up with something negative about the idea. The thread ended up being over 300 posts and was locked down when one of the forum members said he would arrange for one of his female friends to have sex with me as they would love to have a virgin male. I declined the offer and everyone had had enough. I was given the chance to have sex with a women with no strings attached, no transaction of money and I ran off like a scared little school boy.

I will try and explain what is going through my head.

You have to understand how my brain actually functions .....something specialist having been trying to do for years.
To you my problems will just sound like fears that you need to get over. They however are not fears you can just do something to get over them ....they acutally make me believe these fears will come to reality even though you have all the facts that say it wont. Normally a person who has a fear, will get over it as they keep doing what that fear is stopping them to do. Dosent work for me.

Simple way of understand it, the sky is blue but my mind could easily make me believe it is red ....even though I have all the facts that it is actually blue.

There are 5 main problems that I have to overcome. Just for now I will let you know the first 2.

If I have sex with a women, my brain will make me believe 100% that I will get an STD. Not just any type of STD, HIV and it will lead to AIDS. Now people will say you use a condom, but my brain knows that a condom is not 100% effective and once again it will use that fact to make me believe I will be the unlucky person to have it fail on. Step 1 is getting over that problem, but the other side of it is the after effect. Ok, so I have sex .....my anxiety level will go off the chart and I will believe I have contracted the HIV virus. I will become physically ill and will not be able to do my studies until 6 months is up and I get a test done. Knowing me I would still need another test done a year later.

Problem 2, if I have sex with a women she will become pregnant. Ok, I want to be a Dad but not right now .....I dont have any stability in my life and im still a full-time student. Once again people will say use a condom and the girl to be on the pill. Same problem as before, brain will make me believe it will fail and put doubt in my mind that the girl is lying about taking the pill or has forgotten to take it. Then I will go through the physically ill part again until it is proven she is not pregnant.

As I said there are 5 problems, but I think you get the idea of how screwed up my mind is.

I want to have sex so much, but I fear its never going to happen as my problems seem to get worse as the years go on.

[shatteredhopes]

Then wait! A lot of people abstain til marriage...at least if you wait until you fall in love with someone, you will feel more comfortable. You will know the woman for a while and you can both get fully tested before you do anything. You will know her well therefore will be able to trust more that her back-up birth control is in place, and if all else fails, and you become a father, it will be with someone you love.

I know there's a lot of pressure on guys to have a bunch of no strings attached sex. But this makes some women feel used and exploited. You can do better than that. You can treat a woman with respect and treat sex as something in essence sacred to be shared by those in love as another way of bonding and intimacy.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[xn728]

listen i had trouble with sex when i was 17 ish ,always afraid ,would make up excuses ,not to go ahead ,not as complex as yours though,but when i did take that step at 19,it was the most beutiful time in the world ,tender and loving and so gentle ,im 51 now ,and i remember that wonderful women oh so clearly ,shes called fran ,and is my wife of 30 years ,and believe me it does get better ,i love you fran ,,,,,your boo,,,

[schuey97]

Then wait! A lot of people abstain til marriage...at least if you wait until you fall in love with someone, you will feel more comfortable. You will know the woman for a while and you can both get fully tested before you do anything. You will know her well therefore will be able to trust more that her back-up birth control is in place, and if all else fails, and you become a father, it will be with someone you love.

I know there's a lot of pressure on guys to have a bunch of no strings attached sex. But this makes some women feel used and exploited. You can do better than that. You can treat a woman with respect and treat sex as something in essence sacred to be shared by those in love as another way of bonding and intimacy.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

One of my many problems is I cant approach women, I lack any confidence in myself. I treat women with a lot of respect but I also seem to fear women, I believe I dont have a right to look at a women or talk to a women or even have sex with a women. I quessed I just hoped that if I was able to get laid with a women who also just wanted to do it for fun would make me calm down a bit and see that she is just another human being no greater than myself.

[shatteredhopes]

I would think if anything your first sexual experience will be so exciting, you might even elevate women more in your mind. Another reason to wait til you are in love. Keep in mind also, some, not all, but some women that engage in complete sexual freedom or the sex trades do so because of sexual scarring. 1 in 3 females is sexually abused at some point. You wouldn't want to take advantage of/exploit someone like that, would you?

As far as fear of women, start small. Force yourself to just smile at women. Try talking with an elderly woman or a woman you are not attracted to until you can gradually make a few female friends. Maybe go to a home for the aged and just bring some cookies. Visit with the elderly women. Many elderly people have no one to talk to or visit them and would enjoy a little companionship. Go as many times as you need to. Then you can think of moving more toward women your own age, maybe starting with women you are absolutely NOT attracted to. Just make female friends. That will help you feel more secure when you meet women you ARE attracted to.

Wishing you peace and light in your day...

[schuey97]

There is this really attractive girl at our local IGA who I think is really cute. She is really shy and younger than me but I still cant even get the guts to ask her out for coffee ....or something along those lines.

How am I even suppose to start a relationship if I cant even make the first move.

[shatteredhopes]

Then don't ask right away. Start with something small. Could you send her a card that says she is so beautiful, you are too nervous to talk to her, but wanted her to know someone thinks fondly of her? Could you bring her a single rose and just give it to her?

When I was in college, I worked for a while as a bank teller and this man put red roses cut from his garden through the drive through window drawer. It was a while before he asked me out the first time, but by the time he did, I was ready!

Just start with a few small thoughtful gestures that you can think of to break the ice. Someone told me if someone has enormous power over you, picture them really small in a really huge chair and talking with a squeeky voice, or some other shrinking gesture. Right now you have her on a pedastal, which won't help you get over your fear and shyness. Picture her sitting on the toilet pooping or something that works for you.

Could you bring her some candy or something the two of you could share and talk for a few minutes? Sometimes we have to force ourselves to push through the things we are afraid of to get over the fear...courage is not the absence of fear, its acting despite it. Rejection might be a big set back, so maybe start small. Make it casual, or do a few small gestures before you ask her out, like bringing her a flower or sending a note or card. Try making friends with her first, before you proceed to a romance. Even though she's cute, you may not ultimately like her, so start with friendship, maybe...

Have a friend maybe see if she notices you or likes you? Have a friend give her some little gift from you and tell her you are shy but think she's pretty? Even though she's shy, if you do a few gestures, maybe she will ask YOU out...you never know.

Good luck! You can do this! Most people get nervous around someone they are attracted to. In time, you will learn to cope better as long as you make the effort...you will never get over your fear until you start to conquer it by acting.

[shatteredhopes]

P.S. Try not to gear up for asking her out, just for asking for her phone number. Talking and getting to know each other over the phone or via e-mail would be easier than face to face, then you might get the courage to ask her out as a next step. Just a few gestures, get the phone number and proceed from there...best wishes.

[schuey97]

Thought I would give it a try and ask this girl out.
Went into our local IGA and bought a coke ....went to the couter were she was and ask her how she was going. It went quickly and I was already walking out the door. Bugger, I couldnt do it. I stayed outside for about 5 minutes arguing with myself and forced myself back inside. She wasnt at the counter and thought bugger again. I went through the isle and found her.

I asked her is should would like to meet up for a coffee sometime.

She said that she already had a boyfriend. Did I feel like an idiot or what. Im sure she was just being nice but she did say that if she didnt have a boyfriend she would of said yes.

I had a bit of trouble talking but mumbled out something like I thought it worth a try to ask her out. I said seeya and left. Went home not really happy.

[shatteredhopes]

I am sorry she already has a boyfriend, but so proud for you that you took that huge step! Each time you do it, it will start to get easier.

Have you thought about getting a friend to set you up on a date and going on a double date, where you would have a friend with you and might feel more comfortable? Joining a dating site and just getting to know someone suitable over the internet?

I know you are disappointed and feel bad, but give yourself some credit! Be proud you at least tried! You walked away but went back. That shows courage. You will find someone, but you do have to make some effort like that, and take a risk sometimes on rejections til you get to a yes.

Besides, she said if she didn't have boyfriend, she would go. She didn't have to say that. She could have just ended it with the fact she had a boyfriend. She probably felt flattered and must have thought there was something good in you that would make her want to go out with you if she wasn't already taken.

Good for you for trying. Sorry it didn't work out, but the more courage you can muster to try again the closer you come to finding someone.

Wishing you peace and light in your day...

[schuey97]

I am sorry she already has a boyfriend, but so proud for you that you took that huge step! Each time you do it, it will start to get easier.

Have you thought about getting a friend to set you up on a date and going on a double date, where you would have a friend with you and might feel more comfortable? Joining a dating site and just getting to know someone suitable over the internet?

I know you are disappointed and feel bad, but give yourself some credit! Be proud you at least tried! You walked away but went back. That shows courage. You will find someone, but you do have to make some effort like that, and take a risk sometimes on rejections til you get to a yes.

Besides, she said if she didn't have boyfriend, she would go. She didn't have to say that. She could have just ended it with the fact she had a boyfriend. She probably felt flattered and must have thought there was something good in you that would make her want to go out with you if she wasn't already taken.

Good for you for trying. Sorry it didn't work out, but the more courage you can muster to try again the closer you come to finding someone.

Wishing you peace and light in your day...

I have tried internet dating .....actually about 4 years now and have had no luck.

I just hope I will still be able to go into the IGA when she is there and not go all shy on her.

I hope it gets easier cause that was painfully hard.

[Prycejosh1987]

Hello all.
Couple of my friends told me it might be a good idea to talk about my problem with anyone else that has the same problem as me.
Not sure where to start - Have had anxiety problems since 1994 (grade 5) and was diagnosed with depression in 1997 (grade . I am now 25 years old and still dealing with depression and anxiety with a lot of the time on two types of medication. I have never had a girlfriend and have never had sex.

On a forum that im a member of, the forum members worked out that I have never got laid before. They thought they would help me out and created a thread with the sole intention of getting me laid. I thought this would be a great idea, I might actually get to do what I constantly think about, actually get to see a women naked. The thread started out fine with tips and guides to help me. As the thread went along, they kept hitting brick walls where I would always come up with something negative about the idea. The thread ended up being over 300 posts and was locked down when one of the forum members said he would arrange for one of his female friends to have sex with me as they would love to have a virgin male. I declined the offer and everyone had had enough. I was given the chance to have sex with a women with no strings attached, no transaction of money and I ran off like a scared little school boy.

I will try and explain what is going through my head.

You have to understand how my brain actually functions .....something specialist having been trying to do for years.
To you my problems will just sound like fears that you need to get over. They however are not fears you can just do something to get over them ....they acutally make me believe these fears will come to reality even though you have all the facts that say it wont. Normally a person who has a fear, will get over it as they keep doing what that fear is stopping them to do. Dosent work for me.

Simple way of understand it, the sky is blue but my mind could easily make me believe it is red ....even though I have all the facts that it is actually blue.

There are 5 main problems that I have to overcome. Just for now I will let you know the first 2.

If I have sex with a women, my brain will make me believe 100% that I will get an STD. Not just any type of STD, HIV and it will lead to AIDS. Now people will say you use a condom, but my brain knows that a condom is not 100% effective and once again it will use that fact to make me believe I will be the unlucky person to have it fail on. Step 1 is getting over that problem, but the other side of it is the after effect. Ok, so I have sex .....my anxiety level will go off the chart and I will believe I have contracted the HIV virus. I will become physically ill and will not be able to do my studies until 6 months is up and I get a test done. Knowing me I would still need another test done a year later.

Problem 2, if I have sex with a women she will become pregnant. Ok, I want to be a Dad but not right now .....I dont have any stability in my life and im still a full-time student. Once again people will say use a condom and the girl to be on the pill. Same problem as before, brain will make me believe it will fail and put doubt in my mind that the girl is lying about taking the pill or has forgotten to take it. Then I will go through the physically ill part again until it is proven she is not pregnant.

As I said there are 5 problems, but I think you get the idea of how screwed up my mind is.

I want to have sex so much, but I fear its never going to happen as my problems seem to get worse as the years go on.

Ive had sex, personally i think it is highly overrated. But most likely, if you take measures and precautions you will have a healthy sex life. No diseases, no infections and it will not hurt at all. I think you should focus on yourself and get your life in check before you decide to start having sex. It is upto you though, this is just my opinion.