The Darkness Descends

[Mich]

I managed to make it through half the day in an upright position but now it is noon time and the darkness is descending. It threatens to tie me up and suffocate me and I am fighting the urge to lie down and be totally swallowed up. It is a beautiful, warm fall day here today and I should take my weary bones out the door and go for a walk. Or I could drive over to the grocery store and try to get something for dinner tonight. Either of these things would be a step in the right direction. I am so consumed with hatred; hatred for the little girl who allowed herself to be abused. This hatred makes me want to self harm so badly. I feel like I have to take out all my anger on the little girl inside me. I hate her for being so weak and vulnerable. I hate her for complying and participating. I hate her for everything.

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Mich!

I think I understand a little more why you feel how you feel now....

I was very angry for a long time for things that happened. I don't think mine was worse than yours, though....


What I'm going to say/ask now is: "You would not allow those things to happen today right now, especially knowing what you know now about how you would feel in the end?"

I think you have understood what you would do differently & how you wouldn't allow any one to make you into a victim/manipulate you....

We may have been fooled once or for a time but not again.... Once is probably too much as it stands, but we would not let any thing like that happen again....

We can't go back & change our past but.... our present (& maybe even our futures), we can do something about it.

You can tell it that you're not going to let it ruin your life.... Saying it little by little over time can turn into a belief that enables you to break free of the shackles attached to your legs....

You can do it..... ((((Mich)))))

[lisalou]

mich, never ever hate yourself for what was done to you, a little girl is vulnerable yes,but should be protected, a little girl is not capable of standing up for herself against something so horrible, a little girl should be cherished and protected and safe and it really really angers and sickens and saddens me that you were not. you do not deserve to carry on tormenting yourself over something that was not your fault,it is ENTIRELY the fault of the person who abused you and the shame and blame and wrongness should remain entirely with them forever,you deserve to be free of that,you are special,you are loved,you are safe now,i wish i was there with you to gently take that little girl mich into my arms and cuddle you and wrap you up and read you a story and nurture you as you should have been

Love lisa xxxxx

[xn728]

So sorry mich ,forgive me for being a man ,some men i,ve worked with
in welding shops ,ive been discusted and ashamed to be part of that filthy
gender ,but there are good men to ,and the little girl ,no she never freely
partisapated ,her only crime was innocence,this was not wrong she didnt
know any differant ,your not angry at the little girl inside of you she takes
sanctuary there ,she had not become an adult then to protect herself ,so you the adult she has now become is just angry because you couldent be there to protect her then ,but you must protect her now ,as i protect russ
her tormenter im sure must be clear in your mind ,focus your anger on him ,or it but love the child within you ,she will serve you well in the future when you may walk together ,im sure with this on the outside you will feel a weight lift soon .you are both very brave ,bless you girl and woman both ,,,,,,,,ken xn728

[Mich]

I feel so blessed to have met so many wonderful people here. It truly is a light in my otherwise dark life. Thank you so much.

[xn728]

thats just fine mich ,we look after each other ,you belong here ,we all do
something bigger than all of us brought us here ,there is something for us
we just need to be patient,,,,,,,ken