Future feels directionless and I’m terrified

[erintheparasite]

This is my first post on here. I’ve been needing an outlet to express my struggles without coming off as a burden to anyone anymore and hopefully this is able to help me even just a little bit.

For a bit of context, I am an older teen, and I’m in a bit of a crappy situation at home. I was basically beat as a kid by my parents and my mother still occasionally threatens to do it (even if she tries to make them come off as jokes), and will sometimes hit me for fun. It doesn’t hurt as much but the trauma’s still there. Overall she’s very touchy and crosses my boundaries constantly. I also face constant judgement and verbal/emotional abuse at home, but I’ll probably talk about it more in another post because there’s way too much of it that I can say.

Anyways, the main thing I wanted to talk about was how I was explaining a lot of this to my therapist a few days ago, and I had the realization that I shared a bit too much when he suggested that we call CPS and send a social worker to my house. We called CPS before once but I hadn’t messed up and explained a lot of the story at the time. I want to be able to find power in my situation and help myself, but I’m worried that this will bring more bad than good. My mom is the type of person who realizes what she’s doing is wrong but never changes and overall feels a lot of superiority, and I’m terrified that the chances of something bad happening will be higher than her actually improving. I’m scared that there will be a huge discourse in my family and/or I’ll be harmed in ways worse than what happened to me as a kid. My therapist suggested that CPS contacts my dad so he can be on my side and shield me from any potential harm, but I’m worried he’ll prioritize my mom’s comfort over mine. He sides with me for most stuff so hopefully I’m fine but yeah.

I’m terrified that something is going to happen to me and I’ll have to be moved from my home or something, but this feels like I should be glad about that. If I stay at this house, I’ll be forced to get a job in healthcare that I’d rather die than do because I’d have to put aside my biggest dreams of being an author, but if I get moved out of my house, I don’t know how I’ll build myself back up financially and if being an author is the best call despite it being my one of my largest sources of joy. Additionally, as much as I like to claim that I’m an independent individual, being alone is one of my biggest fears. I’m scared that I’ll be harmed or that everyone in my gigantic family will despise me for even daring to report my mother for the way she treated me. I’m scared to leave my house that I’ve lived in for most of my life, even despite the mistreatment I’ve faced here. This place hurts, but it hurts comfortably, if that makes sense.

As much as I don’t want to say this, it feels as though suicide is the happiest ending I’ll get. Which sucks, because there’s a lot of things that I want to live for. I have so many hobbies, interests and things I find fascinating, and I want to share my creativity with the world. But all of the horrible stuff heavily outweighs the good stuff. It’s selfish of me to say, but ending it honestly seems especially appealing now, because if I’m miserable in my future either way, what’s the point of even staying? Plus, my family and most of my friends aren’t there for me in the way I need them to be and they’ve always taken more from me than they’ve given back. I do have a good friend who I would talk to about my issues and he would talk about his own stuff and it wasn’t one sided talking and listening or anything, but it feels as though we’ve been a little distant lately. Then again, everyone feels distant now. I have a therapist, but my family has slowly been making the appointments farther and farther out, with it going from every two weeks to once a month. I know it can be expensive, but it hasn’t been great not being able to share anything with anyone until my monthly appointment rolls around. Overall, I doubt that even my closest friends will stay with me once high school is over (which is soon) or if my emotions spill out. I’m going to try to keep going for now, but I don’t know how long it’ll be until I can’t take it anymore or until my biggest fears come to eat me alive.

Anyways, that’s my huge vent about how I don’t know what to do with my life. I feel so scared and confused and like a big load of crap. I don’t expect anybody to read this, let alone respond. I just needed to say something. If you took some time to even just gloss over this, thank you so much.