Just Lost...

[hopeless _romantic]

I have a long history, and i'll try to be somewhat brief, but in all honesty:: thats pretty much impossible. So if it's too long, i completely understand if you don't want to read it.


I'm a 22/f to start out with, I attend victor valley college online and on-campus, i'm in a long term relationship with a very sweet guy (almost 5 yrs), I have a substance abuse problem now and then, and I suffer from extreme bouts of severe depression, break-downs, and anxiety. I also believe I may have some other kind of mood disorder.


It all started when I was about 4 or 5 years old. My grandpa on my mother's side molested me (and possibly my sister) at my house in west covina, ca, and then we we moved to wrightwood ca when i was age 6, he did this as well. For years he did inappropriate things to me, and bought innapropriate things and gave them to me. At about age 10, my mom saw a receipt. My grandpa had taken me to the store (not sure which, my memory has blocked it out)and grabbed some cookies for my brothers (he never touched them,, thankfully, just treated them like they didn't belong)then proceeded to pick out thongs he wanted me to model for him. Well he left the receipt in the bag, but took out the thongs, etc. and put them in his car, then took the cookies to the house for the boys. my mom then discovered the receipt. At first, once he left, when she asked me if he was behaving inappropriately, I was terrified to answer. He had always threatened that he would hurt my youngest brother josh (whom i was closest to) if I said a word, so I told her no. But when I went upstairs, I began to cry and feel like such a horrible and ugly person, so I went back downstairs to talk to my mom and told her all about it. She freaked out and started crying, and then called her brother "Uncle Bink" and talked to him. The next day she took us down the hill to the Alta Loma Police Station so that she could go there with him by her side (it was where he lived). She went in to talk to the cops and they told her they couldn't do anything about it and to take her issues to her local police. My mpom got extremely pissed and ended up driving us to the victorville police department. The police questioned all of my brothers and then me, but when they asked me questions, I was so terrified about what was going to happen to me, that I lied on a few. In the end, my grandpa disapeared for a few days (nobody knows where he went, could have been jail??)and then reappeared. No court action was ever taken, and we never heard anything else about it. He died about two or three years ago now.

While all this was happening with my grandpa, something else was happening as well. My mom had a daughter from her first marriage, my brother's and I's step sister Jennifer. My dad raped/molested her from the time she was a small child up until about 20 to 21 (I was a lot younger than her). So, after everything happened with my grandpa, we had more police. My sister, at 21, had had enough and went to the local police station to report my Dad. That same day the police showed up at our house. They made us all stay in one room with two or three cops while others searched the house. They took a bunch of things from my parents room, and then dragged us to their police cruisers. They put our parents in different cars and took them somewhere else. We (my three bros and i) were questioned for hours and then they asked for our nearest relatives number, and called and explained the situation and asked if us four kids could stay there. In the end, we were driven down the hill by social workers, and forced to live at our aunts for about 10-11 months. The whole time we were there we were scared and confused. we were all around age 11 or 12, and we didn't understand anything about what was going on and all we could hear was slander about our father, and how my mom was in jail for not protecting her children. After three months my mom was eventually let go, and then eventually regained custody of us back slowly.

My dad had stayed in prison for a year and a half and then they let him out for good behavior or something like that. My mom got back with him (and even though he wasn't allowed to see us) and he moved back in. She said that Jennifer was a liar and that dad would never do that, so us four kids began to hate her for ruining our perfect little family. My dad gave me a fat lip one night because I was wrestling with my brothers and accidentally broke a window. another time he threw me down a hallway for accidentally interrupting a phone call. My dad's court case was put off for three or four years until he finally went back to court and was sentenced to three more years. Well, the years have passed and I went with my little bro to pick him up from the police station--I haven't seen him since, he is on parole for three years and has to wear an ankle bracelet, not to mention can only go so many miles within a certain town.

My mom changed her mind when my dad went back to jail and decided that he was the one in the wrong and jennifer was innocent.

She proceeded to meet a man who will remain nameless, and has been with him for about 5 years. My two older brothers moved to Missouri about 3 or so years ago, and my step sister lives in las vegas, nevada, and can't come back to california because she has a warrant out for her arrest for drugs, thievery, etc.

Now, its just me, my mom, and josh, not to mention her boyfriend. He is an arrogant...I won't say it, but I'm sure you will all understand. Its not the fact that my mom has a boyfriend, im not that immature..I want to see my mom happy every day for the rest of her life after what shes had to deal with, but this guy is a complete ass. He goes through my things constantly, lectures me on my life values, tells me how every little thing needs to be done, lies constantly and makes up stories, makes rude remarks or comments, sometimes pretends i dont exist when i ask him a question or turns away and has absolutely no manners. I have killed myself trying to give him the respect he supposedly deserves. I act like the perfectly mannered girl, but geez..this guy kills me..its hard to see that my mom can really be happy with him...

I bounce between my mom's house and boyfriend of five years house every week or so. When I can't take being at my mom''s anymore, I head to my real home =).

After all that I experienced (and i know some have had it worse) I hatre life...I constantly lie to my mom, she doesn't even know who I am, I screwed up last year and cheated on my boyfriend (I know thats bad...I hate myself for doing it and I can't even began to say how sorry i am..i feel the guilt everyday.)but he took me back anyways...we were shaky at first, but both trust each other almost completely again, and I havent been unfaithful since. i honestly dont know nor understand why or how i could even do something such as that. I have long bouts (3-4) of depression and constantly think of killing myself in different ways...even though im too scared to do it and wouldn't actually..i feel hopeless and empty inside for the past few years..like nothing will ever get better, like nothing really matter anymore, like I can't express or even feel emotion anymore. This has deeply affected my relationship with the one I love most in the world, Kyle, and I don't want it to..I just don't know how to stop the endingless cycle..I feel so lost and confused, and hurt..I don't know what to do with life anymore. I lose motivation for everything in life, I drop and gain weight like the snap of a finger, I have horrible mood swings I cant control...and most might be mad that Im do this and am actually admitting it but i self medicate with weed. i dont smoke everyday at all...only when i have huge breakdowns and cant calm down. i tried a lot of different meds but all had horrible sideeffects and never ended up working. sop i tried it..and it really helps..but i dont want to be stuck like this forever, i hate that no legal drug will work..i just feel so stuck...and yeah..thats my story..depressed, hurt. unmotivated..sorry it was so long...was hard to make it brief..

[Aurelia5]

Hi Hope~

Wow, girl. You been down a rough road. Jeez.

Speaking from experience, being nearly idenical to you when I was your age, what's going to work now is a change. You said you've tried legal meds and they had terrible side effects. Yes, they do. But the doc probably didn't tell you to give it 3 weeks because in many cases the side effects go away. Sometimes it takes longer. There are a lot of really good new drugs out now for the things that are bothering you. I was totally out of control too. When I was 34, I met my husband and he made it possible for me to start seeing a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants. I was always broke, drank too much, moved all the time, quit jobs for the smallest reasons. Once you find a drug that works, yes, you have to try several of them to find what works for you, your life will change. Everything will seem easier.

I know those doctors can be expensive. But many of them work with their patients and make it easier to pay. Some states and cities have free counceling. You really, truely, definitely need help right now. You're out of control right now, and I can tell you, it will get worse. It's really good you have Kyle. Is he supportive of you? Will he go with you when you go to a shrink if you wanted him to? Or is he more of a stay-out-of-it type of person? You need to surround yourself with people who are on your side. People who are good for you.

You are old enough to be on your own. Have you tried to get a job and an apartment? Maybe you and Kyle, or maybe you and Josh?

One way or the other, you need help, soon. We will be here for you to cheer you on everytime you have a success, write and tell us about it. We're here for you to cry to also. Don't worry about your post being too long. We are intersted and want to help you.

Good luck to you sweetheart.

A5