I don't know who I am.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Magie06
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun May 17, 2020 5:59 pm

I don't know who I am.

Postby Magie06 » Sun May 17, 2020 6:14 pm

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I want my life to end. A little background - I was diagnosed with post natal psychos 10 years ago, when my daughter was 3. I spent 6 months in a psychiatric hospital, and had 2 -6 session treatments of ECT. Since then I've been up and down.
My depression has been sparked again since the middle of March. I'm just going down, down, down. I lost my mother at the end of February and my uncle/godfather 2 weeks later. I wouldn't ask to have either of them back, as my mother was a total dependant. She was confined to a wheelchair as she had Parkinson's and she also had dementia. However she died of pneumonia. My uncle had esophageal cancer and had just wasted away to nothing. Death was a relief to both of them. I haven't cried for either of them.

My depression has really begun to effect my life now. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I don't always wash. I can't sleep at night and I've started cutting out some of my meds. I've taken them all religiously, but what's the point when depression always comes back? I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I've also started cutting again.

Valkyrie38
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon May 18, 2020 6:25 pm

Re: I don't know who I am.

Postby Valkyrie38 » Tue May 19, 2020 12:36 am

I feel every pain you speak of in myself, Please find peace.

littlestarsmum
Posts: 101
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: I don't know who I am.

Postby littlestarsmum » Tue May 19, 2020 6:31 am

Welcome to this forum, friend.
I’m so sorry for your losses and your struggles. Please know that your life is precious and no situation is hopeless. Self-harming or putting an end to your life will never solve your problems. It will always result in even greater hurt. Are you seeing a therapist now? A caring qualified professional would be in an excellent position to offer support and help you to cope with your difficulties. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will provide the strength, comfort, and help you need at this time. Remember that you deserve to feel better and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. Stay strong. Sending prayers your way!

sam3321
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 1:35 pm

Re: I don't know who I am.

Postby sam3321 » Tue May 19, 2020 2:26 pm

i feel you. I wish you find peace soon but please don't think of taking your life. You will find your life good again soon

Magie06
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun May 17, 2020 5:59 pm

Re: I don't know who I am.

Postby Magie06 » Fri May 22, 2020 11:05 am

Things are just getting worse and worse. I've decided to give the meds one more week to work and if I haven't begun to feel better, then I'm going to take my life.
I have written my letters, I have my meds stockpiled and I know where I'm going to go. One more week.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 363
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK
Contact:

Re: I don't know who I am.

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Wed Jun 03, 2020 11:32 am

Magie06 wrote:Hi everyone, I'm new here and I want my life to end. A little background - I was diagnosed with post natal psychos 10 years ago, when my daughter was 3. I spent 6 months in a psychiatric hospital, and had 2 -6 session treatments of ECT. Since then I've been up and down.
My depression has been sparked again since the middle of March. I'm just going down, down, down. I lost my mother at the end of February and my uncle/godfather 2 weeks later. I wouldn't ask to have either of them back, as my mother was a total dependant. She was confined to a wheelchair as she had Parkinson's and she also had dementia. However she died of pneumonia. My uncle had esophageal cancer and had just wasted away to nothing. Death was a relief to both of them. I haven't cried for either of them.

My depression has really begun to effect my life now. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I don't always wash. I can't sleep at night and I've started cutting out some of my meds. I've taken them all religiously, but what's the point when depression always comes back? I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I've also started cutting again.

Sorry about your parents, remember that it doesnt matter how you die, we all will one day die. Live for you and do things to better your life. Do not let the death of your folks have an affect on you. Negative thoughts creep in and let them go. Death is a not a relief, it can be the start of major problems for you and the people left behind that cared about you. Death is a relief when you live life well and did the right things and you impacted the lives of the people that are in your life. To beat depression you have to learn to accept what happened and take steps to mental recovery.
You can turn the tide, And change your life. Always. :wink:


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