my fear

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my fear

Postby carolisntfine » Mon Nov 18, 2019 4:46 pm

I've got this problem.
Here's some background: My name is Carol, I'm Brazillian and I'm 19 years old. I graduated high school in 2017 and spent one semester in a preparatory course for entrance exams, without even knowing wth I wanted to do - here you pick a course, then the university, not the opposite, anyway- so that was intense because of all the pressure, but ok, I thought I had that figured out when I passed the exam for one of my main options and I enrolled the course of Architecture and Urbanism in a great renowned institution. I'm in the third semester now, and I have to say it, it is really not what I thought it would be.
I was "prepared" to encounter difficulties, sure, though the whole experience turned out to be really frustrating. Even though I'm working with art, and creativity and love, this course is something that takes a lot of you - your time, your money, your energy- so when there's no return, I feel heartbroken. I worked day after day, night after night to get my project done, but its still average. It's always like that. I feel hopeless because I won't be able to reach my own expectations, and I'm never going to get a decent job because there is always gonna be someone who's work is better. I already tried so hard, and if I tried harder I know I would go crazy.... its exhausting, and I have no energy left to produce anything anymore. "If you are what you make, then who are you when you're not making anything? Or what if you don't create anything that's any good?"
I feel like it's consuming me, the weekend comes and I don't want to do anything but stay on my bed all day and pretend I'm not myself. I've lost touch with so many important people in my life so "I could focus on myself", that now every time I come back to them I feel like such a monster, and like I'm outsider who lost its chance of bonding idk, and I'm so scared of leaving all of this behind.
I don't even know what would I do if I gave up architecture. I don't see myself succeeding anymore. And probably I would feel like such a failure to drop college... I expected to be living the best years of my life, but it feels like the total opposite.
I had nobody else to talk about it so... here I am.
I don’t know.
Thanks for listening.

Posts: 241
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: my fear

Postby Spleefy » Thu Nov 21, 2019 6:41 am

Hi Carol,

You've hit a roadblock... there will be many more to come.

Higher education does take up a lot of our time and resources. And there is no guarantee that all our hard work and dedication to get the piece of paper will yield the outcome we are looking for.

When there is something we really want to accomplish, then we’ve gotta be prepared to take the hits that come with it. Everything has a price.

I remember when I was studying. I had severe depression, anxiety, limited resources, lack of familial support, and fairly isolated with no peers to study with. I also have high expectations and I’m unreasonably hard on myself. This led to several mental breakdowns, tears, and self-doubts.

Haha... I remember this one time doing a chemistry subject. I found the chemistry and biochemistry subjects quite challenging. I had to spend twice as long on the material just to get a basic understanding of it. This put me behind schedule on meeting the deadlines. I was so stressed and furious that I stabbed the book several times with my pen until it broke, then I threw all the chemistry workbook notes across the room. Then I picked up another workbook, of another subject, next to me and threw that, too.

The result?

I made a massive mess. The two subject notes were scattered across the floor, no longer in order. I had to pick them all up--page by page--and spend several hours just reorganizing the hundreds of notes to put back in order again for each subject :roll:

I spent the next few days not even studying. I was on the brink of throwing in the towel. The depression kicked in hard and I just wanted to go to the beach and drown myself.

But I got it together and persevered.

Then when I did my clinical training, the clinician was frustrated at me and said I should probably pursue another path. I was already in a vulnerable state, so when she said this I felt dreadful. I felt useless, worthless, pathetic, and even questioned why I even bothered. However, I figured that I came this far, so I might as well go all the way and finish what I set out to do lest it be all for nothing. I decided then and there to just give the finger to all the self-doubts, inhibitors, and naysayers.

Once again I persevered.

I eventually finished, was qualified and got my papers. I then decided, while I was on a roll, to continue on with my education and so I went onto the next level of my education to further my knowledge in my chosen field.

Again, it was tough, but I applied myself and didn’t let my self-doubts get the better of me. As a result of my courage to continue, I got high distinctions and proved to myself that I was capable.

My most valuable education was not the course itself. No. Instead, it was more about the personal growth that I went through whilst studying.

I had to find the courage within to overcome obstacles of depression, anxiety, naysayers, self-doubts, and my own unreasonably high expectations.

By completing what I set out to do, It felt like I conquered my own Mount Everest.

So hang in there. Times will be tough. You will hit roadblocks. This is a great opportunity to improve yourself. It is a good opportunity for a reality check to see if this is what you truly want to do and if you are prepared to take the hits that come with it.

Failure is a part of the process of success. It’s like when we learn to walk—we will fall down several times. We need to fall down in order to learn to walk properly. It is part of the process. If we give up when we fall down, we will never learn and accomplish anything.

I have lost count of how many times in my life I’ve felt disheartened, hopeless, like a failure, exhausted, and frustrated.

What I find helps is to think about why I’m doing what I’m doing. For example, when I was studying, I kept in mind why I was doing the course. I left notes around the bedroom of why I was doing it. I also kept notes around to encourage me and to keep me motivated...

I CAN do this”.

I WILL succeed”.

"I WILL finish my course"


I told myself everyday that I was an outstanding, hardworking student who will excel and get out what I put into my studies.

These notes were the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I read before going to bed. I even chanted affirmations until I fell asleep.

Think about why you are doing architecture. What is it about it that you love? These things will keep you motivated and focused. It will help you through those inevitable challenging times. Redirect your focus from the frustrations to why you love architecture so much.

Another thing that might help you is to try not to define yourself by “what you make”. We will create flops and many mediocre creations before we create a single masterpiece. Again, it is all part of the process.

The difference between those who have and those who don’t have or accomplish their goals is whether or not they are willing to go through the process to reach their dreams and goals.

Full-time study is a juggling act. Time management is key to create balance, even with a full study load. One thing I did was to do quality study, such as by cutting out distractions, setting aside specific time for what I was doing, and keeping focused. This was exceedingly challenging to do whilst depressed, trying to build an online business, write books, being a carer, a high level exercise regimen, etc., all simultaneously and living on 3 hours sleep a day. But you do what you gotta do to make it work. In retrospect, I have no idea how I juggled everything and still had my sanity intact :lol: I would never put myself under that type of strain and stress again and take on such a massive workload, but I'm glad I did it. If anything, I got too busy to be depressed and it actually helped me to overcome depression.

In the future, you'll look back fondly on all this moment in your life and be proud that you persevered.

I did a search to find a quote for you. I like this quote by Winston Churchill…

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts”.

Hang in there, Carol. If architecture is what you really want to do, then you need to find that courage within to continue.

Embrace this moment in your life. The frustrations you are feeling now will pass, I assure you. Once you choose to persevere, have courage to continue and get to the finish line, you will be glad that you didn’t give up. You will be so proud of yourself. You will acquire more than a piece of paper—you will grow as a person and be stronger, more confident, resilient, and courageous as an outcome. These qualities will help you later in life when you hit more roadblocks along the way. So what you are going through now is actually a fantastic thing--it is all about perception.

As for “the best years of your life”. My gosh, the best years of your life are yet to come, Carol. This moment in time is just one part of your life.

You CAN do it! Believe in yourself.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18

Orchaid Lover
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Re: my fear

Postby Orchaid Lover » Fri Nov 29, 2019 7:01 pm

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. College is really difficult. I however don't think that it'll be the best years of your life. At 19 there's still so much out there for you to do. Right now it may be hard, but one day when you're doing something you love, whether it's architecture or something else, you look back and think it was worth it. If you stay with architecture it'll be worth it because you didn't give up on what you wanted to do, and it you don't this will be the point when you realize that there's something else out there for you.
College is mad stressful, but you don't have to let that stress consume you. It's okay to take a moment and just breath, remember why your doing it. And try to have fun once in a while, even something small like going out to seeing a movie can be incredibly relaxing.

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