Update on my life

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Update on my life

Postby jinnie » Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 pm

Hello everyone,

The last time I posted something here was nearly 2 years ago and I don't know what led me to this page again. I just somehow felt like giving an update on my current situation.

At the time I made my first post on this page, I was 16 and a student in highschool. Now I graduated and turned 18, officially claiming the title "adult", not being a "girl" anymore but a "woman". And let me tell you ... it just got worse.

Leaving highschool just made me realize how difficult it is to adapt to the real, cruel world. But before I begin to talk about my main problem, I want to give you some background info.

2018/2019 were the years where my final year of highschool began. And 2018 was by far one of the worst years in my life. Starting off with a massive depressive episode, I already felt like giving up. But what was about to welcome me in June was the real beginning of the misery. Not only did I have a mental illness now, but my body was giving up too. Constant nausea and stomach aches plus headaches were part of my daily life to the point where I couldn't go to school without having panick attacks in the morning before the first lesson. I hated the thought of being physically ill. I hate hospitals with a passion (since I had many bad experiences with them as a child already) and having stayed there for months during my childhood, I never wanted something like that to happen again.

I just hated myself for the way my body and mind reacted. For being sick. For not being able to hide my feelings as usual, for not being able to keep going just like before.

Luckily, summer holidays started at the beginning of July and I was able to take a break from fighting my panick attacks and physical exhaustion, due to constant pain, in public. I was able to find comfort in my room, suffering in silence. My parents checked up on me from time to time and I tried my best to hide my symptoms, but sadly they found out that something was wrong with me. I started to eat less, skipping breakfast, only eating some bread for the whole day. My face was very pale and my parents suggested sending me to the doctor who later on sent me to the hospital for proper medical examination. I had to stay there for a week so they could find out what was giving me these terrible stomach aches. At first, they assumed that it could be due to stress but considering the fact that the school year just ended, I should feel some kind of relief, right? Well, turned out I had a stomach infection and needed some special antibiotics (I have to excuse myself for not being able to describe this furthermore, English is not my first language and I'm trying my best).

After this, I really hoped that I won't have to deal with the physical pain anymore but the treatment didn't help. So we visited another hospital, another week of suffering, and finding different antibiotics that finally worked for me. And overall just spending my summer holidays finding the right doctors, hospitals, medication and so on.

Sadly, awaiting me after these events was another depressive episode which I struggled to fight on my own. So I wasn't able to go to school at the beginning of the senior year. Not participating in the first exam season messed up my entire schedule and I had to write 12 exams within 5 weeks in the second quarter, after autumn break. That's when I started attending school again, feeling a little bit better. During my time at home, I kept studying so I can keep up with all these exams coming my way. Because if I failed this year, I would disappoint my parents and myself. It would make me feel like a complete failure so I HAD to do this. And I was able to do it, passing all these exams and graduating in 2019. This was something that made me really proud. Even though my grades weren't the best, I just did it.

But that's where all the problems began. Universities don't care about your mental problems or the struggles you had to face to get the GPA you have right now. Either you are good enough or you aren't.

I applied for 5 universities ... and all of them rejected me. My dream is to be an elementary school teacher, but there are many other people in my country who want to attend this class as well so your GPA needs to be high.

I have to wait one year so I can apply again... I really hope it works out. To not spend this year doing absolutely nothing, I'm currently applying for jobs to save some money for university and to support my family. But my luck here is non existent too, being rejected all the time.

Rejection is someting we will face many times in our life. I have to get used to it, but everytime it happens it awakens the demons inside my head. Telling me terrible things which I end up believing. I just want to have motivation in life, to go out with friends and have fun and not feel terrible everytime I leave the house. I'm kinda afraid of going to a therapist, I really feel like they won't care for me and just do their job ... because they have to. I'd also have to wait for months to get an appointment ... I just feel overwhelmed and helpless.

I just want to feel like I'm coming closer to my dream, one step at a time. But there's no progress. All my efforts seem useless and my voice, ambitions, hopes and dreams are too small, too irrelevant in this big world.

To sum it up, what I'm asking myself all the time is : What's the purpose of living? When it seems like the misery will never end? After every little spark of light and hope in my life, where I think I could take a step towards my dream, the darkness comes back.

I just want to be someone young people can rely on, someone young people can learn from, I want to give them what I couldn't have in my childhood. Giving them that color in their lives by being a teacher who does their job with passion. Even though I have social anxiety, even though I'm an introvert, I want to step out of my comfort zone and be a great person. I don't want to let these demons in my head take over my life, but sometimes they're too strong. I just have to be stronger.

When I come back to this page in some years, I want to be proud of myself for leaving all the bad things in the past. Please let me achieve my dream.

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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: Update on my life

Postby Spleefy » Mon Nov 11, 2019 6:55 am

Hi jinnie,

Thank you so much for sharing. It was a good read and, speaking for myself, makes you feel like you are not alone with the struggles and pressures of life.

With more freedom comes more responsibility, that’s for sure.

For what it’s worth, I think you are doing an amazing job. And I do encourage you to persevere. Hold onto that dream of yours and keep working on making it a reality.

There are many examples of folks who got rejected countless times and still made their dreams a reality. There are countless stories of people who went through hell and back only to find fulfilment in their lives. Maybe do a Google search on this—you may be able to draw inspiration from their stories.

Perhaps change how you view the rejections. For example, it is something we ALL go through in our lives—it is a part of the learning process. It makes us stronger. Each rejection brings us one step closer to acceptance and success.

Nobody wants to be rejected. And I do get that it “awakens the demons inside your head”. This might be something that you need to work on.

Making our dreams a reality is in itself a self-development process. During the journey, we learn more about ourselves. We need to face things that will be hard and painful. It forces us to conquer our demons. It gives us the opportunity to show ourselves what we are made of. Furthermore, most of us will at some point say that we have a "dream", but not everyone is willing to do what is necessary to make that dream a reality, so they quit when the going gets tough.

When you read the stories of other people who got rejected dozens to hundreds, even thousands of times, only to make their dreams a reality, it will truly inspire you. These people clearly wanted to make their dreams a reality and would let nothing stop them from fulfilling it.

Draw inspiration and strength from these stories. Heck, you may be able to become one of those success stories yourself. It will be something you can share to other people who have gone through a similar experience to yourself. You can motivate them, inspire them, encourage them when they are feeling helpless and want to quit. You can share your experience and how you succeeded despite the hardship and rejections.

You want to be an elementary school teacher, right? Well, use that as a motivator to persevere through this learning experience. Teachers are not there just to teach, but to inspire students. They are there to be good role models and set good examples. They are there to bring out the best in their students beyond just mere textbook knowledge.

Stick with it. Keep your head high and don’t allow negative thoughts to bring you down. You are better than that! You have a dream that you want to make a reality. If we want fulfill our ambitions, then we have to be willing to go through everything that comes with that dream, both the good and the bad.

Believe in yourself. Turn rejection into a motivator. Make bad experiences and rejection be the fuel to your determination.

Maybe use this time before you apply to Uni again to recreate yourself. Perhaps as part of your recreation process, reprogram yourself to thrive in both good and bad experiences.

Spend time thinking about the type of teacher you want to be to your students. Do you want to be someone that just teaches them or someone that inspires them? Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you want to be that type of teacher. You want to add “color to their lives”. You want to be a teacher that has “passion”. And you want to give your students what you didn’t have in your childhood.

Once you get through this, your students will be fortunate to have a teacher like you. They will be lucky that you persevered. They will see you as a role model.

Your future students are waiting for you. All that you need to do is to keep trying, for both yourself and for them. Students need a teacher with your qualities.

You can achieve your dream. You have the dream, the passion, the determination. You have the right attitude and qualities to be a great teacher in the future.

You can do this. Just keep trying! You will be proud of yourself. You will look back on this and be glad that you stuck it out.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18

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