I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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wasteofwater92
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:23 am

I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby wasteofwater92 » Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:26 am

I can't bring myself to see the light of day, which is what every bit of advice I've gotten involves. Go out, go try to meet people with the same interests. Get out. Where? Where do I go to? What interests? I've never been the initiator, friends in the past have had to do the initiating to hang out. I'm what many people would see as the archetypal loser. Still living at home at 26, never even attempted to talk to a girl, I hate myself so much I can't even hold down my job at the family business.

For years I was content being alone with no tangible friends, no career with opportunity for advancement, no romantic relationship. Just myself, my online friends, my mom, and my two dogs. But I was drinking 2-4 40oz malt liquors every night, so was I really content? Probably not, but I didn't feel the very real pain of depression yet. My dogs died in 2017, and it certainly didn't help my drinking, and now, I had no form of companionship at all other than online gaming friends. This December I quit drinking after 4 years of frequent drinking and then 3 years of nightly 40s, and since then, whatever hole the alcohol was filling has been replaced with deep, burning loneliness and craving for female attention, and I never thought these feelings could affect me before they did. For years I was fat, all throughout high school and years after, and because of that I never attempted to connect with a girl because how could anybody possibly ever be romantically interested in me? I had no looks, and my conversations would fit on an index card. Now that I've lost a lot of weight and am still losing, down to 250 from 310, I can see in the mirror that I have become more handsome, but I still cannot let myself believe that anybody would ever be interested in me. I still see myself as ugly, even though objectively it's not like I'm hideous.

Stacked on top of the loneliness is a feeling that I don't deserve anything—I don't deserve to be with anyone, I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve the paycheck that I earned when I was working. Because it wasn't an especially difficult, grueling experience quitting my alcohol addiction like it is for some people, I don't deserve to take pride in that positive direction. My story is so similar to so many other posts on this forum, I feel like I don't even deserve to post my own story. I can't break this logical block that will not let me take pride in the good things about myself. I can't seem to force myself to move in a positive direction. Everyday I just sit in my house mad and disappointed at myself for being too afraid to go out and be a stranger to someone long enough to get to know them.

I am a quiet person who is most comfortable at home, so I have considered online dating, but I find myself not only wanting to not be rejected, but also not wanting to reject others. I feel like I deserve whoever is the first match and only whoever is the first match, how can I be so bold as to reject a match after a lifetime of aloneness? And then that match will find out I have no confidence or self esteem and I'm living at home with "mommy" still and that's not attractive to anybody. So that match scares me if it even exists, because nothing would come of it other than disappointment.

I've considered suicide as a solution. The phrase "easier to die than try" pops up in my mind. It's easier to die than to put myself outside my comfort zone. It's easier to die than work manual labor for the rest of my life. It's easier to die than be alone forever. The other week, I was thinking about suicide and for a moment I got a very real feeling of excitement, and it scared me. I'm too scared to live, but too afraid to die. I feel like I will never like myself and I will never find the confidence to change because it does not exist within me.

derkderk
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu May 09, 2019 7:50 pm

Re: I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby derkderk » Tue Jul 16, 2019 7:19 pm

Not to make things more depressing (ha..) but I'm in my thirties and living at home. I graduated high school at about 22, not GED but a very sympathetic charter school teacher helped me a lot. My mother has devoted her life to mine and does not have a life of her own as a consequence. I have stayed alive so far because I couldn't "live" with myself if I were to take my life and how it would effect my mom. My friendships and romantic relationships are non-sustainable, so I've stopped looking for happiness in those areas and toward what I can do solo.

For many years have thought deeply on what it is exactly what my mind does compared to others. Using analogies, I contrast how a "normal" person would feel compared to me. Interestingly, I learned many good things about myself I had not known before and other things like exactly how world peace is a fantasy rather than an achievable goal. It gives me comfort, understanding, and confidence when I can now almost in real time compare myself to others. I've learned to appreciate the knowledge of psychology and its effect on the world every day, not just me.

But some days I feel to be living hour by hour, minute by minute. I'll often forget entire days or weeks because of the crap I endure because I can't kill myself. I then have learned mental pain tolerance skills keep the days moving along. I figure depression is only deadly when one decides to end their life because of depression.

lilpossum
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:51 pm

Re: I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby lilpossum » Wed Jul 17, 2019 12:02 am

Suhhh dude. Im 20 and a girl and im lonely af. Just cause.
Basically i also loathe myself. But i love the pleasures of life.
I stole from a store and had possession of scheduled 2 narcotics, in 2016.
Both of my parents are adopted. My mother was born in 1970, and my father was born in 1975. My father was born with a spine problem and has resented his medical life. My mother does not know her birth parents. They procreated: me. : .P
Lemme tell u somethin. Life is worth the livin. It truly is.
Everything you know you know because of life. You wouldnt even know life was shitty if you hadnt known life.
Keep posting to this forum if u wanna release urself of bad thoughts. I soak that stuff up like liquid
I love massages, i love music, i love food, i love sex, and i love being a witness to cool life things. Like birth (i think). What are some things you enjoy ?

Regina Quirion
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:18 am

Re: I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby Regina Quirion » Wed Jul 17, 2019 8:49 am

I understand your life hasn’t been upto your expectations and you might be feeling this due to some incidents in your life. I wont judge you for this but neither should you. Never lose the love that you have for yourself. Everybody is different in their own manner which doesnt make them any less or more than others. Hey gather these thoughts throw them in a bag. Pack it and dispose it off. You are way better than you think you are. Get yourself a dog and see from his eyes what you are. They never lie. Try meditation or yoga. Those also help.

reaThua9
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Jul 22, 2019 12:25 pm

Re: I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby reaThua9 » Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:09 pm

I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed right now. But life has so much more to show you and teach you. You asked where should you go if you went out: what about volunteering? From what you said, you connect well with dogs, so you could try volunteering at an animal shelter. Or there's plenty of other places, maybe lookup volunteer opportunities in your area and look for something you care about. This might be a great way to ease into "getting out" socially, without the pressure of an actual social get-together. Plus, when I'm down or depressed, it really helps to get my mind off myself and help others in need. It gives you perspective on what's going right in your own life.

No matter what, don't despair, take hope! You're already making some major steps forward to improve yourself and your life, and I think you'll be surprised how much has changed when you look back a few years from now. Blessings!

Spleefy
Posts: 194
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby Spleefy » Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:31 am

It’s interesting to read your post because it reminds me of when I used to be so hard on myself in the past with my own self-defeating internal monologue.

Depression distorts our perception of the world and self. As the saying goes: “We’re our own worst enemy”. Therefore, sometimes we need to take a step back and look at ourselves objectively.

Ask yourself: “is there anything to substantiate what I’m saying?” Where is the evidence?

When you say: “How could anybody possibly ever be romantically interested in me?” why not say: “Why wouldn’t someone be romantically interested in me?”

Furthermore, by saying: “who would be interested in me”, you are answering for other people.

My uncle has special needs and I am his in-home carer. It is no different when I often tell myself:

“What woman would want to spend a life with me and take on this responsibility?”

AND

“I wouldn’t ask any woman to take on this responsibility and therefore I should remain single”.

But that is garbage thinking because I know I have much to offer to a potential partner. In addition, it is unfair of me to answer for them. If a woman wants to be in my life then I should let her make that decision for herself rather than choosing for her.

Do you see where I am coming from?

Based on your post, you are articulate and witty.

And, you obviously have enough motivation to lose 60 pounds. You know how many people who are unhappy with their weight lack the motivation to do anything about it? Or, some may try to do something about it but throw in the towel prematurely when they don't see results overnight.

It also seems like you are a sensitive man. This is an excellent quality. Don’t confuse sensitivity with weakness. It is a weakness of the heart to NOT be sensitive.

A sensitive man is more likely to be in tune with another person’s feelings. This is good if you are in a relationship because then you’ll be more receptive to her emotional needs and thus better able to give her the love and emotional support that she needs and deserves.

You need to give yourself more credit, man!

You have more going for you than your current worldview will let you see at the moment. Give yourself permission to see yourself in a different light.

But I do get it. As we know, depression distorts our thinking.

Try not to indulge in those nasty and unfounded thought processes.

Why?

Because you’ll start to believe and live up to the labels you give to yourself.

Let’s use an illustration. I like to think of it like this…

Imagine you see a beautiful lake and want to go down to it, but there are no paths. So you just start walking towards the lake, with your body slowly brushing away the shrubs and your feet making a track.

You walk to the lake everyday along the same path that you just made. After a while, the path to the lake becomes free of shrubs and easier to traverse.

Much the same happens to our brains with what we tell ourselves each day. We create a metaphorical path in our brains with our internal monologue. Each day when we chant to ourselves that we are not good enough, the path eventually becomes a groove as it gets deeper and deeper each time. This groove makes us more receptive to self-defeating thoughts.

Try not to indulge in those self-defeating thoughts. The deeper that groove is, the longer it will take and harder it will be to fill it back up.

I had depression for over one-third of my life and spent that entire time telling myself I wasn’t good enough, pathetic, useless, worthless and other nasty and unfounded things about myself that I certainly won’t repeat here. I deeply regret doing that because my thoughts became my beliefs and I became my beliefs.

Please don’t make that same mistake, friend.

Be loving and kind to yourself. See yourself for how you want others to see you.

When the time is right, you will meet someone special. While you are single, perhaps use this time to work on your relationship with yourself.

It is just as easy, and takes no more energy, to tell yourself:

I do deserve to be with someone special”.

I do deserve friends and I will make a great friend at that

I do deserve to be paid according to the work I do

Also, at least it was in my case, my self-destructive thought patterns stopped the moment I re-balanced my brain chemistry.

I revamped my diet and exercised regularly, and in time my neurochemistry was restored and the negative thinking stopped on its own, including the suicidal thoughts.

This might be something to consider, because it can be near impossible to rationalize or talk our way out of depression and self-defeating thought patterns if our brain chemistry is out of whack. This is not to say that you won’t have some negative thoughts from time to time. This is natural. The important thing is to immediately shut it down and to not indulge in it. Step back and be objective whenever a self-defeating statement pops into your head. Back up those statements with evidence.

As for living at home--It is nothing to be ashamed of. We are a product of cultural and societal norms.

In many parts of the world, it is the norm for a child to live at home until they marry. In some cultures, the parents would actually take offense if the child did move out before marriage. And, in some families, generations of family members live in the same household and take care of one another.

Bottom line?

Create a groove in your brain filled with loving-kind thoughts about yourself. After a while, it will get easier and become second nature. You will see the world and yourself differently.

It is just as easy to see the glass half empty as it is to see it half full. It all comes down to the type of thinking we choose to habituate. They just take time to develop. So why not take the time to develop good thinking habits?

The new habits and thought patterns will then become a part of you. As the apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:23: “And you should continue to be made new in your dominate mental attitude”.

It may not seem like it now, but things will get better.

Take care, friend, and try not to over think and take things too seriously. Sometimes it helps to laugh at ourselves, our mistakes, and imperfections.

You will be in my thoughts and my prayers.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18


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