My depressing life story, lol

[deadsoull]

[*]Hi, I'm new here and I just want to say that I am open to any comments questions or just a chat. I've come on here because i feel i need to get away from the outside world. i also need help dealing with everything that's inside me and advice

My story (in short):
I come from the U.K. and i've being struggling with various mental health issues/stuff. It all started when i was around 12 and I had issues with friends and fitting in to high school (which i had just started). I had made a few friends but was constantly being put down by one group of girls (the popular ones)who were supposedly my 'friends'. that's when i started having mental breakdowns and self harming. I felt as if i was worthless to everyone and that i needed to become better. i was becoming unhappy with myself so i continued self harm to punish myself for not being good enough. In the end i told my close friend M about it and i think it made my situation worse. she started to worry about me and because she didn't understand properly she was making me feel guilty and told me to just stop and how i needed to tell someone about it which is not her fault as she didn't know what was happening. in the end i had a massive fallout about it with my other friend J as i didn't want to tell her and have everyone know. i was being to deal with it throughout the years to come but continued to self harm and get anxiety later on. I made new friends and became really close with my best friend now T. at the end of my 3rd year at high school (year 9) I found out that T was self harming and having panic attacks. i had no idea what to do and i blamed myself for letting it happen to her. my depression went right back down just as i had started to get along with it but i never blame her for that. only myself. I started self harming again and my friend A found out about us both doing it. she would always ask questions and tell us to stop but it was never that simple and it felt like she took the piss. I still struggle with depression and anxiety (not so much) but it has gotten better and i have learnt to deal with it -up till present day

I know that wasn't exactly short but i needed to get my whole story out. i will keep my story updated if you would like to hear more.
People always say that the first step to dealing with a problem is admitting you have a problem. this has been really difficult for me to write and I hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel for me and mostly for everyone else dealing with any mental disorder.

Dead Soul.

[Spleefy]

Hi Soul,

First, thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings. Many people find it hard to reach out let alone express their feelings coherently. You've expressed yourself very well.

I saw your post here and I know a few people who cut also.

It's interesting how certain things happen at certain times. I believe that things happen for a reason. For instance, in my opinion, I believe depression is really just a LOUD message and wake up call that something in our life must be changed.

The problem with depression is that we don't often listen to it because it consumes every cell in our body and drains us of life. Our thoughts, perceptions, and judgment become clouded and we lose clarity, motivation, self-esteem... and often the will to live.

You eventually become an empty shell of your former self, no longer living life but merely existing.

I'm sorry that you are going through some rough times right now.

All we can do is to cope the best way we can. We use the resources that we have at our disposal... sometimes it's a blade.

I had a close friend who cut for the physical pain over the emotional. Emotional pain is distorting, numbing, detaching, and nothing feels real anymore. My close friend cut to make the pain she was experiencing more "real", to feel alive again.

The urge to cut is very powerful and so not something that can be "stopped", especially if someone is on their own and have a limited support network.

And sometimes people that care about us will say things that come across as indifferent or uncaring. Sometimes it's not easy to know what to say to someone when they are hurting so much and self-harming.

You said you cut to punish yourself because you perceive yourself as not being good enough. Soul, you sound like a lovely person and very caring towards others. Maybe you need to give yourself some of this care, be kinder on yourself, and remind yourself of the amazing person you are!

If you do feel like self-harming, please talk to someone first. Sometimes just knowing someone out there cares for us can often make all the difference.

If you want, just post again on here and I'm positive people will reply and give you plenty of emotional support. I will definitely do that. You are not alone. There are people out there that you can talk to. I would like to hear of any updates, so please keep sharing.

And the darkness WILL pass, Soul. There will be light again. Just believe in yourself and believe things will get better. If your belief is not strong right now, which often isn't when we are feeling broken inside, then it helps to just hold onto faith. Just cling on to it and take one day at a time.

Based on your post I see strength and resilience in you. As life coach Les Brown says, "the rough times are gonna come, but they are not here to stay, they have come to pass"

The darkness you are experiencing right now is only temporary. Just keep your head up, Soul. You can AND will get through this.

Reach out if you need to talk to someone. Keep smiling and trust that things will somehow work out...

And believe.

Spleefy

[deadsoull]

Hi Spleefy,
Thank you so much for your reply. You words have really helped me realize a lot about me and others. I hope you are doing okay. You are really inspirational and I hope one day I can say the same words to myself as you have said to me but for now i'm going to take one day at a time. I will hopefully post again and i want to give others the same emotional support as you have given me. Thank you so much it means more than you will ever know.

Love, Soull xoxo

[Spleefy]

Hi Soul,

I am doing... okay lol. One of the things I find is that I often would rate my day based on how I was feeling overall. For example, yesterday I had a period where I wanted to so badly to die. But today was actually okay. This little insight puts things into perspective for me in that, while overall I'm in a less than ideal headspace, each day (sometimes several times in a day) is different.

I'm happy to hear that you said you will take one day at a time. It's important to live in the here and the now. It is counterproductive to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will have its own problems. I find if I focus on today instead of merely existing today but having my head in tomorrow, then things become much more manageable and easier to cope with.

You will get into the position of telling yourself the facts -- you are an amazing human being with so much potential and so much to offer. We all do. Sometimes we just need to tell ourselves this enough until it becomes a conviction. Take Muhammad Ali, for example. He told himself that he is pretty, the greatest, and the fastest. He would say, "I'm young; I'm handsome; I'm fast. I can't possibly be beat". He told himself (and the entire world) these and more over and over. It was his conviction. We are whatever we believe ourselves to be.

work on it day by day and you WILL get there, Soul. I believe you. And, in time, you will believe in you, too.

Please do keep posting. I want to know how things are going with you. I want to know if you are feeling down, sad, or having an incredible day.

Keep smiling, Soul. You WILL get through this!

Spleefy