I just found this site mostly out of desperation. I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 5 years old. At least that was the first time I can remember having a suicidal thought. I was laying in bed on a Saturday morning staring at the ceiling thinking of all of the ways I could end my life. Rather than being frightened by the feelings, I was growing excited and relieved by it. I had an out, an option. I guess I had never really heard of suicide then because I remember thinking in my child mind that I created this magical option and that no one else knew about it. Eventually, I can't really remember why, but I told my mother and she blew up at me, told me everyone feels that way but no one talks about it, and that was it. I am now 43 years old and I still wake up everyday and think the same thing I did when I was five. I list all the ways I could end my life in my head. But then I get up and go about my day feeling absolutely horrible. Except recently there is this pressure in my head and I feel the need to end it already. I keep thinking if I change my job or if I change my boyfriend things will get better, but they never do. I use to love to paint and draw and I have stopped doing that now. I would say I have truly lost my way, but I don't think I ever had a way.
Anyway, that's me. I hope this wasn't too much for an introduction.
