Making Peace With My Prescriptions

[100footpole]

In the late `80s I asked my DR. to put me on an SSRT. I had read about it in a magazine ... Drug company propaganda about "the cure for depression." I had gone through several iterations of therapy, which would help until I broke down again for what seemed stupid stuff.

The Dr. put me on Prozac. A couple of years later it became Fluoxetine - the generic equivalent - which seemed worse. Dr. refused to give me a script for Prozac, even when I said I would pay the difference. He said there was no difference.

Kept on the Fluoxetine until the 00's. Had a nervous episode in '05 or '06. Got my script upped, and seemed to make me feel stupider, but other people said I was better. Long story short .... company I was working for had problems. I helped them, they gave me bonuses until I got laid off. The lay off left me feeling really down so I changed my career.

Changing career got me a new drug ... Buspar for anxiety .. with the Fluoxetine. It worked great through education, but I couldn't find a place after school. 2014 I had another nervous episode and just quit. The Buspar and Fluoxetine kept me stable ... but this site helped A LOT too ...

Seemed to get my stuff together last Summer. Decided to try to ween off the prescribed drugs. I think I was done by late July. I started to feel good about what I was doing ... making projects for myself.

Here is what I self-prescribed:

2 - 3 cups of coffee a day.
3 - 10 cigs a day (Try to make 20 last 4 days at least).
Nicotine Pills & Vapor Stick.
Pint of Bourbon on Mondays.
Pitcher of Margarita on Fridays.
Chocolate before bed.
Wine or beer when its served.

I exercised with a heavy sweat for 4 or 5 hours a week.
I walked at least a mile every day.

Had another nervous episode at Thanksgiving. I was a mess. Started taking the drugs again, went back to the Dr. to get more prescribed. I was thinking dark thoughts.

Dark thoughts stayed with me, but got more manageable ... I think I've been on the Fluoxetine and Buspar for 20+ days. Walking today, dark thoughts came up, but I noticed that they felt unfamiliar. Today seemed the same as yesterday, but it occurred to me that the thoughts were quieter ... easier to put out of my mind, to contradict.

In October, I noticed that the bourbon on Mondays was leaving me feeling depressed on Tuesdays. The Beer and Wine didn't leaving me feeling as relaxed in social situations ... My wife needed to drive instead of me. Cigarettes moved up from 3+. In September I had gone for 7 days with 20 cigs ... but I couldn't keep it up.

So I can't tell. Am I setting myself up for failure with the self-prescribed drugs? Dark thoughts definitely come when I go cold turkey on the nicotine. And cutting back works, until the triggers. I'm 58 so its hard to avoid the triggers ... Family.

I drink the Bourbon with a good friend of mine and we discuss politics and the world and have a great time on Mondays. I would hate to give that stimulation up ... its the freshest interaction I have in my life.

If I don't drink two cups of coffee in the morning I end up back in bed and unproductive. I did experiments for up to 3 days, but that started to kick my depression in over the summer.

I'm back to OK ... but I don't see any way to get to Great. Even this summer I never felt "I love myself." It was more conditional. Just get going on some project ... get some meaning in my life ...

Please, if you have made it to great ... if you have truly given yourself permission to love yourself, to forgive yourself ... tell me when/how you knew. How long has it been? What do you do when the dark thoughts seem to come back? If your answer is religion, feel free to tell me, but it doesn't work for me. I have been disappointed by religious people and while I don't use that as a proof, I am still pissed at the deities ... still a believer, but not hopeful.

Thanks for reading.

[100footpole]

I am reading a book called "This Idea Must Die: Scientific Theories That Are Blocking Progress." Edited By John Brockman. In the book scientists write about theories that they have encountered, even supported, that they think are embedded in text books, but which aren't true.

One of the ideas in the book is "essentialism" that says that there are classes of things that can be determined. Richard Dawkins, the author, objects to paleontologists who say this fossil is an Australopithecus while this one is a Homo Erectus. He points out that at the moments in pre-history when the Australopithecus was evolving into Homo Erectus there were a variety of man-apes. It would be impossible to say at what point each of these apes was either one species or the other. He uses the example of a "liger". Female liger's can reproduce, while male ligers are sterile. Why are male liger's sterile? We don't know.

So what does that have to do with depression? I think we depressed people often think in terms of "essentialism", and wish we could be "better". I will never be as cheerful as the most positive people I know. If I was like them I wouldn't be myself. On the other hand, when I am really depressed I also "don't feel like myself", yet obviously, like Popeye, I yam what I yam.

I'm not sure if there is therapeutic value in thinking of myself as a "liger" or a "tigon". I am not cheerful, but sometimes, if only for a second, I can feel happy. Instead of being depressed, most of the time I am either "deppy" - more depressed than happy - or "happressed" - more happy than depressed. In fact, when I am really "deppy" I start to panic. The "happressed" part of me appreciates this knowledge. I know why people do stupid things: Drink, Drugs, Bad Behavior. When I was younger I tried to control how I felt using the stupid things. Inevitably, the things might make feel "happressed" ... maybe even "happy". But when the things wore off I was even more "deppy" and panicy.

I am controlling how I feel a little with tools. Fluoxetine and Buspar. I try to control my consumption of alcohol ... try to stay "happressed" instead of pretending insensate is happy.

[nenkohai2]

Heyya 100footpole,

51 here. There's a few things that help me keep it together. Making art is a HUGE part of it. I discovered ceramics about 3.5 years ago - more importantly, I suppose, that I was good at it. I coupled that with a musical outlet: taiko (or Japanese) drumming. Pottery is, by nature, solitary while the taiko is done in a group setting. I find both things imbued with spirituality - of course, I'm the one who did the imbuing, as it were. I chose to lense these activities through spirituality.

I am not suggesting that you should try any of this. My point, I think, is to let you know that I took a couple interests and honed them into a practice that, among other things, combats depression and anxiety.

And strangely, my day job is what supports everything I do outside of work. That means, I guess, that in terms of fulfillment, I get more outside of work than doing my job - which I think is perfectly fine, ya know...?

I still take wellbutrin and zoloft. They help to keep the rudder in the water.

Just wanted to let you know, I relate. At least a little bit. Best to you.

[100footpole]

Thanks for your reply.

Do you have any thoughts on getting dependent on Wellbutrin? It has been helping me keep my anxiety at an acceptable level for the past month.

I agree that I need to get new interests. Without going into details, I decided to give up a hobby that I had been pursuing for 15 years or so. This hobby involved me interacting with people 1 or 2 times a week. Once I stopped taking my meds I found that I didn't enjoy working with these people anymore ... the meds were making me too passive.

I have heard back a couple of times from the people I was pursuing my hobby with, but I do not want to re-engage. Before I was taking the Wellbutrin on the days that I needed to interact with them. Now that I am rarely interacting I need to take the Wellbutrin more often. On the other hand, this situation is one I have encountered several times in my life, and I generally find that after a year or so I have found new interests that are more fulfilling than what I had before.

To put my hobby-group in context: Other people had joined the group, and then left it when the obligations and commitments got too large. I had a good friend join the group, and we made some really great changes in the group's infra-structure. My friend moved for work, and after that the group seemed harder for me to get along with. I began to resent my obligations, and so gave up a support to have the opportunity to begin looking for better supports.

The friend I drink with and I have often discussed objectivity. He says if your feeling is that everyone around you is a jerk, then that probably means you are the jerk. I was OK with my group before my friend joined, but after he left I found that volunteering was more work than fun. I have talked to other friends my age who have said the same thing.

The lesson I am taking from this experience is to be more open to new experiences ... even after I find a new support. I think I let my relationship to this situation get toxic when my friend left the group, I should have been more up front about discussing my feelings before the situation reached a binary choice. I think another symptom of depression is to be self-defeating by getting into situations that create drama. I know the group is confused about why I simply quit. I got one email saying "You sound depressed." I knew that ... and didn't reply. I don't know what to do when the thing that triggers me is also supporting me ... although this seems to be a theme in many of these posts.

I noticed that last year when I was also depressed I wrote quite often on this board. As I got better over time I posted less often. I think this is the same theme as my other activity. I post here for support, and I try to be supportive, but once I find my way again I am suspect I will be like the other "normal people" and not have the compassion or the time to support.

Congratulations on finding your way, and I appreciate your wisdom.

[nenkohai2]

I've been on Wellbutrin for so long that I've not considered the possibility of dependence. Perhaps that's something I'll bring up with my psychiatrist at my next med check.

Ya know, I was considering joining an Improv group, but they have a sort of corporate desire to perform. I wouldn't want that expectation placed on me, for sure! I can understand how your situation might grow toxic.

I hope things start feeling better for you soon and hope at least today is a good day for you.

[NickStokes]

Thx for sharing your thoughts with us!