My name is Asherr...

[AsherrTheBlack]

Hello, my name is Asherr, I have been depressed for as long as i can remember, I have had happy days, and I have had bad days, but one constant about my life is when I wake up every morning i feel like I am dead. there is a cool numbness where my heart should be, and the mild memory of a distant pain scratching to get out but never able to breach the nothingness that has taken hold of my soul. I'll ussually lie awake for hours at a time and think of reasons I should get out of bed, typiccally only the prospect of playing my favorite MMORPG gets me moving eventually. I'm not sure how or why it started but at some point in my life the light in my soul went out, and I have ben living with it ever since. the darkness that has crept into my heart is more vast then any ocean, with shadows darker then any void. I find myself longing for that pitch darkness now. I feel as though I need it, because it brings me some level of comfort or satisfaction, i'm not sure which. what scares me the most is that now I find myself enjoying the slow hours of the night, right before falling asleep sitting up in the darkness staring wide eyed into the empty void, more so then any of my interactions of relationships during the day. I'm not sure if i remember what happiness is supposed to feel like but when I look into the darkness i feel something that reminds me of it. I stroll through my day to day, everyday, simply going through the motions of being alive, forcing myself to take every breath, some days I even forget to eat, because my body has become so numb to itself that hunger no longer registers. I don't want to die, the very idea of suicide is abhorrent to me, and any health person who considers it an option is a coward, but some days I can't help but wish there was an escape from this state I find myself in, I miss the pain of living more than anything. My grandmother died about four years ago, and when I found out i felt nothing. I can't even bring myself to shed a single tear for her death, fake or otherwise. I feel as though whatever warmth was in my heart has long been sucked out and turned into a wasteland of endless winter, with a darkness never again to be parted by the warm light of the sun. I have never told anyone this before, all four of my siblings have been treated for depression, and i know that if i tell my parents they will never look at me the same way again. I don't have money for therapy, nor do I have the time, so i have resigned myself to my own imposed misery and self deprivation. even this prospect does not register emotionally to me because the void in my soul has left me without even pity to feel, even for myself. talking about this has helped me immensely thank you anyone who read this.