Helpless and hating it

[legion]

Whew, where to begin.

I feel like I was a pretty outgoing and optimistic guy when I began my professional photography business nearly 8 years ago. Starting from scratch I etched a name for myself and with a lot of hard work I was doing better each year. About 4 years ago I got engaged to my long time gf who was a med student at the time and we both knew that when she graduated we were going to be moving, most likely to another state. I had a year to get in the mind-set that we would be moving and as it turned out it was going to be to TX, over 1000 miles from where I established my business. I wanted it to be Pennsylvania (which was close enough to WV (our former home) to still advertise there), but the soon to be wife preferred the better opportunity for her in TX. So in 2012 we were married and a few months later we were moved.

I knew it would be hard to get re-established but I had no idea it would be as hard as it turned out to be. I tried everything. Reached out to other photographers, venues, planners, expos, but all ended in disappointment. Three years later and one disappointment after another is crushing me. My work load is dwindling more and more every year, as is my savings that I'm pretty much living off of, which I accumulated in the first 4 years. I went from having an outgoing active life where we used to live to what feels like rotting away in our new home. With barely any work coming in and not a lot of things to do here I find myself at home a lot with my thoughts while my wife is working her dream job and is gone usually 60+ hours a week. We essentially live separate lives and I'm left feeling that we traded in one career for another. I know it's not her fault it ended up this way but it's still painful when she comes home and talks about work every day and I usually don't have much to add to the conversation. The worst part is that I know if I were close to where we used to live I would be doing really well. I get turned down by quite a few WV clients who contact me when they realize I live in TX and not WV anymore. They want someone local.

It wasn't until about a month and a half ago that I opened up to my wife about the depth of my depression and she wanted me to see a psychologist. I did. The psychologist nudged me in the direction of getting medicated because she felt I would be diagnosed with depression, which I was shortly after. I'm medicated and still struggling on a daily basis. I would never tell anyone this face to face or even act on it for that matter but suicide crosses my mind on a regular basis. I think it's the newfound morbidness in me that brings it out and I can't seem to shake it. Like I said, I would never actually do it but it's weird to me that it's always lingering in my mind regardless. I can't seem to escape this dark cloud that has been following me the past 3 years. I don't feel like doing hardly anything and my relationship with my wife is suffering. We've had some issues lately and every day she asks me if "we're ok?" and I'm starting to hate that question. I just feel like we're not going to be ok until something drastic happens with my work situation. I don't want to tell her that, though. She's already stressed enough with her job as it is. I just hate that my happiness is so directly connected with my career that it effects me as much as it does.

I'm making a last ditch effort to pull my business back together this year and it's hard to get optimistic about it. We'll see how it goes. I think that if it actually does work that it would help exponentially with my situation since I'll have work to take my mind off of whatever dark place it tends to wander. If not, I have 3 more years to cope with this totally flat, humid hell that I've found myself in. We can move back to a place that has mountains, lakes, and seasons once again and at least I can try to pick up the pieces in a more therapeutic place.

Is anyone else in a remotely similar situation that can relate and offer some insight and coping mechanisms? I need some help.

- Legion

[Bardsley]

Hello,

I can relate to career frustration and living in place you don't want to be. I teach English in Japan, but don't speak Japanese. It can be isolating. Unlike you, however, I chose my situation.

It sounds like you are talking to your wife and therapist, working hard, and doing all the things you should be doing. I don't really have suggestions. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and someone cares.

[legion]

Thanks so much for the reply. At the time of that post I was in such a dark place in my life. Every day was such a struggle that my wife basically forced me to talk to someone about my woes. After seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist, getting put on bupropion, and finally some good career news for once in a long while, I'm in a better place. I've had a lot of good things happen since April and it feels so good to be out of that hole I was in before.

I have a friend who is doing the exact same thing you are in Japan. He goes through the same isolation slumps every now and again. Even though he doesn't make much effort to meet new friends he really likes it there. I think that on his days off though he spends them drinking to sort of numb the lonely feeling, which is sad.