My Story

[RoseEcho229]

Hi, I'm Caitlen and I have bipolar and have struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life.

This is a pretty lengthy post, so if you want to move on because of the length, I understand.

I was sexually abused as a child by my cousin, and have been in counseling because of it on and off since I was 12. I have taken medication and seen a psychiatrist since that age as well.

I've had highs and lows as a kid because I am adopted from Korea and lived in an all white town in Illinois. This caused much bullying and has greatly lowered my self-esteem. My sister was always an overachiever and is now a producer on the NBC reality show The Voice. I've always felt inferior to her, especially since I am 25, still living at home, and only just graduated college with a worthless film degree in May of 2014.

I thought everything was fine and that I'd dealt with my sexual trauma, depression, bipolar, and anxiety, as I was still taking prescribed medications and had been in therapy for 10 years on and off. I had talked about my childhood and sexual trauma until I was blue in the face, but it wasn't until October of 2014 that I realized I hadn't fully dealt with this.

I was working at Starbucks as a barista, and had been working about 30 hours a week there for the past month. The drive there wasn't great (40 minutes each way), the pay was terrible (a little above minimum wage), and the hours were bad because of the commute. I took this job because it was all I could find for the time being. I had no idea it would trigger me and make me hit rock bottom.

This job triggered me because the supervisor was a cleaning nazi who made you do something every single minute, or else she just judged you with her piercing eyes like you were worthless, until you found something to clean. She's much like my parents. They have to have everything clean as well, and if something is out of place, they make sure you know it. The commute as well as the hours the place was open really sucked. If I closed at 7pm, and then opened the next morning, I was there by 4:30AM. Meaning i left my house by 3:45 to make sure I got there on time.

Anyway, the day I hit rock bottom, I was planning to close the store, but woke up feeling completely out of sorts. Just terrible. I was crying uncontrollably, had cold sweats, was pacing back and forth like a mad woman, and too weak to even hold my head up. I couldn't get comfortable regardless of what I was doing (pacing or trying to lay in bed) and I just felt like I had taken nyquil the night before and was waking up groggy, and unable to find a comfortable spot. This means I felt like I was ready to jump out of my skin much like a person addicted to hard drugs would feel. This is literally the WORST FEELING EVER, and if anyone else has been there, you have my sympathy and know what I mean.

i couldn't go into work that day, and even had a counseling appointment set up with my old counselor that day, which I was planning to attend before work. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to do any of these things. I don't know how else to explain negative reactions to medications other than comparing it to how you feel when sick, but worse. It's worse because it feels like withdrawal, it feels like it's all in your head, and that you look like a crazy person, and it just feels... off. I felt like a walking zombie who had been pretending for far too long that she was "fine."

I also had panic attacks before going to work that early in the morning, as the medication I was on only allowed me 2 hours of sleep a night.

Long story short (too late) the day I ended up realizing I was still living with the sexual abuse was the day I checked myself into an inpatient facility. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but realized that I couldn't wait to find the right medication with the current psychiatrist I had, who prescribed 4 terrible medications back to back, some of them being newer medications that had just been approved. While it would make sense to some to just find a new psychiatrist, I knew that could take at least a month with waiting lists alone. This was the quickest fix, especially since these medications were impairing how I functioned day to day.

My picture going into the facility is akin to a mug shot. I remember the day, but with a blurry quality to the memory, much like a movie showing kids getting high. I spent a week as an inpatient, and the experience was worse because of the incompetence of the staff and their repeated mistakes and disorganization.

By some miracle (thank you God!) I got connected with an IOP therapy group and ended up then finding my therapist and psychiatrist through them.

Thankfully, I am recovering, but am nowhere near where I want to be. My mood swings have stopped for the most part with my cymbalta, but I have light headedness, distorted depth perception, and just feel weird at night time after taking my medication. My social anxiety is pretty crippling, and I hardly get out of the house because of this and my depression. I'm trying to get disability money while I'm getting my life back together, but it's a lengthy process.

I'm seeing a counselor once a week who is going to introduce me to EMDR therapy, and am also seeing a new psychiatrist who is weaning me off some bad medications and onto new ones.

The worst part is that my family doesn't always understand why I can't just get a job and move out like most young people. I wish I knew why I can't either. Whenever I tried applying for jobs, each job board said I wasn't good enough and was inadequate and too stupid to apply. Working at Starbucks was stressful because one of the coworkers liked everything done a certain way and was a cleaning Nazi, so I walked on pins and needles trying to please her and failed daily. I know these things aren't the cause of my rock bottom on their own. If I didn't suffer low self esteem, sexual trauma, and bullying which also attributed to my social anxiety, i would have been fine and just weathered through the bad treatment.

While 25, I still feel like that lost 12 year old girl. In many ways, I still am. My codependency as well (add another onto the list!) stops me from being as autonomous as I want too. For all of you hurting, know I feel for you and am here should you need me. Don't ever let others tell you you're making up mental illness, because it's an invisible and taboo illness to the rest of the world, but to you and me it is something we live with every. single. day.

We are stronger than those fighting physical ailments, because mental illness impacts both mind and body. Please know that it's never too late to get your life back on track, and that there's always someone here to support you. Thanks for listening.

[emily67]

Caitlen,

it so nice to meet someone else with bipolar. i don't feel so left out now.

thank you for sharing your story, and i hope that you will continue to reach out on this site

hugs

[RoseEcho229]

Thanks, Emily67 for reading my post! I didn't expect any replies, so you made my day. Bipolar I think is one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses and one of the most stigmatized. It's nice knowing we're in good company.

[emily67]

Thanks, Emily67 for reading my post! I didn't expect any replies, so you made my day. Bipolar I think is one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses and one of the most stigmatized. It's nice knowing we're in good company.

Caitlen,

sadly, i think the same could be said for any mental health issue at all.

bipolar, ADHD, eating disorders, self harm..... they are all so stigmatised.

the world has a long way to go before you can openly walk in to a cafe or chat to a normal person in the street and say... hey, i'm diagnosed with such and such

i think most of it's the media's fault. they portray mental illness as the most dangerous, horrible thing ever, and then after seeing that people just don't want to know

their's plenty of information online about various disorders, so it's not hard to look them up and learn to understand them

people just don't want to do that

[100footpole]

RoseEcho,

If you look next to your post in "Your Story" you can see that 63 people have looked at your story. We all feel for you, but it is hard to be the same person who always says "It Will Be OK". Click on the profile button under this post, look at my other posts ... I am the kind of person who believes "It Will Be OK".

With that said ... Emily ... I don't think we'll ever live in a world where we will be able to "chat to a normal person in the street and say... hey, i'm diagnosed with such and such." Since they are normal ... they don't care ... they're thinking about NORMAL things. Poor dears ... so boring.