Hard to believe they can even stand me !

[Itsonlyme]

I think most of my friends, especially my closest ones, "know" that I hate my life, and have some really serious issues with depression.

A few weeks back I was kind of going through a phase when I was like, "Screw it ! If anybody asks, and maybe even if they don't, I'm not going to keep any secrets anymore"

So for a while there, I was just really spouting off that, "My life was a worthless POS. That I was desperately lonely, and am positive I will die that way. That I am SO freaking anxious for my molecules to be scattered"....

Long story short.... They tried to be understanding / reasonable about what I was saying, but after a while, a couple told me that > "They were sorry, and they wished their was something they could do..... but that it was not fair for me to drag them down, and make them all miserable too.

....which was totally true, and understandable. So that's when I started trying to keep my crappy life to myself again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But even so > When I'm happy (not often... and not truly so, for a couple years now) I am a freaking fantastic guy ! I have a great sense of humor, I'm witty, polite, friendly, intelligent, outgoing.....

However, I'm also sure all of these things ^ fall way off, when I start thinking about the reality of my crappy life.

Then, at my work, we have new people come in all the time, and I just know I couldn't come off as such a great, worthwhile guy..... while dwelling on, "I wish I were dead" all day.....

A lot of these people have never met the great guy "I could be"

[Shean]

Hey, Itsonlyme,
I can relate to some of your feelings. I remember feeling anger and frustration about my life, job, women (lack of --but that's more expected for a nerd). I've experienced depression or anxiety most of my life, and a bout with anxiety got so bad last year I couldn't sleep or eat. I was desperate. I finally talked to a relative who was a minister. I know you're not a believer, but I'm as sincere as I can be that giving my life to Christ made all the difference.
I hope you don't give up. Have you considered counseling? (I know that's a stupid question). I just don't want you to give up when there are people who can help in some way. I thought I was a hopeless case, but, by God's grace, I wasn't. I realize that may not make much difference now, I'm just relating what happened to me. Praying for you.

[100footpole]

Shean (and IOM),

I think belief in a higher power is part of 12 step programs because it is a tool that makes you think outside of yourself. It works because none of us gets what we want, and some of us think that fact reflects on our worth. IOM's pictures showed that he has lots of self-discipline. But I'm not sure that he can make peace with the effort without a reason. If he wanted to be a "playa" he'd have it made ... but since he is a nice guy the question "Where's my girlfriend" becomes regressive. He has talked about only being attracted to women who turn out to already being in a relationship. In my experience (from more than 30 years ago) church is a great place to meet women who are already in a relationship with an entity. The problem is at some point you are going to be in a menege a trois with the girl, the entity, and yourself. 30 years ago I wished the girl and the entity good luck.

I still believe in an entity, but mine is amorphous ... and kind of shy. Right now it is telling me to SHUT THE HECK UP!

So, church could be a better place for IOM to socialize then other places in CA., but if the church doesn't serve a deeper purpose ... what you refer to as "giving my life to Christ" ... then it becomes a pickup joint for playas once removed. The dissonance of not having a purpose that you can believe in always comes back to haunt.

How do you find Your Special Purpose? I don't know ... I know that Steve Martin was really excited when he found his in the movie The Jerk ... wisest movie ever made.

[Itsonlyme]

Thank you Sean. BTW, one of my best friends is a total, self admitted nerd, and we all just love the guy ! Women like him too. He's not even the best looking guy.... + he's built about like the Pillsbury Doughboy, however he never has a problem with finding a woman who wants to be with him. {absolute proof that fitness means "zero" to most women}
I do appreciate the prayers.... and actually, I'd like to ask that you skip the > "Plez find this guy a partner"...... but rather, "Plez show up on the foot of this guys bed, and show him your real"......
I'm pretty sure this ^ would be a deal changer.

100ft, you said, "a playa" again LOL Thank you for the good morning laugh

Well "not only" women who turn out to be in a relationship, although that has been a good part of it. It would best describe it just to say, "To women who could not care less if I ever existed".
But yea', as for a relationship with a religious woman..... Hmmm.... probably not. And definitely not in a church ! I'd walk out of there with my tongue bleeding from biting it !