I'm a 50yo mother of 2 grown kids. I've been the "strong one" my entire life .. up until 2008 when I lost a good paying job. At the time I was seeing someone I thought was the love of my life. A series of back-to-back events from that day (8 JUL 2008) triggered something inside of me. Something dark.
When I lost my job, my youngest was 15 yo and starting HS. Without a college degree, I "thought" I could find a job in Texas making decent money (I lived in Indiana), and I honestly needed to get away. My boyfriend lived in Texas at the time. My oldest was 21, so neither of them were babies, but leaving them after losing my job devastated me and filled me with guilt. I was away 9 months, but in constant contact with my kids, who were living in my house. It didn't keep me from feeling like I abandoned them.
They're both well adjusted grown men now (20 and 26), and neither of them treat me as if I did something wrong. They don't make me feel guilty, I JUST DO. That guilt has been with me the past 6 years, eating away at my heart.
Going from a $60k job to not having a job, not getting unemployment (I was fired for falsifying my time sheet, which was not true), using my Roth IRA to pay bills and ending up finding a $12/hour job with (what I considered) David Koresch's reincarnate, took its toll. I found a job after 5 months and only kept it for 3 months. I couldn't stand being away from my kids any longer, so I moved back to Indiana.
I was offered a job working with an organization I had worked with before losing my other job nearly one year to the day after being fired. It was a blessing. I've been there since making good money.
Of course, after being out of work for the better part of a year, I couldn't pay my bills, my IRA was nearly depleted, my savings gone, and my mortgage lender was threatening foreclosure. I had been overpaying on my mortgage for so long that I only got "behind" after 9 months, but by then, I couldn't pay the mortgage in Indiana, plus most of the other bills associated with a home - even though my oldest was working (part time) and going to school (college) full time and helping - AND pay my portion of living expenses in Texas.
Needless to say, I was going to lose the home my boys grew up in .. the home I'd had for 15 years. I was devastated. I tried everything I could to stop the process, but at that time, the economy took a big hit and many people weren't able to pay their bills. I was one of many.
Within 2 weeks of getting back to Indiana, but BEFORE I started my new job, my car was repossessed. I found another car for $2000 and was going to sell the rest of my IRA shares, but the check wouldn't come soon enough, so I had to ask my (90+ year old) father for help.
As if I didn't feel bad enough for losing my job, losing my car and in the process of losing my home .. he made me feel like he always has .. like a piece of shit. My mother had died a month into my 21st birthday (1985) and dad was less than supportive .. but he did loan me the money (which I paid back in 2 weeks) and I got the car.
A couple of months into the new job, the car was damaged beyond repair due to a valve (basically) destroying the engine. I found a friend of my brother's who owned a towing service and he had a car he would "sell" me for $100 down. I had horrible credit, so buying a car from a dealership was out of the question. I had no savings, and could barely afford the $100 down, but I did it and paid that car off within 6 months.
I lost my home in 2010 and was humiliated beyond reproach. I felt like a low-life scum bag while sitting in the courtroom .. and swore I'd never let that happen to me again. I was working in finance at the new job and constantly worried that I would lose the job because of the bankruptcy. I still worry about it, 5 years later.
I've since bought a more reliable car, a new home and my credit score is still climbing. I have very little debt, I'm happy to say. I could do much better, though and I'm working on that right now.
That said .. I found out my boyfriend of 3.5 years was MARRIED all that time (and then some) and felt like a fool for ignoring the warning signs that were there all along. When you believe yourself to be a reasonably intelligent woman and you're made to feel like a fool .. it's hard to bounce back. I haven't dated since we broke up 3 years ago.
It bothered me that he wouldn't say WHY he did what he did .. and that ate me up for a while, until I did some investigation into the life he kept so secret. I am not a vindictive person, but I do believe I have the RIGHT to know WHY someone chooses to hurt me .. and I'll do whatever it takes to find out - for my own closure. I found out and I closed that chapter. I would never try to get back at him for something like that, because he's not worth the effort.
A couple years into my job, my youngest was graduating HS and heading to college (on campus an hour away), so I moved to Indianapolis with my oldest son (still in college) and closer to work. Instead of driving 45 min one way, I was driving 5 min. My oldest and I were sharing a vehicle at that time, too, as his car died and we sold it for $300.
I felt guilty for leaving my youngest after graduation. I felt guilty for moving away from him (he stayed with his dad and still calls that home), even though I see him regularly and we have a wonderful relationship. Empty Nest hit me hard.
My oldest had moved back home after a bit of time in Texas himself .. and started back to college to finish his degree .. which he did.
I was used to him not being at home, but not the baby. :*( I'm not going to sugarcoat it .. ENS was a bitch. I was depressed for months and months. Crying at the drop of a hat and becoming this weak, depressed person without much drive or determination. I remember thinking, "what am I going to do now?" and "who am I, if I'm not a mother?" "I'm nothing." I still feel that way sometimes.
Deep down I know I'm more than a mother. Deep down I know I've raised my sons to be respectable, honest, compassionate human beings who contribute to society and aren't impregnating females or doing drugs. I should be happy, right? Wish I were. I'm happy for those accomplishments .. but it doesn't make me feel any better about being alone.
My oldest son graduated and moved to Tennessee and my youngest comes to visit every couple of weeks or so. I still shop with the youngest when he wants clothes (he works and buys them himself) and I still cut his hair (because he's cheap .. lol) and I don't mind. When both of my boys are in town, we go out to eat or I cook at home. I make cookies and other deliciousness and we go to the movies a lot .. just like we did when they were growing up. It's something we all enjoy.
I bought a house in December and it's 3bed/2ba. I realize now that I bought this house in hopes that my boys would remain at home with me forever (like all mom's wish, but don't expect). I'm happy my boys are self-sufficient and no, I don't REALLY want them living off Mommy the rest of their lives .. but I honestly believe subconsciously that I bought this house for them. Now that they aren't here .. it's lonely.
I have a couple of dogs and cats, but it's not the same. I go to work every day, but I feel as if I'm just an angry old woman who complains all the time. I'm surrounded by the youth of America who believe they are "entitled" to a good paying job for doing nothing. That's a gut puncher for someone from my era.
You do an honest day's work for an honest wage. You don't watch videos, text and call your husband/wife/GF/BF all day long because they can't fart without telling someone about it. Ugh. They come to work late, leave early, take extended lunches .. and yet they're set in their job (government, so hard to get rid of them) and I'm a contractor who has to worry every 12 months whether they'll have enough money to fund us another year.
I'm on time every day, give 100% every day, abide by the rules and end up having to pick up the slack from the slackers. It's a slap in the face every single day and it's taking its toll. I'm finding it harder and harder to hold my tongue. I should say that I've been doing this job (off and on) for over 12 years, so I'm well known in the circles .. but I don't want to have a bad attitude at work every day - even when my nose is rubbed in it every day.
So, over the past 5 years I've had a lot of life-altering things happen .. AND I TURNED 50. Ugh. I decided to stop coloring my hair, tanning, wearing fake nails and having to look good from head to toe before walking out to the mailbox .. and it shows.
I've gained 70 lbs, I sit around at my job all day .. then come home and have no desire to be out in public and no friends (single or without a +1) to hang out with. Now my hair is gray and I look about 15 years older than I am. Sometimes I don't shower or wash my hair on the weekends. Sometimes I don't even get dressed or go outside at all. I just lay on the couch, eat and watch TV. I'm 5'9" and 230 lbs.
I have a friend who lives in Illinois that I've known since we were 6 years old. She's had her own problems throughout life. One in particular is picking the wrong kinds of men. Now, she's found religion after marrying a murderer who just got out of prison a couple years ago. He's innocent though - just like all those guys from Shawshank Redemption.
She had gastric bypass sleeve procedure 2 years ago this coming December and has only lost about 25 lbs, because she's a closet eater. A sneaker. All of this is HER problem, but I give you her background for a reason.
This past week, I was feeling particularly down on myself and decided to get my hair cut in hopes that would lift my spirits. When you have gray hair and you're overweight .. the LAST thing you need is short hair .. but that's what I got. It looked awful and I told my friend about it. She asked for a photo. I sent one and included a photo of the haircut I wanted. She let me have it.
She told me that I looked like an "old tired lesbian" (I'm not a lesbian) and that I have "let myself go" (true) and I have no pride in myself anymore (I was the pretty one throughout out friendship), and that I need to stop wearing the same clothes 2-3 days in a row even if they "don't stink" (no idea where that one came from, but I don't .. other than weekends sometimes and she isn't here to see or smell me).
I was devastated. When I needed a little compassion and understanding .. I got assault and cruelty. It should be noted that she got married to the murderer in May and didn't ask her BFF of 45 years to be her MOH .. then acted like I shouldn't come to the wedding in Illinois if "I couldn't afford it" (which I couldn't, but I was making arrangements to go with my sister and split the cost). I ended up not going and she was pretty pissed off. I told her to stop sending mixed signals.
I told my friend that after the email I realized why I wasn't first choice for MOH - she didn't want an "old tired lesbian" in the photo - which she denied. She also said people think I'm her mom. Wow. Sorry, but she doesn't look THAT good and I don't look THAT bad .. but whatever.
She said I ask for the truth (I didn't ask for it this time, she asked for the photo) and then I don't like (or want to hear) the answer. Possibly true. I certainly didn't expect a response like that from a friend I've known so many years. I would never say those things to her .. no matter what.
I've been crying every day the past few days and I know there's a problem, but I don't have the motivation to start fixing it. I'm not talking to my friend right now because I'm not sure why she thinks what she said was helpful in any way.
It should be noted that she takes anti-depressants (and has for 10 years or more) - so do all of my sisters (there are 6 of them). I've never been on them because I've always taken pride in being able to work through my problems without drugs. I believe our bodies have the natural ability to heal itself. Sure, I've "lost control" a couple of times and once (20 years ago) even took half a Zoloft my sister gave me, which helped .. and scared me at the same time. I don't want to be dependent on drugs of any kind. I don't even take a multi-vitamin!
Plus, I've noticed that my sisters are nearly emotionless. I spoke to one of them when the ENS started and she was like a wax figure. She was sympathetic in her speech, but devoid of any emotion in her face. I don't want to be like that. My sisters have been taking anti-d's for 20-40 years. Sad, isn't it?
At my age, it's getting harder and harder to work through things myself .. especially with no support from my family. I live in Indy, they all live an hour away. Yes, there's a phone, but I'm not close to all of them .. only a couple. The wax figure and the oldest one - who just moved back to Texas this week. She's taking care of her grandkids, so I hate to bother her with my problems .. but she's always there to listen.
I wonder if I need to seek therapy for help in dealing with the person I've become or am becoming. Therapy is SO EXPENSIVE, but I know it would help. I want to lose weight, but I'll need to fix the inside before I can start on the outside.
Thoughts? Advice? Recommended therapists in Indianapolis who don't charge $150/hour? I'll welcome any advice, comment or truth.
I'm not afraid of the truth, I just don't appreciate being called names. CAVEAT - if there are any females in Indianapolis who read this and want a walking/bike riding partner, please contact me .. I'd love to have some new, local friends.Thanks for letting me get this all out. I feel a lot better, but I need to feel 100% again.