Not sure where to start.

[lonelyonetheinside]

I'm 20 years old with the world at my finger tips. i wake up happy and loving life and everyone in it, then as the day goes on i grow weak, sad and just want to be alone and go to bed by 6pm even becoming angry and upset when i am ask about my day or even just asked to engaged in conversation. if i don't go out with friends before it starts to get dark than i wont go anywhere at all, i cancel plans all the time because i just don't feel like going. I just recently took the step to move in my my boyfriend, a man that i have loved for 3 years now, and i really wouldn't have noticed this if it wasn't for him, i would just think its normal, and witch it is "my" normal, but not a healthy normal. iv been this way for as long as i can remember. After doing research i know something is wrong, im just not sure what. Im also attempting to deal with past abuse that i have locked away tight for so many years, witch is causing more stress at times, but as i said this has been going on for years before i started bringing up the past. first i thought i was just depressed, but why would someone who is just depressed wake up so happy and loving life? I get so angry over things that shouldn't mater and i get defensive over such stupid things. i even think about suicide over and over sometimes over such stupid things, and then the next second ill be asking myself why i would ever want to die, that life is so beautiful. I don't want to push him away and i cant keep lashing out at him like a crazy person, so that's why i'm here... looking for answers that may never come i suppose. one second ill have dreams and ideas and plans for my future and then the next ill ask myself why bother and just want take a nap. i want to feel motivated, i want to start college after saying i will for so long, i want to take a stupid yoga class just because, i want to feel like going hiking. if anyone else has ever/still does feel this way id love to hear from you, i want help before i mess this up