I look back at my life and I see some signs of depression thru my entire adult life, but only now am beginning to connect the dots. I've always felt like a fraud, I'm not smart enough, strong enough, a bad father, a crappy husband.
You know that feeling that you have right before you break down and cry? That choked up, can't breathe feeling? Well, I have that EVERY SECOND THAT IM AWAKE. I wake up with it, I carry it around all day long, I go so sleep with it. All day, every day, I'm about a minute from crying at all times.
I was accused of many things by my wife, she accused me of cheating in her, having children before her, during the marriage, etc... I only have 1 kid, and he is hers. I even offered to pay for any paternity test, no questions asked, she said I would fake it to prove my point. I can't win with her, that's why I finally left her. By the way these accusations went on DAILY for about ten years. I stayed for my son, but now I have to move on.
I finally got the courage to leave her when I met someone who actually appreciated me for ME. A week after meeting this other woman, I left my wife. There was never any overlap physically, or emotionally for that matter, the marriage was done long ago. Its funny, but I never cheated on my wife until I left her and filed for divorce.
And now, that wonderful woman that gave me the courage to move on, after several months of forced separation (its complicated, but her husband that she left, blackmailed her to moving back in to make it look like she's trying, her parents hate her, her husband emotionally abuses her, etc...) , says I need to be strong by myself first before adding her. I get it, but right now, she's the only reason I have the will to breathe. Right now, she is my life.
The possibility that she's decided to stay with him makes my chest tighten up and I can't breathe. Its even worse than having the crappy marriage, showing me real love, then taking it away.
Dumbest man on earth.
