Newbie

[MapleLeaf013]

Hello Everyone,

I finally decided I would try an online support group. I have had Major Depressive Disorder since I was a child. I have had my handful of therapists, hospital visits (suicide attempts, self harm, etc), and antidepressants. My MDD is strongly genetic; mother, brothers, grandparents and so on. I survived sexual assault and some abusive relationships but I still have episodes, anxiety problems, and irrational fears. I particularly do not like stairs. I was raised to think mental illness was the inability to cope with emotional stress. Having a strong family history of Depression I sought therapy to personally develop coping mechanisms. I am also a neuroscientist, makes sense right? haha. I know now that depression is more than faulty cognitive management but a combination of chemicals, circuit relay, and personality.

So why am I here? I know what depression is and I often feel powerless over my own depression. Anti-depressants are sporadic with me and I have had enough psychotic episodes on them to loathe them. Also, I know how sketchy the research and treatment methodology is. I have done the behavioral therapy, read the books, made many life changes but I still am depressed. There is a dark void in me that periodically and at times randomly swallows me up into a dark spiral. I try to not be negative but I automatically am.

Currently, I am unemployed and am living in horrible conditions. I have had zero luck finding work and my health has deteriorated. I also have IBS-C and a compulsion to pick my fingers and toes and scratch my scalp to painful proportions. I have felt so trapped and drained I literally am fatigued and bed ridden with headaches for days at a time. It has been so hard to get out of bed lately and to appreciate the wonders around me. I cry a lot, sleep even more, pity party to mix things up, then beat myself down more and more for my lack of strength to fight all the lies in my mind. My friends all moved away and my partner is starting school soon leaving me with no one to talk to. Most of the people I know have no clue about Depression and simply avoid me for being negative. Even my partner gets frustrated and confused, afraid for me and lost on how to help.

Summary: I need to make friends and find more ways to cope with my Depression. [/size][/size][/color]

[Frame]

Welcome Maple;

I think this forum can be a tool in your box of coping skills.
How old are? What's your level of education? Have you found it difficult to maintain a 9 to 5 type job?

[MapleLeaf013]

Welcome Maple;

I think this forum can be a tool in your box of coping skills.
How old are? What's your level of education? Have you found it difficult to maintain a 9 to 5 type job?

Hello Frame, I am 23 with a BS in neuroscience. I am the working sort, I like having work to do to not dwell and rummage. When my health is good I can do amazing work loads, more than 9 to 5, but then when I enter depression or my health falters my abilities stop, I stop, and it can take weeks to recover. On my better days I try to maintain hobbies but I often feel caught in the extremes of overworking then utter exhaustion. I used to exercise, have videogames, and do yoga but due to income one by one I lost them. It sucks to buy games on humblebundle then have your motherboard die.

[Frame]

I'm 52 and need to work also, like a shark needs to swim. I use different parts of my brain to exhaustion and then find I'm useless in certain parts of my life. At least that's one explanation. Another is that for some reason (chemistry, stress, season, barometric pressure) certain parts of my brain are inaccessible: and so I overwork other parts. But to not think, to not always be working on some puzzle of humanity makes me crazy. So I surround my self with things to keep my mind busy.

Somehow I feel that gives me license to surround myself with things I like or want to do rather than thing I should or need to do. Which of course leads to trouble.