How will I survive another 4 months of this?

[SilentWaters]

I hate my life so much today. Work is hell. I'm just so freakin angry at everyone around me. I wished they'd all die. And I meant it.

I know I've been here before and I know I'll get through it and it'll be better. It always gets better. But right now I'm right in the middle of an episode and I'm out of my mind. Being at work is a big trigger and it always has been. I know that.

I have things in place to defend me from this and I manage ok... but nothing helps when I'm at work.

But I have to work. I'm not allowing myself to quit my job yet, I'll need the money for college next year. And I'm not allowing myself to hurt myself, I don't really want to, I have too many plans for the future to give up now.

How am I suposed to survive the next 4 months? That's like 120 days. Which is about 2160 waking hours... which is an insame amount of minutes. And that's if I decide to leave mid-December instead of mid-January. Usually if it gets this bad I just quit my job and find another. Finding a job isn't too much of a problem. HAVING a job is what kills me.

But this time I CAN'T quit... unless I don't make it into college, then I can quit and find another job and do this all over again and again and again. Argh!!! I hate myself!

...and now I'm thinking in very negative circles, chasing my tail. Lord why am I so messed up???

[Frame]

I think it's because you care. Certainly part of it is because you feel. Not every body does. I know it hurts, but it's still probably better that you do. Your destined for better things, don't ask; I wish I could tell you, but I don't know.