Do I just Stop Making Plans?

[fat_cole]

Before my major depression set in, I was the ultra overachiever type. I always made plans years in advance and followed through with them in short order fashion, my guide through life. Just as I was taught in goal planning early in life: make long term goals, make short term goals that help achieve your long term goals, and then make near term goals that help you achieve your short term goals. I followed through with this mantra and it got me pretty damn far in life. Then major depression, I still do this kind of planning in my head incessantly, but I am unable to achieve my near term goals in life anymore and it's driving me insane, it also fuels my depression even more so.

I go through ECT, continue to take my meds, and I'm fine for a while, but the time period of wellness is unpredictable. It may last for three months, or like now, it's lasted less than a month. Though the length of the wellness period varies, the behavior as I slip back into depression does not. First, my sleep cycle begins to be interrupted and I begin to shift from being awake during the day to being awake at night. In the past I have tried different sleeping medications to try and get myself back into a regular sleep pattern, but none of them have worked. The next phase involves closing myself off from people around me. I get to a certain point where I won't even leave the house except in the very late hours to go to the 24 hour store to get food to quell my, now intense, anxiety. Then I stop bathing, or even feel the need to bathe or wear clean clothes. My thought processes slow down dramatically and I can't put together complete thoughts. Then I won't be able to get out of bed, or even feel the need to get out of bed. The house could be on fire, or there could be a machete wielding home invasion scenario, I wouldn't be able to put together the strength and energy to get out of bed. Eventually, I get to a point where I will actually stop breathing in my sleep. It feels like too much work, so I simply quit doing it. None of this is an active thought process, it feels like it all happens subconsciously and I have no power over it at all.

I'm hoping to be able to get into the local clinic here, they have a new TMS machine. I have heard that some people go into complete remission of their depression after the treatment period with the occasional maintenance treatments. It sounds a lot better than ECT, you don't have to be put under and be out of commission for an entire day with a few days afterwords of trying to gather yourself back together. It would also be nice to not rip out my IV when I have an adverse reaction while under anesthesia immediately following my ECT session.

So what is your depression like? Have you tried TMS?

[4EverMe]

Hi Fat_Cole,
Welcome to this site!
First off, i wanted to ask you what ECT and TMS stand for? Im unfamiliar with those.
Second, do you think what youre going thru is your body's way of saying" Slow down. You need a break?" (because you mentioned that youd always been an over achiever...
I dont know how this could contribute to the depression and intense anxiety though, or if they even correlate at all. Could be totally separate. I go through both of these too. Its TERRIBLE! You are NOT alone! I also go through a high degree of agoraphobia. Seems as though you experience the same. Problems with the hygeine...and even carrying? Same here...Its when you know you have hit rock-bottom!! Ugh! Im sorry....
Keep writing. If you want to know more about my story, click on Alone, Angry, Hurt You'll see similarities!

[fat_cole]

TMS = Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (search YouTube for "Dr OZ TMS")
ECT = Electroconvulsive Therapy