im trying.

[_Ihatethislife/:]

well im really trying again.. but its just so hard to pretend that you have everything planned and that you know what you're doing when deep down you're super confused & scared.. i have to keep that inside because my boyfriend just wants me to be happy, so i'll pretend.. the only person who really understands me & has been there for me without judging me is my bestfriend, yes i know i should trust my boyfriend more but im scared. he says hes proud of me because of what im doing and how im asking for help.. but honestly i just want to keep on self harming, i want to self harm and not tell him or anybody about it anymore.. i just want to disappear. i dont belong here, im pretending that im strong, knowing im the weakest person around. i need help, but im tired every night i cry, i hold my teddy bear and just cry & tell him everything. im always in my little corner. im scared to go to school /: i just want to keep self harming, i say that im going to continue to write in my journal or color, go outside or whatever but no. lately all i do is cry, cry & cry.. it sucks because i wish i was stronger. my aunt told me that i have no reason to be depressed that i have everything. but i didnt choose to feel this way. i really didnt /: i wish i could change and be happy.. my mom told me that i wont ever be stronger than the voices because they always beat me .. that just makes me feel worst. i have been asking for help, even though im not so sure if thats what i want anymore. i know this is process is going to take time, but i wish it could just stop. i wish i could just be happy again!