Halting the Cycles of Depression

[nenkohai]

I am also a member of a Buddhist forum in which I posted the following. So, follows is my story as lensed through the Buddhist context (vice the depression context). If you have questions, please ask via message/email here.

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Probably a familiar story you've heard from other folks. I landed (if you will) in Buddhism owing to desperately wanting to break out of the samsara of depression. Last summer (2012) I made some very unskillful decisions and actions that lead myself and other people whom I love through massive suffering. I would even characterize it as "hell."

Having dealt with and (only sometimes successfully) managed depression through my entire adult life (I am 49), when I made this unskilled decision, my emotional and spiritual self imploded.

My spiritual life up to this point aside, the only thing I knew was that this HAD to stop. This cycle of pain within me must end because it affects everyone I come into contact with. I was polluted. And I was spewing pollution on to others.

Up to then, my spiritual-self had always been a work in progress. I was raised Christian in a United Methodist Church and believed myself "born again." Passed through a phase of religious conservative thought and then began to find massive disconnects within Christian doctrine versus the concepts of Love... which has lead me down a path of believing that the Bible has been manipulated in some fashion... which lead me to explore Islam. I then looked at Islamic Sufism; then the Sufism International group. Which then lead me to a time of non-identifying with any spiritual group.

Then I started taking classes in taiko drumming for the fun of it. Taiko is used in some Shinto and Buddhist ritual... which I explored. It became a fascination. Impermanence was exemplified in taiko...

Then my implosion.

Under the care of three separate therapists... journaling my heart out... praying... crying. Lots of crying. I only really knew that this shit MUST stop.

Then I hit into Noah Levine's talks on the internet. His lecture on the USC campus gave me great pause. Oh yea, man, I know suffering. What? "Happiness is NOT a birthright?" What, what, what... how... why... so I read read read, reintroduce myself to a meditation practice (having taken a class years ago), dharma... forgiveness... analysing habitual responses... retraining... retraining... and ALL that continues today, of course.

What Christianity (or any form of Sufism) was unable to give me - a specific path to reducing and even ending my suffering - Buddhism has as a central tenant. Then, whats more? Liberate yourself... then go liberate others! Loving kindness to every living thing.

This is what I know - what works for me. Meanwhile, my dharma-practice grows. I'm interested in finding a physical sangha.

That's my story, pretty much. I'm sticking by it :)

Peace to you all

[Dibs]

Hi there. I really enjoyed your story. I have a story that shares some similarities with yours, as well as differences. I too was raised in a christian faith, and I was very devoted to it for many years. I have since abandoned that faith, and have been going through an interesting roller-coaster ride of trying to sort out my belief system ever since.

About 4 years ago I discovered mindfulness, which I know has its roots in buddhist teachings. I have read a couple of books on the subject, including one by Thich Nhat Hanh. I don't think I'm going to become buddhist, but like you I discovered the profound effect that those techniques have on depression.

I've had depression for 10 years or so, and I continue to fight with it every day. Mindfulness has helped, but I find myself continually pulled down into the abyss of depression very often still. So I am wondering. How have you applied mindfulness or other buddhist techniques to improve your mental health?

[nenkohai]

Hi Dibs,

Right on, man.

I should have stated out front that my Buddhist approach to depression does not rid me of depression. I still struggle. Its my approach to the struggle that has changed.

Before I go further, I want to say, this approach to depression, for me, has been at least as good as any medication Ive been on or tried.

Okay, what I describe here is my experience and may not work well for you or anyone... but...

I do apply mindfulness... to my mind and my thoughts - how they originate and where they want to go. But, my mind is at best, a creature of habit (if you will); at worst it can be a jerk (sometimes).

For me, depression kind of blooms in my mind. Its a yucky "thing." And my habit is to assign this thing to a track of thought (thereby creating a train that invariably feeds the depression itself). It is, for all intents and purposes, an effect looking for a cause.

So my mind is rather frantic in trying to find just why the hell I'm getting depressed. My mind spews on things like: "oh, thats right, I'm just a bad person" or "I can't love correctly," or "I really screwed up X, Y or Z... ." That list is endless. And my mind can make shit up so I can assign this new bloom of depression to it. And its moving a warp-speed the whole time.

Using mindfulness, I recognize this ugly bloom in my mind. And I know what it wants. It WANTS to get on the track and be the train, because that is what it has done for years and years. The track is SO well worn and familiar. Its just so....damn.....easy to put the bloom on the track and send it on its way. Easy. So easy. And its habitual.

Breaking bad habits are a bitch. BUT, when you are cognizant of what you're working towards, its not so SO bad...

I call the following process in me "mercy," because I am allowing myself mercy. Mercy, because I know allowing the bloom to "track" will put me in a bad place...

Okay, so a bloom arises. My first reaction is "shit, here we go again!"

But then, I gently say to myself, "wait." And for me, that frantic mind track-searching goes into extreme slow-motion, because, I can "see" the bloom. I know it is there, in my mind. By saying to the bloom, "I see you," I've begun to disarm it.

My internal dialog goes something like: "I see you. And I know what you want. You want to get on that track and go find as many causes as you can. I'm not going to let you do that, because I know where this otherwise gets me. I won't allow it."

So, the bloom is there. And it stays put. No tracking. I said "no."

Ahhh. but what to do with the bloom, right?

Mindfulness. And compassion. Greet this pain with compassion for yourself... "you may move along now," is what I tell the now neutered bloom. And in my mind's eye, I allow it to "tumbleweed" down the road. And out of sight.

Now, this may not mean that the depressive bloom has just evaporated at this point. But, it will, as long as I do not allow it onto a track. If I isolate it as an event unto itself, with no thought object cause, it will evaporate eventually. Minutes, maybe hours. But it will evaporate.

Okay, whew. Long process there!! I hope... so hope this makes some sense, Dibs. I hope so.

and just to say again - this stuff is what works for me. I'm not a doc or a guru or a teacher... it just helps my situation.

Best,

NK