Ramblings.

[jj]

I hate the word can't, but I use it so much in my self talk and in my thoughts.
I just need to get back my belief in myself. But I'm not sure how to cos I really don't believe in myself at all.

I had a few months from like I'd say January to mid march when I felt I could, and I believed in myself and for the first time in a long time things were smooth, stable, and most importantly consistent. But the past couple of months it's just deteriorated, I'm not sure how or why. But I don't know how to get it back. How do you just, believe in yourself.

I need to be stronger but I feel so weak, I rely so much on other people to push me and encourage me and when I feel that's not there I crumble, and I need to be more self reliant again but I don't know how. I feel like most of the issues I face now are not about understanding, or being aware, it's that I lack the knowledge of how, practically, to overcome these things. I can talk about feelings and thoughts but I need action, and I just don't know how to do these things

I just feel lost, afraid, and small. I have a fire inside of me and I know it's there and I can be all the things I want to be, I am capable... But I'm not... I feel lonely but I'm not. I feel uncapable but i am.

Maybe I need to get out of my head a bit, but I feel my head is what I need to get in order. And maybe it's being out of my head and not paying attention to my internal affairs that has caused me to get to this place.

I'm trying to be reflective and constructive but there is so much confusion and conflicting thoughts. And doubt there is so much doubt.

I want to be the person I know I can be but something is always stopping me and holding me back. Why are we afraid to shine?

I have a great sadness in my soul today and I'm trying to be kind to it and get on with the things I need to but it feels so heavy and full. My mind is telling me it's just a feeling and it's slanting all my thoughts, which is probably true...

A mother doesn't want to have to hear her child says she feels lonely. Loneliness is such a shameful emotion to feel for me. Vulnerability is difficult for me to handle.

That's enough for now.

jj

[hollyann]

((((((((jj)))))))) My heart goes out to you. And I'm sorry you are having such problems. Just when you catch yourself thinking I can't, remember to think you can. Positive self talk can go a long ways. If you need to put sticky notes in several places, with the words I can do this. I will do this. I have worth. etc. It can really help.

hollyann