When Is This Going To End?

[36lost13]

I have been living with my depression since I was 5 years old. I am just sick of all the doctors and therapists telling me I have a bright future, "so much potential", and that things will get better. For 16 years now it has gotten anything but better. My biggest accomplishment was barely making it to my high school graduation. I've never had a relationship with anyone. All of my friends ditched me after my depression got really bad 3 years ago and I leaned on them for support too much I guess. The longest I've been able to hold a job in the past 3 years in 3 months and I'm at that spot again with my current job and my depression and anxiety are nearly incapacitating. Yet I somehow have to figure out how to get to work without thinking of ways to die and to not cry on the shift (I hate crying I think it's weak but I can't stop doing it). My managers don't get it at all, although one of them tries. It's like Jekyll and Hyde with them and I don't know how to approach that when I need to tell them my depression and/or anxiety is too bad I can't come in or I need to leave early. I often end up getting chewed out for not knowing sooner that this was going to happen. I just feel like I'm dying on the inside and don't know what to do. People tell me I'm doing the right things but they don't seem to be to me since I'm still miserable. Basically, I've come to the realization that I am going to die young and it will be by my own doing. I don't know when that it but most likely sooner than later. It does scare me but I feel like I have no other options. I just started seeing a therapist again but she's impossible to get ahold of anytime that isn't my appointment time. My nurse practitioner is only available at certain times and seems very reluctant to change my meds. I just started this thing called DBT but I feel like I'm so far gone that it won't help me. I'm just too much of a screw up and lazy bum who needs to get over my "mental illnesses". I'm starting to ramble but I'm at a total loss here. I'm so alone, dark, and afraid.

[karolanne]

Hello 36lost13,

I was exactly at the same as you at some point in my life. I did my first suicidal attempt I was 7 years old. Like you, I thought that I will die young because once, I won't miss my suicide.

Let me tell you there is hope. I'm now 40 years old and still alive. And now I know I won't commit the act.

For the first time of my life, I have a job that last more than 3 months. It's been 7 years I have the same job! But I struggled a lot to get there.

But I won't lie to you, I still have those suicidal thoughs in background in my mind every single day. But I have learned, in therapy, to manage them and live with it. Some days are more bad than others. In the bad days, I don't hesitate to come on the forum or if I get the chance to go to the chatroom. The chatroom is very helping for me. I strongly suggest you to try it.

For your job, the tip I can give you is the same that my theparist gave me : find a job in where you know people will understand your issues like place where they help people that have mental issues, or live in the street, free medical clinic... In those place, you'll find for sure a compassionnate supervisor.

What helps me the most in my life is to have a good doctor and that I finally found a good psychiatrist. Oh, it took me years to find her, but I now have her. So, now, I have a good medication that works very good on me.

Therapy is very important too. And here too, it may take few tentative before finding the right therapist for you. If you feel it doesn't go as you would like with your therapist, talk to him about trying another one.

And come to our chat.

Take care.