Depressed about my past

[girl24651]

PLEASE READ, I NEED HELP! (I have posted this elsewhere but i'm trying to get lots of insight).

I am suffering from depression for a secret I have kept, and I can't seem to cope with it. It is embarassing but I need help. I also post this here because i've been told I may be suffering from depression or anxiety.

Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was very sexual. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing his 'lower half' against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) I was already aware of my sexuality and what sex was so I don't think this was childhood curiousity. About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! This incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as others have thought this has been the root cause of my issue.

First of all, was rubbing it against my groin the way I did considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. A couple therapists I have talked to said that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset, and still unable to fully believe them. My BIGGEST concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting and weird person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a young girl. But is 12 even considered a child? Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??)

[Silver]

Hello. First off, I'd like to commend you for gathering the courage to post this and reach out for answers. It's tough to share secrets sometimes, and I know you aren't the first user here to share secrets (myself included).

To start, I want to assure you that what you described was not sex, since that seems to be your biggest concern. It does sound like an atypical way to masturbate, and as long as there was no penetration or sexual response from the other then it is not considered sex. No worries.

Despite the stigma that surrounds sex and masturbation, it is a normal activity, so there is no need to feel ashamed if you partake in such activities. We do these things because it satisfies a natural need, something programmed into us. It may be embarrassing, no doubt, but do know that you aren't alone in having this urge. Another thing to consider is that you were young, and when young, we tend to do some pretty strange stuff sometimes. But we grow out of that.

I myself have some painful memories which relate to sex, so I know it could be difficult to overcome. What I resorted to was simply to accept that what happened, did happen, and I can't change it. But at the same time, I won't let it change me unless I want it to. That one moment does not define who you are, and I am confident you can move past it. Good luck to you. *hug*