I think I need to vent.

[Bluepanda]

Hi. This is a really silly, pathetic vent about what has been going on lately that has made me into an emotional twit.

Basically, my home town that I currently live in is in Adelaide, Australia. For the past two weeks, I've been on vacation here in Seoul, South Korea, to visit a long time friend and have a vacation because I really needed to get away from my life back home.

I met this girl here at the hostel i'm currently staying at. We clicked straight away and became friends. I'm bisexual. I hardly ever tell anyone that because people like to judge. So. I've started to have a baby crush on her. It's not gonna lead anywhere because I have no idea if she swings that way and I don't wanna tell her that I'm bi because it makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

Anyway, I introduced her to my friend, who is a guy. He knows about my baby crush on her. I found out on Sunday that they had a first date. Which confused me and rather annoyed me because they both told me that they weren't interested in each other. So I took it out on her. Sort of. When she told me, I sort of went quiet and read the magazine she gave me. And she wanted my opinion and I just coldy said 'If you wanna date him, date him. If you don't, then don't. Its simple. I dont understand why you're making this difficult.' It was a bitch move, I know. But for some reason my heart sank and everything started to hurt.

She works at the hostel and some guests wanted to talk to her. So I slipped away back into my room. I sat down on my bed and cried. I cried a lot. I don't even know why I was crying. I know that her and I aren't going to be a couple or even going to date or whatever. My friend and i are JUST friends. But I was so mad at them. And then just made me angry at myself because I cared too much about everything.

And then I started to get more upset because I realised that I'm still really lonely. Back home I have no friends. I don't date and I'm rather unhappy at work and with my life. So I got upset knowing I have to go back to my life I dislike greatly, and back to being lonely, or even, knowing I'm still really lonely. I think I just got jealous of my friend getting who ever he wants, and I get stuck with all the crazy nut jobs that just want me to be their 'cuddle' buddy.

And yesterday (monday), I slept in my room all day, I went out for a bit. And then the girl at the hostel, she thought I was mad at her. Which, I guess I was, but I wasn't as well. And so I went and had dinner with her and she was happy that I wasn't mad. We hung out, but I faked being happy. Because I was still really emotional and unhappy. And now it's 4.30 in the morning and I can't sleep because all I keep thinking is how I don't want to go back to my life. How I'm sick of being lonely. How I'm sick of having all the stupid men interested in me. How i'm not happy with myself.

And when I get like this, I get like.. Stupid thoughts about hurting myself. When I was younger, I used to self harm. The only self harming I do now, is just smoke cigarettes. But the thoughts of the things I used to do are running through my head, and I can't sleep. I can't stop from crying.

I just feel like, I shouldn't have come here. Like, I was happy for the first two weeks, but now that it's in my third week, i'm back to being unhappy. I feel like, I shouldn't be happy, that i'm not allowed to be happy. That being miserable and lonely is the only way my life is supposed to be, because i'm scared of having people in my life because I'm so emotionally retarded that I get hurt over stupid things like this.

I tried talking to my friend about it, but he just told me to go home if that's what I wanted. He said he'd support my decision to go home early, he'd miss me but if it'd make me feel better, I should go. And that made me feel worse, like.. I was a bother and he didn't want me around.

I just don't know what to do. I leave on Saturday (its currently Tuesday) and I still feel miserable and I'm just feeling worse. Maybe I should just keep myself busy, but the thought of going home upsets me, but being miserable just wants me to go home. Its a conflict that I don't know how to solve and its making me feel worse.