Finally Broke

[crystalgaze]

It has been a few days now, where I can't keep myself from crying and being upset. I'm trying really hard to manage it (because I do not want to make myself even sicker than I already am).

The cause of this meltdown has been my parents & my brother. Basically, what has happened is that I have "gotten beaten from all sides". It is starting to appear that no one really has my back. It is a painful realization. I wish I could say I was wrong, but I don't think I am.

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Here's what's been happening:

1. My mother has a very nonchalant attitude toward me. She chooses her friends & whomever becomes her "adopted daughter" over me.

2. My father has been supporting my irresponsible brother & his bad ways for the majority of my life. I have had to make many sacrifices because of him. Mind you, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS WRONG WITH MY BROTHER. He has not been ill, like I have been or anything; he's just rotten.

3. From his behavior, he does not seem to give two hoots about us--us being me or our parents.

4. People outside of my family don't tend to have my back.

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The problem?

Having almost no haven & no support from anyone.

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The ultimate trigger that caused this:

1. My brother's girlfriend is pregnant & will have the baby in a few months.

As far as I'm concerned, the two of them deserve each other; they are both irresponsible. Her problem is that she has low self-esteem & her family is rotten to her. His problem is that he can't support that child, her and himself.

He's been with that woman for SO many years & he hasn't married her yet. As much as she has done for him to try to help him, he had the NERVE to say he can't marry her. My problem with that as a woman myself is that if she is good enough to sleep with and now make a baby with, she should be good enough to marry.

The thing is: She doesn't know he said that about her (& I'm not going to be the one to burst her bubble).

If that isn't bad enough, my brother was secretive about the whole thing but had been hitting my father up for extra money per month ALL this time.

All I can say is thank goodness I am not in that situation & I hope I never get in that situation, although it is rather easy to happen.

I would have been happy, if he could fend for himself properly. The reason it bothers me so is I know exactly how this is going to play out all now. You see, my mother has fallen into the trap already. She is also gloating over the fact that she will have "her 1st grandchild".

My mom went to visit my uncle & saw my brother's girlfriend. What she saw was so bad that my mother--who has always found it hard to stick her hands in her pocket for me--went & bought the girl some shoes & clothes. According to her, the girl looked like a homeless person on the street.

Mind you, this is the same woman that my mother DID NOT LIKE when they first met.

Now that the grandchild is in the picture, my parents are going to continue throwing money behind my brother "for the sake of the child". I can see it coming.


2. My father has supported my brother for 18 years now. This has been a problem because my parents had 2 children but their actions have made it seem like they only had 1.

If I had to count all the money they have thrown behind my brother for stupidity, it would be an easy $200,000 or $300,000 (or maybe even more than that) over an 18-year span, and all of us, me especially, has suffered immensely for it.

We are living in a house that needs to paint & it can't be done "because of money issues". Well, just WHOSE fault is that?

I have been ill for the last 5 or so years, & they sat there, allowing me suffer.

When I said that I felt that if I moved away my health would improve, they told me no & that the times were hard. They rarely have ever told my good-for-nothing brother NO.

When my turn came up to go to college, I was so glad I managed to get a scholarship because I didn't even know if there were anything left over for me. Now that I think back on it, my parents even fussed when they sent me money for toiletries when I was in college.

Just before I got sick, I had even received a fellowship for grad school to help to pay for at least half of the expenses.

It has been one thing after the other. There are other instances I could list, but the bottom line is that they have always found a way to tell me NO versus telling it to him.

I would have been an accomplished pianist by now, had they only granted my request 10+ years ago when I asked for a full-length keyboard on which to practice. Then when I quit it, due to not having the proper tools/equipment, THEY WERE ACTUALLY MAD AT ME.

Do you see the irony of this picture?
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My request:

1. That my father stop throwing money behind my brother.

The reason? It's unhealthy for all of us. Also, my brother will not learn responsibility some way or the other, if he always has his parents to bail him out every time.

Indeed I confronted my father about it & what further incensed me was when he said I shouldn't feel a way! That they never denied me...... SAY WHAT?! How am I supposed to feel after he's preached to me my whole life & not practiced what he preached?!

(The great message to me was "not shacking up" with a man and then my father paid rent for an apartment my brother & his girlfriend lived in for MANY YEARS.

I was not upset because I wanted him to pay for me & some man to live together. I only have been as furious as I have been because IT WAS PLAIN WRONG FOR MY FATHER TO DO, ESPECIALLY SINCE MY BROTHER HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT IRRESPONSIBLE. My brother wasn't working, going to school, nothing when the support came, & it's not because he couldn't find a job!!

I blame my father for supporting this crap while I suffer, while all of us suffered. I blame my brother for being a poor human being--poor in character, etc. That part is not my parent's fault because that is NOT how they reared us. My mother has a part in all of this as well because she covers for him & pretends like anything my brother has done wasn't actually as bad as it has been.

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Solution?

1. Get away from my parents as quickly as possible.

If necessary, I will even stop talking to them once I leave from her or out of the house.

I'm really hoping my health will improve and hang in there long enough so I can get myself to a doctor later after I have a good job with insurance!


Well, it's time for me to do my best! Here's to the past staying in the past & a wonderful new year!