but i do...

[accidentalaccident]

ive been struggling with depression for a few years now. i self-injure and i have permantent scarring from bruises. i put myself in dangerous situations. i can't tell you how many times i almost caused accidents that, had they happened, would have killed me. i wasnt suicidal. at least i dont think i was. i think i had a death wish. i used to dream about dying, and seeing what everyones reactions are, seeing what happens after im gone. it was so tempting. i never told anyone. [some content removed- graphic]

i always had a bunch of friends, i was part of a large group in high school of friends that always hung out and got along great. all of us were normal kids, brought together by the school's chorus and musical programs. i was on prom court, and i was friends with practically everyone at school. i have a loving and providing family and boyfriend who cares about me very much.

as of this fall, i attend school at a large university where it is "impossible to NOT make friends." well. it seems that ive single handedly turned that into a lie. i used to be an extremely outgoing person, surrounded by a group of friends. now i dont know where i belong. i look at pictures of friends at different schools to see all of the friends they're making, and they look at mine and all they can see are pictures of me and my dog from home. my birthday was last week, and i went to class, visited my sister, and fell asleep at 8:00, on a friday night at one of the biggest party schools in the country. i havent made any friends, and all i want to do is go home so i can drive again. i hate that i dont have a car up here to drive around. i dont want to, but i keep envisioning going back home, getting in a car, pulling out of a side road and being slammed by another car. i dont want to picture this. i dont want to feel this way. but i do...