Looking for a friend to listen.

[Emily.Elaine68]

I guess I don't seem like your "typical" depressed person. No one beats me, I have parents who love me, I'm always smiling and putting others before myself, I have nice things and a nice life. But dear God, I'm so lonely. I know the main blame revolves around a boy who makes me feel like less than myself. I left my life long friends behind to go to school away from home and have had trouble making new ones in a new city. I've lived there for two years now and have let people in and made new "best friends," but they all seem to walk all over me and take advantage of me. Everything is about them. No one ever asks me how I feel. I tried to live with people and it just made everything worse. I had to move into a one-bedroom apartment by myself to start my third year of college because that's how horrible I felt around my so-called "friends." But unfortunately I sit alone all day long and just think and cry. I lost my car because of the previously mentioned boy. I would spend hours of driving and hundreds of dollars in gas money to visit him daily. I disobeyed my parents to be with him, even though he's cheated on me, I think he's cheating on me now, he treats me in no way like a princess, and I really feel like he hates it when I just breathe. I'm apologizing for every move I make. I would like a new boyfriend that would put a smile on my face. If I went through a break up right now it would just make everything SO much worse. Breaking up after five years and four months would almost feel like a divorce. Especially because we lived together last summer. I was pregnant with his child and he broke up with me when he found out. He freaked out saying it could no way in Hell be his child because he was all of a sudden "fertile." I did something I regret and promised myself I would never do because I knew I could never care for that child on my own and he didn't want anything to do with it. I would have gladly birthed it and given it to a loving family (I'm adopted myself) but then I wouldn't have been able to go back to school. I'm blessed with my family helping me pay for my education and I don't want to disappoint them. But I think about losing her (I like to think it was a girl...I wanted to name her Aurora) and it just tears me up inside. With out my car I can't go do something to distract myself. Walking doesn't help. Driving 90 MPH on the highway with loud music helps. And with my car I could get a job so that work and my homework would keep me too busy to think about it and would wear me out so I wouldn't lay awake at night. I feel so pathetic. It's like I'm going through mid-life crisis at 20. I honestly feel like I'll never get married because the "love of my life" came and went. I know that's not true. I used to be so pretty and had a nice body and nice legs and a beautiful face. I went to college and gained the Freshman 15 and let the stress from always fighting and crying get to me and just kept eating and now I weigh a lot more than I want to. People still think I'm pretty and tell me but it's SO hard to believe. I'm six feet tall with no butt and huge boobs and it's hard to find clothes that meet all of my awkward proportions. I'm sick of hearing, "You're not fat, you're just tall." That's the biggest load of crap ever. I hardly eat anymore because I have a disease that constantly causes me to get sick. I have to get up and run out of class every thirty minutes. It's embarrassing. And also frustrating that it almost seems that I'm gaining weight instead of losing it. Like literally today I ate eggs, white rice, and a baked potato with salt and pepper. But I bet you anything I'll get on that scale tomorrow and I gained a pound. I just want to look in the mirror and smile, not run out crying. I was also just diagnosed with a slight learning disability. I know it's a mental thing, but now that I know about it I always think about it and I feel so stupid. It makes it harder to read and concentrate for school, even though it wasn't this difficult before. When I do homework, especially online when it tells me right away, and I constantly get things wrong I get SO FRUSTRATED. I just want to beat myself in the forehead until it "goes away." There are a lot of other reasons I'm here, these are just some of the main things that are plaguing me. I would like to talk to people who feel similarly. Or even to people who will just LISTEN. You don't have to dish out advice, just let me talk. Talking helps. Journals stopped helping because I know that no one will ever read it. I really especially need help with my boyfriend...I don't like to tell friends about him because they'll tell him what I'm saying and they always yell at me for not leaving him. And I can't talk to him because God forbid he ever be wrong. I just want SOMEONE to know the things he does and says to me. I want someone to understand how trapped I am. I even maybe want someone to tell me it'll be okay some day. Thanks to whoever read this stupidly huge post. I appreciate it more than you know.

[Obayan]

I understand totally. I was adopted as well. I'm always a doormat to others. And I'm always second guessing myself. You aren't alone hon.

[JB123]

Hi there

I can relate to how you are feeling. I came on to this forum also for help, just someone to tell me im not as weird as I feel.
My owm remedy to this kind of depression is to get angry with constantly feeling like this, defy yourself and say "that's enough, I deserve better and I am going to get myself into a better situation. It does work (but depression can always come back but you deal with it better)
Its about taking control of yourself and setting the ground rules. Take each day at a time, each hour even and set yourself little achieveable targets.

The depression is in you, it is not you. I am no expert, but i am experienced at dealing with depression after trying numerous tablets and counselling etc.

I hope this helps you and I will always be happy to listen or vice verca,

Ps The guy is history, dont let him figure in your life at all, it is not good for you, you deserve better x

[Hannah_25]

I hear what your saying and I can feel you. I have been in 3 serious relationships (2 before my fiance I am with now) and both of those were complete disaters especially the first- love of my life who completely ruined me! He took everything I had to give and more and Its taken hell to get over that. I used to write him endless letters that I knew he would never recieve just so that I could somehow figure him out because he confused me so much!! but I needed somebody to listen- someone who wouldnt judge or talk crap to him about me!

So I will listen whenever you need me to. I am new here too and just came to find people who understand me really.

I know u may wonder what Im doing on here if I am getting married and Im not with some horrible controlling boyfriend, well I am slowly getting over family issues and other things and slowly coming off of my meds... I just have crap days when I really need to let off steam... i need to talk it through with others and also keep myself busy to distract myself from my dark feelings