isolation

[frosty]

Hi everyone...im sorry in advance for the very poor spelling but i need to get some things off my chest

Well im 18 years old soon to be 19
and for the majority of my life i have been depressed or down.I have never realy talked about my depression to anyone until early this year when to me the world just became to hard.Im trying to come to grips with my problems and try to figure out why or how it happins to me but it just dosnt make sense.Out of all of my friends I would consider myself as a loner type of person who stays clear of meeting new people or will stay home when everyone goes out clubbing or drinking.But deep down its like i want to be out there having fun with them aswell.Iv tried to cheer myself up by going out with them on occasion saying maybe Il change and have fun and finaly smile and be happy like them but when i am out i just want to be alone but when i am alone i want to be with other people and i dont understand why.When i am in work people will say im the happeist person they have ever met and how lively i am and how much fun i am to be around but deep down i feel ...horrible and alone...sometimes when i get realy depressed i drink but that just makes me feel worse there has been times were i have come so far as to do harm to myself but i just brake down...at night time i do feel scared because i want to live life like people i see around me but then i feel like theres no hope for me and its horrible.I dont know what to do.I have been to the docters about how i feel and he wanted to send me to a phyceatric ward?(cant spell sorry)but i was afraid so i never went.There is so many differnt feelings in my head at the moment and i would love to just put it down as hormones or some kind of biological thing but i just cant figure out how feel.At the moment it feels like i should just be alone and thats how its ment to be for me...which makes me realy down .
i just want to feel happy its the one feeling i cant rember

[Obayan]

Hi. I really do think you need to go back to the doc hon. I know exactly how you are feeling. I been there. I went to the hospital for a while too. It helped me so much. I fought it at first, but once i gave in and listened, it really did help me so much.