- go wash the dishes
She probable thought the little girl wants to play some games at the computer..Not saying a word she went and with tears flowing washed the dishes. After finishing that she went back to her room. She sat on her bed and cried, but then she heard a voice saying
- Whats wrong dear?
-It hurts mommy..it hurts..
The woman sat next to her and the girl hugged her tightly.
-It's gonna be alright sweety, I love you
-I love you too mommy
The girl sat there for a while and kept on crying while hugging an empty space of air and silently whispering
-mommy..mommy..
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I think I was about 10 when that happened, but somehow I still remember it, cos the feeling of being all alone and imagining support, cos there is no one there for you is the worse thing in my life.
Every part of my life had some horrible dark side on it.
When I was a kid I always felt different from others, I was very shy so i never really had many friends and I never really had close relationship with my parents, cos when I thought I can trust them I had to go down the hard way in realizing I can't. So basically my childhood was pretty much lonely. When my teenage years came I had to realize that the childhood shyness has left me without any friends, being at school was painful, cos I wasnt really the popular girl, but whats the worst part - I had no idea why I wasnt liked, cos I never have been ugly or somehow weard, but this made me think I was, cos there couldnt just be no reason for them to bully me. So I started to get thought of me beeing fat and ugly, it even went so far, that i didnt eat for a weak and was very angry with my self that I somehow let my parents notice it...cos they didnt try to support me and find out the real reason for it, they just threatened me that they will send me to a metal health hospital or something like that where they will make me eat. I felt even worse and cryed even more.
I remember ones I posted on a social site some poems I wrote, they were kinda depressing cos thats how i felt, there were ppl who told me theyr pretty good and that made me feel a bit better, cos at least someone read them and maybe even tryed to understand, but then someone had told my parents something and they instead of starting to worry, got angry with that. They told me - YOU are making US look like bad parents! - that felt like someone stabbed me in the back..The pain was so bad, that i cut my self for the first time that day, and to feel physical pain somehow made the "real" pain lessen.
last year I moved to a different city cos of my studies, the last year i moved to different places 4 times. The first place was good at the begining , cos I had found a friend (with the help of internet) who didnt mind me being around, plus that was a boy who I even started to like, the first I think 2 month were fun and sometimes romantic, but then it went terribly wrong..the guy stated to show hes "real" side..he drunk a lot, he was violent, turned out he had a bad past, I could understand him feeling sad and angry, but the anger was all thrown at me... I lived there with him for 6 moths..while being there I almost overdose with pills..I could say I almust run away from him, luckily another person who I considered to be a friend took me in with her. She was nice and all, but she had a boyfriend, that turned out to be really horrible, he sent threatening sms's to me while I was at school, he threatened to kill my cat! I have no idea how did that girl who was my friend could see something in that guy! I lived there only for a month, after that I managed to find a not very nice but bearable place, i lived there for i think 3 months, i would have stayed there longer, but a neighbor from my home town told me she has a normal apartment and she needs someone to rent it for, i went to see it and I fell in love with it, and since she could let me live there with not so high rent I was really happy at that moment. Now I still live there am thankful for this, but that doesnt really change the way I feel inside , that doesnt take away the memories and lonlelynes. I even gained weight, what makes me worry a lot..Im having very big trouble with taking care of my self, I even remember telling someone that the only reason for me to live is my cat, cos I love him so badly, that I get scared every time I go out somewhere. Im scared something could happen and my cat would be left alone with no one knowing hes still there. lately I really think I need medicine, but every time the first thought in my head is - I cant afford it, Im all on my own, there is no one who can help!
P.S. sorry if I have some mistakes, Im not so good at english.
