my story (very traumatic and triggering please be careful)

[tammy1979]

I was born March 2, 1979. To parent s who really weren’t fit to be parents. We moved a lot and at age 3 the abuse started by an uncle. Then age 5 my real dad. Then age 8 my step dad started. The uncle stopped when I was 5 and we moved back to Illinois from Louisiana. Then my dad started his and he would tell me this is what daddies do and daughters do this to make daddies happy. Then he said women were put here to satisfy men (shocking what a child remembers into their adult years). He would let his brother and friends do things and if I objected a gun would be put to me head until I gave in or just “disappeared” in my head and followed orders. Then at 8 on my birthday mind you my step father started his abuse. I would have to go to Chicago every weekend was taken out of school on Friday days to leave early. I was told to do whatever the guys wanted that gave me a certain word when we would go to truck stops for fuel and food. I also had to do things with women while both my dad an d step dad watched (not at the same time though). I have had some really painful things done and had to do things with my sisters while stepdad watched and I had to watch them. I at age 11 had 3 stds not something I am proud of but need to let it out in my story. I was treated for them successfully. I jumped ahead a year at age 10 I told my dad I was going to turn him in to someone for what he was doing. That was the last conversation anyone ever had with him he was found dead 2 weeks later. I blame myself at times for that (need to stop that). I was put in foster care at 11 was ion 2 foster homes and w2 group homes 1 locked residential from the time 1 was 11 to 18 was with my mom 3 months during that time and I attempted to take my life for the first time in that 3 months. I meet my ex boyfriend my daughters dad during the time in locked residential he was actually a friend of my mom’s needing a pen pal while he was in prison for abuse to his step daughter. I was convinced over the 3 years we talked before I moved in to help with the bills it was a set up so his ex wife could get a divorce (boy was I stupid). We started dating maybe 9 months after I moved in no one knew until a long time after that. After I agreed to date he wouldn’t take no for an answer he would beat on me, control the money, and all sorts of nasty things. I got on disability in 1999 and with my back pay bought a house and my very first computer. I thought life would be great when I got the house but it didn’t work out that way for me. I had my daughter July 13, 2000 and I was proud of her at the time then as time went by I got really mentally sick due to the fact he didn’t allow meds for mental health issues so I lied to him and said it was for sleep. I kicked him out on Jan 3, 2001 my daughter 6 months old 1st time mom on my own on march 6 entered the hosp for the first time in years. Had to give daughter to state due to no one to care for her. When I got out of the hosp on the 14th of march I thought I will be okay now but no on march 16, 2001 I have a house fire that takes everything I own even my beloved computer the one thing that was there for me when no one else was. I wasn’t home when the fire started in the kitchen electrical short. I was at a friend’s house where there was a fire that came across the scanner at first as a neighbors and I thought I will see if there is anything I can do to help them but then there was an address change and It was my house and all I remember bout when It came across was starting to shake and heading for the door the only thought I had was my house and omg I am out of smokes. My friend’s husband was home and gave me a ride to the scene and gave me a pack of cigarettes. I remember being stupid and getting mad cause they wouldn’t let me light my cigarette off the flames rolling out of my kitchen (my lighters were in the house). The fire department couldn’t find the hydrant ( it was ½ block away) so the fire got out of hand by the time the tanker got there. I lost everything I owned that night. The insurance company was very generous and paid the highest amount on everything they could. I went to live in a hotel for the first time I found an apartment in 2 weeks. I never got custody of my daughter back. I signed the papers March 13, 2002 and the next day 3-14-02 I seen my daughter for the last time. I cried myself to sleep for 3 years straight after that and am now trying to deal with the events leading up to the point I lost her and my feelings about her. I will skip ahead to 2007 when I ran way to California for stupid reasons came back and haven’t stayed in one spot since and in march of this year 2010 I had the first time in years that I lost time and the longest period of time I lost which is a month I am starting to be “allowed” to see certain dates one of which is march 31st which is the day I literally died and they had to b ring me back to life. They code blued me so I heard. I oded that day and came to with an angry mom looking at me and she was the last person I wanted to se but at the time she was emergency contact. Mental health came that night and ran interference with me and family keeping them away from me( wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the night). My bp kept dropping down. They had a cath in me and an iv I looked at them and said to take it out or I was yanking it lout myself and I was leaving the hospital and was told if I did the cops would be involved spent overnight there and sent to a really good psych hosp. I didn’t think so at the time and got out of hosp on the 15th of April and shortly after that I found this room.

[crystalgaze]

Hi Tammy! You are still here with us & that is good! You have persevered & weathered many a storm.... You did great!

Perhaps that is not consoling to you.... but reading through your post, I just felt very proud of you. It has been too much turbulence. So glad that you would share! Thank you very much!

Here's to hoping you will be replenished with strength!


((((((((((((((( Tammy ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[tammy1979]

they had permission from my mother to do the abuse to me

[Djkatscan]

[quote="crystalgaze"] but reading through your post, I just felt very proud of you. /quote]

I am too. To go through that and still be standing is amazing. I think you are amazing.

[CMX999]

I agree. You went through all of this trauma, and survived, for a reason. Maybe one day you could help girls going through the same thing you did. In the meantime, what are your plans now?

[Obayan]

(((( tammy )))))

sending a warm hug your way.

[Victoria_Lamarche]

To read what you have go on in your life really touched me... i know it must of bin very hard for you! i have to say that you are a very strong person to have lived with all of that and still be alive... you should feel very proud of yourself for that! and i know that there are lots of people that have probably read this and bin touched that you would share your story...

Thank you!