Just wish that i could disapear!

[apetitefordestruction]

I am 28 years of age and despite the fact that i have a good job - if not exactly exciting- 2 beautiful kids and a partner that i know loves me, i find myself wishing on an almost daily basis that my life had never been.

I have felt like this on and off for nearly 6 years now. before, i used to think it was because every day was a struggle to make ends meet and get by, but now i earn more than enough i find my mood is no better, infact i fear it may be worse. I used to think that the challenges of dealing with a difficult workforce were the root of my despair, but now that i have changed companies, job and working environment there is no change to my overall malaise.

I see people all the time with far less than i have, and with more problems and they amaze me with there optimistic outlook on life. I wish i could be like them and enjoy life even when it kicks me in the balls. but, i cant. even on the best of days, when everything is running smoothly, i feel worthless and numb. in my core, it seems, there is an emptiness that is rarely filled and which drains all to quickly. i see no hapiness in the future, only a relentless drudge towards the grave, filled with hardship and struggles.

Every now and then the emotions that i miss for much of my waking days, suddenly flood into me all at once and i feel as if i can no longer bear it. At times like that i will usually destroy something, anything, whatever is closest at hand. i have lost count of the number of doors i have replaced in my house after i have kicked them to pieces in incompetent frustration. Or keepsakes, phones, pictures that have been smashed against a wall in a futile attempt to expell the overwhelming torrent of feeling. in those rare periods when i am able to enjoy life i have often worked hard towards one creative output or the other, hoping that it will give me a focus when my mood sinks again. more often than not when i hit my low, i do my best to destroy or erase whatever creative endeavour i placed my efforts into.

When these moments pass i thank god for my children and partner as i know, that were it not for them these moments could well escalate into serious self harm or worse. In my darker moments i have often imagined those scenarios and the thought of inflicting the suffering and pain of them on my family is the only thing that stops me. At the same time, though, i cant help but turn to thoughts that my rapid mood swings and futile outbursts may be doing more damage in the long run.

I feel i am at a wits end and, while i know deep inside of me that the future cannot possibly be as bleak as i forsee it, i am almost powerless to stop my mood from hitting bottom and staying there for weeks or even months at a time. Its got to the point that i just wish that i could disapear or somehow cease to exist.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( apetitefordestruction )))))))))))))))))

Hi and welcome to the forums.

What you are feeling, many of us feel the same. Depression doesn't care who it lands on. In here there is support and understanding from those that deal with each day, individually.

There is also a chat room connect with this forum, if you want to venture in and talk with people there. Very understanding and caring people in both places.

Keep posting, it does help to vent, to release some of the thoughts and feelings without the fear of what people might think.

Good to have you part of this little family.

Warmsoul