I'll never give up on Casper.
And I hope someday that I find someone that loves me enough to never give up on me.
love and hugs always ,
im dying and no one cares
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
I just want to say that reading parts of this, I could have written it. I might not ever be able to have kids either, if they have my medical condition right this time... And I've had real life friends stop being my friend because of my depression! I'm not a religious person, but the one thing I think humanity is missing in this day in ages is complete acceptance for others and the tolerance and compassion for something or someone different. But the one thing that got me more than ever....your pets! I have quite the mini sanctuary building and they make every day that little bit more bare able, they are the definition of loving wholly and completely. If you ever need an ear, or a shoulder or just a cheesy pet anecdote all you need to do is ask!
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Hi there Moretome. It's nice to meet you. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry that you might not be able to ever have kids. It's so hard to find the right words to say to offer you some comfort. It' just damn unfair that's all I know what to say.
I know what you mean about friends deserting you. I had a friend named Jenna that I use to talk to. We would laugh together all the time and make jokes. All in good fun. She never had any possible clue of how those good times we had together helped me. But I guess she got " tired " of my depression and she pretty much just up and walked away from me. No goodbyes no explanation........ I still miss her a lot.
And thank you Porcupine. Casper is doing wonderful. I like that idea of him being your wallpaper. He actually sniffed my hand. He won't let me pet him or hold him but he will eat right out of my hand and smell my fingers. He is recognizing my scent now and is getting familiar with the smell of a human.
This last past week I haven't been able to feel any emotion at all. No sadness , no happiness. Nothing. It's like I'm completely empty inside and that really scares me. A person should feel something. But I feel absolutely nothing.
I wonder if this is what it feels like before the end comes. The end where you just give up on everything in life. Even living.
I imagine it has to be.
The other day I visited a place not too far from my house. It's a tunnel hidden far away from the world down a narrow dirt road. The tunnel is huge where you can walk through and the creek water runs straight through the middle of it. When its dry in the summer time the tunnel is dry too and you can sit inside it and take off your shoes and dangle your bare feet over the edge into the creek.
You can sit there and listen to the water rush over the rocks in the creek and watch the minnow fish swim through the water below. When the sun hits the water it makes the little fish shine like pieces of shimmering , moving wisps of gold.
Its so quiet there you can hear your own heartbeat and the sound of your own breathing. I think I know in my heart this is where I truly belong. I've been screwed over and taken advantage of way too many times in my life and I refuse to start over again.
I watched the clouds tonight bring in rain. Huge dark clouds that marched across the sky and looked like pirate ships sailing through the deep , dark ocean.
Then the wind come blowing across the fields and sending hundreds of leaves dancing through the air before they hit the ground.
This huge flock of birds flew right over my head so close that I could hear the shushing sound from all of their wings as they past above me.
There's lots of things I wished for in life. But I think to find a place where I was safe is the most important one.
And it breaks my heart to know I never really found it. At once time I thought I came so close... but I guess I was mistaken. But I know now that I'll never let myself make that same mistake again.
I would rather live my life as a recluse than to let my heart get broken again.
I just want to disappear so far away from this world and never be seen again.
I know what you mean about friends deserting you. I had a friend named Jenna that I use to talk to. We would laugh together all the time and make jokes. All in good fun. She never had any possible clue of how those good times we had together helped me. But I guess she got " tired " of my depression and she pretty much just up and walked away from me. No goodbyes no explanation........ I still miss her a lot.
And thank you Porcupine. Casper is doing wonderful. I like that idea of him being your wallpaper. He actually sniffed my hand. He won't let me pet him or hold him but he will eat right out of my hand and smell my fingers. He is recognizing my scent now and is getting familiar with the smell of a human.
This last past week I haven't been able to feel any emotion at all. No sadness , no happiness. Nothing. It's like I'm completely empty inside and that really scares me. A person should feel something. But I feel absolutely nothing.
I wonder if this is what it feels like before the end comes. The end where you just give up on everything in life. Even living.
I imagine it has to be.
The other day I visited a place not too far from my house. It's a tunnel hidden far away from the world down a narrow dirt road. The tunnel is huge where you can walk through and the creek water runs straight through the middle of it. When its dry in the summer time the tunnel is dry too and you can sit inside it and take off your shoes and dangle your bare feet over the edge into the creek.
You can sit there and listen to the water rush over the rocks in the creek and watch the minnow fish swim through the water below. When the sun hits the water it makes the little fish shine like pieces of shimmering , moving wisps of gold.
Its so quiet there you can hear your own heartbeat and the sound of your own breathing. I think I know in my heart this is where I truly belong. I've been screwed over and taken advantage of way too many times in my life and I refuse to start over again.
I watched the clouds tonight bring in rain. Huge dark clouds that marched across the sky and looked like pirate ships sailing through the deep , dark ocean.
Then the wind come blowing across the fields and sending hundreds of leaves dancing through the air before they hit the ground.
This huge flock of birds flew right over my head so close that I could hear the shushing sound from all of their wings as they past above me.
There's lots of things I wished for in life. But I think to find a place where I was safe is the most important one.
And it breaks my heart to know I never really found it. At once time I thought I came so close... but I guess I was mistaken. But I know now that I'll never let myself make that same mistake again.
I would rather live my life as a recluse than to let my heart get broken again.
I just want to disappear so far away from this world and never be seen again.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Well, tonight I officially made it. September 22. When I first started this Blog post I told myself that I would try to hold on for a year. A year of writing saved my life. And that is the whole reason I had for writing this entire thing.
I hope you have a big mug of coffee to get you through reading this because I sure do because it's going to be a long post.
Tonight as the sun sank down in the coming Autumn sky I watched the beautiful sunset be born right in front of my eyes. The sky was ivory colored with smoky blue and gray mixed in and with huge puffy pink cotton candy explosions of clouds.
The moon came out to greet me with wisps of smoky clouds surrounding it way above the treetops where the wind whispered through the leaves on the trees.
And here I am standing in a place where I never thought I would make it to be. Alive.
After the sun went down and I was surrounded by infinite darkness I went inside and opened my bedroom window feeling the cool breeze against my skin and I laid there watching towards the west where I could see small glittering pieces of light. Only tiny, miniscule pieces far , far away off in the distance. They are headlights of cars from the nearest highway. In the summer my house is hidden away from the world through a thick blanket of leaves but in winter you can see them as they make their way on the highway.
My cay Pickles, one of my rescue cats came and laid on my stomach and was so warm and comforting against my skin.
The things I've learned from depression is.
Depression is not a game. It's never to be taken lightly. It's very serious.
If someone is suicidal please God , just listen to them. Don't ever completely leave them. If their depression is too much for you to handle and you get tired of listening to them okay that's fine. Take time to step away a bit but don't ever just up and totally abandon them. It's the cruelest , most harsh, unfair thing you could do.
I don't care if a person says they want to commit suicide two dozen times but never goes through with it... someday they might. You have to realize that all the times that they don't they are trying a hard as they can to hold on to life. And just because they don't at that time DOESN'T mean they are out of the danger .... because in that one moment where the last straw finally breaks they could still go through with it.
Leaving someone who has depression all alone is like sitting there watching someone drowning and you don't do anything to help them because you don't want to get " wet."
STOP calling them names and judging them. Names like " over emotional " , " mellow -dramatic" , " attention seeking " , " weak " , " lazy" or a " nuisance ".
Believe in them even when they can't believe in themselves. Your belief may be the one thing that someday saves their life.
You can't fix their depression only they can. But you can be there to help them find their strength.
One of the most important things in the world is to realize and understand that being someone's friend when life is good is the easiest thing in the world. But when life is hard or bad that is when the true face of friendship is seen and experienced.
I've done it I've made it a year and I'm alive. But my heart is still broken beyond words. Nothing is fixed or healed ..... but I'm still here to write this.
I sat there for a long time watching Pickles sleep on me. The gentle rhythm of her chest rising and falling as she breathed. It was so comforting to my heart that always seems to be hurting. Animals are my safe zone. A place and a love that I've known for so long and one of the rare things in this life that guarantees never hurts.
I've been hurt all my life by people. My whole entire life. When I was 14 years old I was beaten up and molested.
And as far as having a "real" friend I've never been able to find one. Just about everyone that I've let myself love has either abandoned me , lied to me , or put me last on their list.
So here I am always so close to drowning. And the people that I've let myself love don't want to do anything to help save me. As far as getting " wet " for me .....no one has ever loved me enough to " jump in and get wet."
Now I've become nothing short of a recluse. I guess that's the irony. Because all my life I've never hesitated to jump in for anyone else.
There is a graveyard not far from my house. Almost long forgotten by time. Some of the headstones are totally unrecognizable. Some of the graves are so old that you can't even read the names of who they are. Nobody knows. No one There is a man buried there. Hi name is Jacob and he was born in 1752 and died in 1823. Tall wildflowers and weeds surround the graveyard and the secrets of the lives of the people buried there are lost forever in time. And that makes me feel so sad for them. I think about Jacob sometimes. He had a wife named Elizabeth. He was a revolutionary war soldier. I worked really hard to find out what I could about him. But it ends there. There is no more history records , no more anything.
My mother thinks I'm being silly. I guess she doesn't understand why care about someone that I didn't even really know. I say why not ? To me it's sad that so much of a person's life could be lost in the years after their death.
Maybe the world would be a better place if we all started opening our hearts and our minds to other people more. You don't have to know someone to care. All it takes to care is your own heart....
From where my house sits you can see the top of the hill where there graveyard is. I think about him often. A man that once lived 192 years ago. On almost on the same stretch of land a me. Seeing the same sunsets , watching the moon rise like I do and I'm sure loving these old country hills like me. I also think about all the other people buried there too. Most graves so worn with age they have no name , no dates of birth or death. Nothing at all remains of who they were.
They are like lost souls without a face , without a voice , without a history. Someone should still care and think of them.
I hope whoever those people were they were happy.
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I could be safe.
I may still be alive which was my entire hope to be. But I won't trust again. I won't love again. I won't let someone close to me again. I've been let down too many times.
I guess it' s too late to save myself.
All I want to say is to whoever reads this Blog post ...... if you know of someone that is reaching out, lost , drowning and all alone. Please don't leave them. Don't judge them.
Because someday they could end up like I am now. A recluse who has totally given up on trusting and ever loving again............
your belief in them may be the only thing standing between them and death. Or them facing a lifetime of never taking the chance of trusting. again.
I hope you have a big mug of coffee to get you through reading this because I sure do because it's going to be a long post.
Tonight as the sun sank down in the coming Autumn sky I watched the beautiful sunset be born right in front of my eyes. The sky was ivory colored with smoky blue and gray mixed in and with huge puffy pink cotton candy explosions of clouds.
The moon came out to greet me with wisps of smoky clouds surrounding it way above the treetops where the wind whispered through the leaves on the trees.
And here I am standing in a place where I never thought I would make it to be. Alive.
After the sun went down and I was surrounded by infinite darkness I went inside and opened my bedroom window feeling the cool breeze against my skin and I laid there watching towards the west where I could see small glittering pieces of light. Only tiny, miniscule pieces far , far away off in the distance. They are headlights of cars from the nearest highway. In the summer my house is hidden away from the world through a thick blanket of leaves but in winter you can see them as they make their way on the highway.
My cay Pickles, one of my rescue cats came and laid on my stomach and was so warm and comforting against my skin.
The things I've learned from depression is.
Depression is not a game. It's never to be taken lightly. It's very serious.
If someone is suicidal please God , just listen to them. Don't ever completely leave them. If their depression is too much for you to handle and you get tired of listening to them okay that's fine. Take time to step away a bit but don't ever just up and totally abandon them. It's the cruelest , most harsh, unfair thing you could do.
I don't care if a person says they want to commit suicide two dozen times but never goes through with it... someday they might. You have to realize that all the times that they don't they are trying a hard as they can to hold on to life. And just because they don't at that time DOESN'T mean they are out of the danger .... because in that one moment where the last straw finally breaks they could still go through with it.
Leaving someone who has depression all alone is like sitting there watching someone drowning and you don't do anything to help them because you don't want to get " wet."
STOP calling them names and judging them. Names like " over emotional " , " mellow -dramatic" , " attention seeking " , " weak " , " lazy" or a " nuisance ".
Believe in them even when they can't believe in themselves. Your belief may be the one thing that someday saves their life.
You can't fix their depression only they can. But you can be there to help them find their strength.
One of the most important things in the world is to realize and understand that being someone's friend when life is good is the easiest thing in the world. But when life is hard or bad that is when the true face of friendship is seen and experienced.
I've done it I've made it a year and I'm alive. But my heart is still broken beyond words. Nothing is fixed or healed ..... but I'm still here to write this.
I sat there for a long time watching Pickles sleep on me. The gentle rhythm of her chest rising and falling as she breathed. It was so comforting to my heart that always seems to be hurting. Animals are my safe zone. A place and a love that I've known for so long and one of the rare things in this life that guarantees never hurts.
I've been hurt all my life by people. My whole entire life. When I was 14 years old I was beaten up and molested.
And as far as having a "real" friend I've never been able to find one. Just about everyone that I've let myself love has either abandoned me , lied to me , or put me last on their list.
So here I am always so close to drowning. And the people that I've let myself love don't want to do anything to help save me. As far as getting " wet " for me .....no one has ever loved me enough to " jump in and get wet."
Now I've become nothing short of a recluse. I guess that's the irony. Because all my life I've never hesitated to jump in for anyone else.
There is a graveyard not far from my house. Almost long forgotten by time. Some of the headstones are totally unrecognizable. Some of the graves are so old that you can't even read the names of who they are. Nobody knows. No one There is a man buried there. Hi name is Jacob and he was born in 1752 and died in 1823. Tall wildflowers and weeds surround the graveyard and the secrets of the lives of the people buried there are lost forever in time. And that makes me feel so sad for them. I think about Jacob sometimes. He had a wife named Elizabeth. He was a revolutionary war soldier. I worked really hard to find out what I could about him. But it ends there. There is no more history records , no more anything.
My mother thinks I'm being silly. I guess she doesn't understand why care about someone that I didn't even really know. I say why not ? To me it's sad that so much of a person's life could be lost in the years after their death.
Maybe the world would be a better place if we all started opening our hearts and our minds to other people more. You don't have to know someone to care. All it takes to care is your own heart....
From where my house sits you can see the top of the hill where there graveyard is. I think about him often. A man that once lived 192 years ago. On almost on the same stretch of land a me. Seeing the same sunsets , watching the moon rise like I do and I'm sure loving these old country hills like me. I also think about all the other people buried there too. Most graves so worn with age they have no name , no dates of birth or death. Nothing at all remains of who they were.
They are like lost souls without a face , without a voice , without a history. Someone should still care and think of them.
I hope whoever those people were they were happy.
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I could be safe.
I may still be alive which was my entire hope to be. But I won't trust again. I won't love again. I won't let someone close to me again. I've been let down too many times.
I guess it' s too late to save myself.
All I want to say is to whoever reads this Blog post ...... if you know of someone that is reaching out, lost , drowning and all alone. Please don't leave them. Don't judge them.
Because someday they could end up like I am now. A recluse who has totally given up on trusting and ever loving again............
your belief in them may be the only thing standing between them and death. Or them facing a lifetime of never taking the chance of trusting. again.
i cant trust anyone either. i live as a semi recluse. i have to go out sometimes. i cant risk trusting anyone as i wont be able to stand it if they shit on me.
I find a lot of people on depression sites are drawn to cats. they have cat avatars or cat related user names. When i was crying loudly my cat came up to me and sat on my knee. he hates me crying and meows at me and makes a fuss of me.
im guessing his previous owner was troubled. she seemed quite sad. i think she might have cuddled him when she was depressed. i think that he has learned to sit on someones knee to stop the crying. i think the sobbing noise stresses him out.
its good youve managed to make it this far. i dont know how i'm still alive. the stress alone should have killed me by now. We've made it this far. We might as well see it through to the end and try to make the best of it.
I find a lot of people on depression sites are drawn to cats. they have cat avatars or cat related user names. When i was crying loudly my cat came up to me and sat on my knee. he hates me crying and meows at me and makes a fuss of me.
im guessing his previous owner was troubled. she seemed quite sad. i think she might have cuddled him when she was depressed. i think that he has learned to sit on someones knee to stop the crying. i think the sobbing noise stresses him out.
its good youve managed to make it this far. i dont know how i'm still alive. the stress alone should have killed me by now. We've made it this far. We might as well see it through to the end and try to make the best of it.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Tonight Casper and I sat together as the sun went down. He had his evening supper and we watched the clouds turn a beautiful blue raspberry color with swirls of mauve and gold. I gave him some crunchy cat treats and I sat there and watched this white cat so filthy with dirt munch happily on the only taste of treats that he's probably had in his whole life and it made me feel like crying. Happy tears. Happy that I could take an animal that has nothing and give him so much.
He still won't let me hold him. I don't know if he ever will. And I still don't know if I will ever get that hug that I've always dreamed of myself. In a way I guess I'm to the point of where I'm almost passed hoping for it.
I've built a giant wall around myself protecting myself so I don't ever get hurt again. And this is where I plan to stay. But I have to say tonight I'm okay. I suppose after so long of being in constant pain you just turn numb. And I'm just about as numb as a person can get. But hey , I'm safe. And being safe to me is all that matters. It's ALL that is ever going to matter to me anymore.
I had another dream the other night about Angie and Aaron but I pushed it to the back of my mind and made myself forget it. In my heart I still don't think they were for real. I could have turned them in to the law but I didn't. Why ? Because I cared about them. Even though they were most likely fakes. That's just me I guess. I couldn't really expose someone that I care about. Even if they weren't who they claimed to be. I couldn't turn them in. I think I've known that in my heart all this time or I would have done it by now. And slowly I'm starting to not even think about them anymore.
As far as my niece is concerned it's hard to understand why things like that happen the way they do. I've been thinking about God and why he gives some people so much and others so little. I remember the countless times my niece would take her first kid and just literally leave him on my doorstep and not even see him for months at a time. While she was out having the time of her life with her new boyfriend. I still don't know how she could do that. And I don't think I will ever understand why people like that can have all the children they want and people like me can never have any. But no one ever said life was fair. And I'm slowly learning to deal with that kind of pain too. I only hope that with this next baby coming my niece somehow grows up and realizes how badly she takes being a mother for granted.
As for me life is okay. I'm not as bad off as I was. Suicide is not an option for me. It will never be an option for me. I'm still alone but I'm realizing that it's okay to be alone.
He still won't let me hold him. I don't know if he ever will. And I still don't know if I will ever get that hug that I've always dreamed of myself. In a way I guess I'm to the point of where I'm almost passed hoping for it.
I've built a giant wall around myself protecting myself so I don't ever get hurt again. And this is where I plan to stay. But I have to say tonight I'm okay. I suppose after so long of being in constant pain you just turn numb. And I'm just about as numb as a person can get. But hey , I'm safe. And being safe to me is all that matters. It's ALL that is ever going to matter to me anymore.
I had another dream the other night about Angie and Aaron but I pushed it to the back of my mind and made myself forget it. In my heart I still don't think they were for real. I could have turned them in to the law but I didn't. Why ? Because I cared about them. Even though they were most likely fakes. That's just me I guess. I couldn't really expose someone that I care about. Even if they weren't who they claimed to be. I couldn't turn them in. I think I've known that in my heart all this time or I would have done it by now. And slowly I'm starting to not even think about them anymore.
As far as my niece is concerned it's hard to understand why things like that happen the way they do. I've been thinking about God and why he gives some people so much and others so little. I remember the countless times my niece would take her first kid and just literally leave him on my doorstep and not even see him for months at a time. While she was out having the time of her life with her new boyfriend. I still don't know how she could do that. And I don't think I will ever understand why people like that can have all the children they want and people like me can never have any. But no one ever said life was fair. And I'm slowly learning to deal with that kind of pain too. I only hope that with this next baby coming my niece somehow grows up and realizes how badly she takes being a mother for granted.
As for me life is okay. I'm not as bad off as I was. Suicide is not an option for me. It will never be an option for me. I'm still alone but I'm realizing that it's okay to be alone.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 11:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
And as for Casper if anyone is wondering. He is still doing amazing.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun Oct 11, 2015 4:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I know I should have ended this post a long time ago but I had a lot of things about myself that I needed to learn. And now I think I finally did.
Tonight I couldn't see any stars in the night sky but it was okay. Huge dark navy blue and gray clouds heavy and swollen with rain rolled in from the west. The wind blew really hard and made the leaves on the trees sound like crashing waves on the tumbling ocean. Most of the time I have my hair in a long braid down my back but tonight I took it down and let the wind run through it. I closed my eyes and felt it dance and fall around my shoulders and face. I could feel the cold Autumn air around me touch my skin and hear the sounds of the crickets around me. In my mind when I closed my eyes I imagined the wind being ocean waves on some far off distant shore.
And I felt something inside me. Something small that I've almost forgotten about. It started in my stomach and went all the way up to my chest and filled my heart. I felt happy. Everything isn't magically okay like I hoped it would be but I do feel happy.
I've had a lot happen to me in my life that made me lose faith in living , in people , in trust. I've been physically abused , beaten up , molested , traumatized by people online for years who I thought I could trust , I lost my chance of ever being called a mommy in life ,or to be able to hold my own child in my arms or be called a grandma years down the road ,I had a cancer scare , and I was trapped as a prisoner of anxiety, depression and nightmares. I'm still here though.
I wanted to live my life as a recluse because it was the only safe haven I could find. And maybe I will still do that. But happiness even in the smallest form can be found in the smallest of things. And that is the reason to hang onto life.
Hang on to life for the sake of seeing each sunset of every evening. Let the beautiful colors that paint the sky help you find that beautiful place inside yourself that also can be capable of beauty.
Hang on to life for the sake of the sound of the rain on the roof how it washes everything clean and makes the world fresh again.
Hang on to life for the sake of literally anything that you can hold onto with your two hands. Hang onto it so tightly and no matter what you do don't ever let it go.
Hang onto life for the taste of your favorite ice cream , the sound of your dog barking , your favorite tv show , your future dreams , your favorite book..... Hell , even hold on for your teddy bear. And yes I still have mine. There is no shame once in awhile needing some tender comfort like we all did as when we were children. No reason is too small. Seriously. All you have to do is find a reason even in the smallest form. My reason was to write this blog.
I can't even begin to explain how coming here writing helped me. I truly believe it saved my life. My words were my sword , my sword was my light and my light made me see again how strong I can be.
Everything still hurts. I guess no matter what some things will always hurt. But I will be here to see the next sunset and listen to the sound of the rain on the roof. To taste my favorite ice cream , dream my future dreams , curl up with my favorite book and someday hopefully hold Casper in my arms.
Depression is cruel , people are blind , life is unfair but nothing is worse than giving up on yourself.
I'm way too loyal to people that hurt me but the one person I should be loyal most to is myself.
I don't know if I will ever be comfortable around people again but I can find my own happiness in the smallest of things.
Tonight I couldn't see any stars in the night sky but it was okay. Huge dark navy blue and gray clouds heavy and swollen with rain rolled in from the west. The wind blew really hard and made the leaves on the trees sound like crashing waves on the tumbling ocean. Most of the time I have my hair in a long braid down my back but tonight I took it down and let the wind run through it. I closed my eyes and felt it dance and fall around my shoulders and face. I could feel the cold Autumn air around me touch my skin and hear the sounds of the crickets around me. In my mind when I closed my eyes I imagined the wind being ocean waves on some far off distant shore.
And I felt something inside me. Something small that I've almost forgotten about. It started in my stomach and went all the way up to my chest and filled my heart. I felt happy. Everything isn't magically okay like I hoped it would be but I do feel happy.
I've had a lot happen to me in my life that made me lose faith in living , in people , in trust. I've been physically abused , beaten up , molested , traumatized by people online for years who I thought I could trust , I lost my chance of ever being called a mommy in life ,or to be able to hold my own child in my arms or be called a grandma years down the road ,I had a cancer scare , and I was trapped as a prisoner of anxiety, depression and nightmares. I'm still here though.
I wanted to live my life as a recluse because it was the only safe haven I could find. And maybe I will still do that. But happiness even in the smallest form can be found in the smallest of things. And that is the reason to hang onto life.
Hang on to life for the sake of seeing each sunset of every evening. Let the beautiful colors that paint the sky help you find that beautiful place inside yourself that also can be capable of beauty.
Hang on to life for the sake of the sound of the rain on the roof how it washes everything clean and makes the world fresh again.
Hang on to life for the sake of literally anything that you can hold onto with your two hands. Hang onto it so tightly and no matter what you do don't ever let it go.
Hang onto life for the taste of your favorite ice cream , the sound of your dog barking , your favorite tv show , your future dreams , your favorite book..... Hell , even hold on for your teddy bear. And yes I still have mine. There is no shame once in awhile needing some tender comfort like we all did as when we were children. No reason is too small. Seriously. All you have to do is find a reason even in the smallest form. My reason was to write this blog.
I can't even begin to explain how coming here writing helped me. I truly believe it saved my life. My words were my sword , my sword was my light and my light made me see again how strong I can be.
Everything still hurts. I guess no matter what some things will always hurt. But I will be here to see the next sunset and listen to the sound of the rain on the roof. To taste my favorite ice cream , dream my future dreams , curl up with my favorite book and someday hopefully hold Casper in my arms.
Depression is cruel , people are blind , life is unfair but nothing is worse than giving up on yourself.
I'm way too loyal to people that hurt me but the one person I should be loyal most to is myself.
I don't know if I will ever be comfortable around people again but I can find my own happiness in the smallest of things.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 11:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Okay, here I go so please wish me luck. For the first time in a very long time I felt the sun shine on my face again. " Figuratively speaking. " Yeah, God knows I've hurt for way too long. I sounded like a broken record for far too long always talking about the same subject , the same people , the same hurt .. that's because my heart was like a broken record always skipping to the same painful beats. But not anymore.
There is no time limit on grief , or a broken heart .... somehow in some way it must heal in its own in time. For some people it can heal quickly for others it takes a hell of a long time...
I was drowning ,every time I tried to come back up for air depression pushed me back under. I almost died because no one was there to help me. I don't want to die. I never did. But that is because depression is an ugly monster more dangerous than you could ever find in any horror film. But I think I'm ready to fight this beast again.
But like the end of any horror movie the monster has to be the one to die... I have no intention of being the one dying.
I remember the way I used to be. The way I used to feel. And why I had the nickname Star because people told me that I could light up all the darkness in their lives and that I helped so many people. And more than anything I want to be that person I used to be again.
Only this time I will be a bit smarter. I know that my biggest flaw is that I have too much faith in people. And while having faith in people is a good thing you also have to be very careful who you choose to have so much faith in.
I'm still scared. Really , really scared. I feel like a hero in the movies fighting the monster all alone but I guess that is what a hero does. I heard once that courage doesn't mean that your not scared it means that your scared but you do it anyway.....
Maybe someday down that long road ahead of me I will get that hug I always wanted. And whoever it is that will be the one to hold me I hope they hold me extra tight and don't let me go for a little while because it sure as hell has been a long road for me.
But hey I think I am finally ready.
And for everyone out there like me, please keep fighting this monster. Fight even though you don't think you can take anymore. Send Depression right straight back to hell where it belongs.
Just don't give up.... don't ever give up.
love and hugs always , STAR
There is no time limit on grief , or a broken heart .... somehow in some way it must heal in its own in time. For some people it can heal quickly for others it takes a hell of a long time...
I was drowning ,every time I tried to come back up for air depression pushed me back under. I almost died because no one was there to help me. I don't want to die. I never did. But that is because depression is an ugly monster more dangerous than you could ever find in any horror film. But I think I'm ready to fight this beast again.
But like the end of any horror movie the monster has to be the one to die... I have no intention of being the one dying.
I remember the way I used to be. The way I used to feel. And why I had the nickname Star because people told me that I could light up all the darkness in their lives and that I helped so many people. And more than anything I want to be that person I used to be again.
Only this time I will be a bit smarter. I know that my biggest flaw is that I have too much faith in people. And while having faith in people is a good thing you also have to be very careful who you choose to have so much faith in.
I'm still scared. Really , really scared. I feel like a hero in the movies fighting the monster all alone but I guess that is what a hero does. I heard once that courage doesn't mean that your not scared it means that your scared but you do it anyway.....
Maybe someday down that long road ahead of me I will get that hug I always wanted. And whoever it is that will be the one to hold me I hope they hold me extra tight and don't let me go for a little while because it sure as hell has been a long road for me.
But hey I think I am finally ready.
And for everyone out there like me, please keep fighting this monster. Fight even though you don't think you can take anymore. Send Depression right straight back to hell where it belongs.
Just don't give up.... don't ever give up.
love and hugs always , STAR
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I hope someday you are happy the way you deserve to be. I will always be thinking of you Porcupine. I promise.
The cat is Pepper. She was another abandoned cat I rescued. Pepper is very special. She has no nose at all. No joke. She has none. There is only two deep holes there where you can see down inside to the cartilage. And there is a huge gap in her lips where one of her teeth sticks out father than the other. The vet said she was born with a "hare lip". But that isn't her only issue. From her nose up to between her eyes she has a huge scar. The vet said that at one time she must have suffered from a massive hit to her face. So hard that it split the middle of her nose in half. It's healed but it will never fully grow back together or look the same. She looks like a real life Stephen King cat. Straight off the pages of a horror novel but to me she will always be one of the most beautiful cats in the world.
And if you think that is crazy you should see my cat Booger. Booger has a curved spine , no tail , two back legs where in the womb his bones grew in the opposite direction so that when he walks he kinda hopes like a bunny and a frog combined. And his growth was stunted. He will always be the size of a small kitten even though he is several years old now.
But as far as how I'm personally doing.............
I think love cures just about anything. That's why I tried so hard to find friends. I may be a recluse but I can still have the love in my heart. I can find happiness in other places. And when I look inside me I know I'm the happiest when I'm changing things for the better. Saving animals lives , helping people , or just making the world a better place day by day.
Take the smallest thing that makes you happy and hold on to it with both hands as hard as you can and don't let it go. I think that's the key. Don't let yourself think about anything else. Don't think about the people that hurt you or left you when you needed them most , don't think about the people that have so much in life that others can't and they take what they have for granted , don't think about the pain or loneliness.
I'm still scared but hell I would rather be all alone than with people that never appreciated me. I know that one very filthy cat appreciates me. He matters. That matters.
I know there is still probably going to be nights where I'll cry myself to sleep but hey I survived them .... I woke up the next morning. And I will continue to keep waking up.
You know what's crazy ?? I stayed in that situation online with those people " Angie , Vicki " , and that guy , "if he is for real or not " for YEARS ....... literally years and as of today those people are totally clueless to what I'm really like inside. Deep , deep down inside of me I mean. The special part of me that makes me , " me " .... Simply because they didn't care enough to take the time to really get to know me.....
It was heartbreaking what they put me through but you know what ??? I'm to blame too. It's my fault. It's my fault because I was stupid enough to keep going back to them. A lot of the cause of the pain was from myself.
If someone hurts you shame on them , but if you keep going back letting them hurt you and taking you for granted shame on YOU.
In my heart I still don't think he was for real but who the hell really knows. One thing I do know for sure is he definitely realized for certain how badly I was hurting. There is no way that he couldn't have possibly not seen that .. He would always come back though , over and over again leading me on and making me believe that he cared... BUT every time I needed him he wouldn't be there. And he was very wrong for doing that. But like I said I'm to blame too because I let him do it to me over and over.
I just want to put as much distance between me and what "they" did to me as possible.
There are a lot of animals out there that still need my help. A lot of them could die without me. Somewhere there is another Casper , Another Pepper , another Booger. And that is the only thing I'm going to concentrate on.
There is going to be more beautiful sunsets to see , the colors of the sky to watch , the sound of the leaves , the first snowfall. I intend to make things like that the first and only priority in my life.
Maybe someday I will stumble across a real friend. But if I don't its not the end of the world. I made it this far all by myself. I'll be okay.
I always wanted that hug so damn bad but maybe someday I will find someone that needs a hug just as bad as I did and I can be the one to give it to them.
Just keep fighting that monster called depression like I said. Because at the end of every movie the monster has to be the one to die.
Always
The cat is Pepper. She was another abandoned cat I rescued. Pepper is very special. She has no nose at all. No joke. She has none. There is only two deep holes there where you can see down inside to the cartilage. And there is a huge gap in her lips where one of her teeth sticks out father than the other. The vet said she was born with a "hare lip". But that isn't her only issue. From her nose up to between her eyes she has a huge scar. The vet said that at one time she must have suffered from a massive hit to her face. So hard that it split the middle of her nose in half. It's healed but it will never fully grow back together or look the same. She looks like a real life Stephen King cat. Straight off the pages of a horror novel but to me she will always be one of the most beautiful cats in the world.
And if you think that is crazy you should see my cat Booger. Booger has a curved spine , no tail , two back legs where in the womb his bones grew in the opposite direction so that when he walks he kinda hopes like a bunny and a frog combined. And his growth was stunted. He will always be the size of a small kitten even though he is several years old now.
But as far as how I'm personally doing.............
I think love cures just about anything. That's why I tried so hard to find friends. I may be a recluse but I can still have the love in my heart. I can find happiness in other places. And when I look inside me I know I'm the happiest when I'm changing things for the better. Saving animals lives , helping people , or just making the world a better place day by day.
Take the smallest thing that makes you happy and hold on to it with both hands as hard as you can and don't let it go. I think that's the key. Don't let yourself think about anything else. Don't think about the people that hurt you or left you when you needed them most , don't think about the people that have so much in life that others can't and they take what they have for granted , don't think about the pain or loneliness.
I'm still scared but hell I would rather be all alone than with people that never appreciated me. I know that one very filthy cat appreciates me. He matters. That matters.
I know there is still probably going to be nights where I'll cry myself to sleep but hey I survived them .... I woke up the next morning. And I will continue to keep waking up.
You know what's crazy ?? I stayed in that situation online with those people " Angie , Vicki " , and that guy , "if he is for real or not " for YEARS ....... literally years and as of today those people are totally clueless to what I'm really like inside. Deep , deep down inside of me I mean. The special part of me that makes me , " me " .... Simply because they didn't care enough to take the time to really get to know me.....
It was heartbreaking what they put me through but you know what ??? I'm to blame too. It's my fault. It's my fault because I was stupid enough to keep going back to them. A lot of the cause of the pain was from myself.
If someone hurts you shame on them , but if you keep going back letting them hurt you and taking you for granted shame on YOU.
In my heart I still don't think he was for real but who the hell really knows. One thing I do know for sure is he definitely realized for certain how badly I was hurting. There is no way that he couldn't have possibly not seen that .. He would always come back though , over and over again leading me on and making me believe that he cared... BUT every time I needed him he wouldn't be there. And he was very wrong for doing that. But like I said I'm to blame too because I let him do it to me over and over.
I just want to put as much distance between me and what "they" did to me as possible.
There are a lot of animals out there that still need my help. A lot of them could die without me. Somewhere there is another Casper , Another Pepper , another Booger. And that is the only thing I'm going to concentrate on.
There is going to be more beautiful sunsets to see , the colors of the sky to watch , the sound of the leaves , the first snowfall. I intend to make things like that the first and only priority in my life.
Maybe someday I will stumble across a real friend. But if I don't its not the end of the world. I made it this far all by myself. I'll be okay.
I always wanted that hug so damn bad but maybe someday I will find someone that needs a hug just as bad as I did and I can be the one to give it to them.
Just keep fighting that monster called depression like I said. Because at the end of every movie the monster has to be the one to die.
Always
i think the important thing is to learn from horrible memories and tell yourself to be extra careful who you trust in the future. Promise this to your brain and say 'ive learnt the lesson now so you dont need to keep replaying the memory'.
its a shame the world is like this but it is. ive learnt the hard way about trusting people as well. Sometimes people can be offended if i dont trust them but i dont care. if they're any good they will understand. theres nothing wrong with guarding yourself.
when i get a flashback,i try to centre myself and move forward telling my brain'you've alerted me to the danger, theres no need to replay the entire horrible memory'.The flashbacks are a warning. i think thats the purpose of them.
i wish you and the cats well.
its a shame the world is like this but it is. ive learnt the hard way about trusting people as well. Sometimes people can be offended if i dont trust them but i dont care. if they're any good they will understand. theres nothing wrong with guarding yourself.
when i get a flashback,i try to centre myself and move forward telling my brain'you've alerted me to the danger, theres no need to replay the entire horrible memory'.The flashbacks are a warning. i think thats the purpose of them.
i wish you and the cats well.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Yeah, I learned the hard way to protect your heart. You only have one in your whole lifetime so keep it safe. Only put your faith in those who deserve it and no matter how badly you get hurt don't ever lose sight of yourself along the way.
Tonight I slipped off to one of my favorite places. It's a little hide away in an old building shed a little ways from my house. There is a space in the tin roof of it where you can look up through and see the moon and the stars. Sometimes when I want to be alone I'll take a couple blankets out there and sit there and watch the night sky. You can hear the crickets and smell the sweet scent of grass and earth.
I remember this is where I was at when I first heard a coyote. LOL I grabbed my blankets and ran like hell to the house. But now I just sit there and listen to them. Sometimes whole packs of them come through.
It's a nice place to sit there and think about things in life. Sometimes you can see comets and shooting stars and if it rains you can just right there and be sheltered while listening to the rain patter on the roof like a lullaby.
Life is going better for me. But one thing that still bothers me is my niece. I just don't understand how people think sometimes. She is pregnant but still smokes cigarettes. When her first baby was born he was premature. The doctor stood right there and looked her literally straight in the eye and told her because of the baby's condition she could NEVER smoke around him. He told her how dangerous it would be.... and you know what ???? That girl smoked around him all of the time.
I think he was " almost " a year old when she dropped him off at my house and left him. And from a year to when he was ready to start school age he lived with me. But in the months prior to that all she did was smoke around him. When he started school and she decided it was time for him to live with her she took him back and STILL smoked around him all the time. She let her boyfriend smoke around him , she let her house guests smoke around him. He has asthma now and has to have breathing treatments all the time. And now that she is pregnant again and she is still smoking. I'm sorry but nothing looks more ignorant and disgusting than a woman with a swollen pregnant belly sucking on a cigarette.
See that's what burns my ass and rips my heart out. I love my niece don't get me wrong. But sometimes I think she is a spoiled, selfish idiot ... the thing that infuriates me is I'll never be lucky enough to have a child like she has and she puts her kid in harms way. Hell, she is putting TWO now in harms way.
Some of the things she does just blows your mind. I know she loves her son but she's clueless on how a mother should act. I know that no one has a right to tell someone how to raise their child but some things just take common sense.
I've seen her do things like go to mall and buy herself those fancy clothes , get her hair done , get her nails done and not even pay her child's lunch bill at school. My mother has paid her kids lunch bill more than she has. And the sad thing is my niece makes good money. She CAN pay it. She just doesn't. She makes him dental appointments and then doesn't even take him to them half the time. Her son's grades are slipping and she is too concerned with other things in life to help him with homework. When he was a baby she never once rocked him sleep or sang him a song or told him a bedtime story.
I think that she likes the " idea" of being a mom more than she likes the hard work and dedication that goes with it. While I was washing dishes the other night I overheard my mom talking to my dad. My mom is worried that my niece won't be devoted to this second child either.
My niece is the kind of woman that loves to take selfies of herself pregnant , puts the " I'm a Mommy " bumper sticker on her car but as as far as the dirty work of being a mom she doesn't want any part of. And that is so heartbreaking.
It's not fair because I would give anything in this world to have what she has. I've spent so much of my life being broken hearted and dreaming of what she has. And she has it right in front of her and takes it for granted all the time.
She's in her thirty's though she's by far a grown woman there isn't much you can do to change her. I just hope someday she gets a reality check and grows up a little.
I guess the only thing I can do is hope. People can change. I just hope she does soon.
Tonight as I was watching the stars and Casper was eating his supper I wondered is there really God ? And where will he lead me next in life if there is ??
I don't know.
But hey , I'm not hurting as bad as I was and THAT is what matters. I put those people I talked to online far , far behind me. I'm learning to deal with being so alone. Life is good.
Tonight I slipped off to one of my favorite places. It's a little hide away in an old building shed a little ways from my house. There is a space in the tin roof of it where you can look up through and see the moon and the stars. Sometimes when I want to be alone I'll take a couple blankets out there and sit there and watch the night sky. You can hear the crickets and smell the sweet scent of grass and earth.
I remember this is where I was at when I first heard a coyote. LOL I grabbed my blankets and ran like hell to the house. But now I just sit there and listen to them. Sometimes whole packs of them come through.
It's a nice place to sit there and think about things in life. Sometimes you can see comets and shooting stars and if it rains you can just right there and be sheltered while listening to the rain patter on the roof like a lullaby.
Life is going better for me. But one thing that still bothers me is my niece. I just don't understand how people think sometimes. She is pregnant but still smokes cigarettes. When her first baby was born he was premature. The doctor stood right there and looked her literally straight in the eye and told her because of the baby's condition she could NEVER smoke around him. He told her how dangerous it would be.... and you know what ???? That girl smoked around him all of the time.
I think he was " almost " a year old when she dropped him off at my house and left him. And from a year to when he was ready to start school age he lived with me. But in the months prior to that all she did was smoke around him. When he started school and she decided it was time for him to live with her she took him back and STILL smoked around him all the time. She let her boyfriend smoke around him , she let her house guests smoke around him. He has asthma now and has to have breathing treatments all the time. And now that she is pregnant again and she is still smoking. I'm sorry but nothing looks more ignorant and disgusting than a woman with a swollen pregnant belly sucking on a cigarette.
See that's what burns my ass and rips my heart out. I love my niece don't get me wrong. But sometimes I think she is a spoiled, selfish idiot ... the thing that infuriates me is I'll never be lucky enough to have a child like she has and she puts her kid in harms way. Hell, she is putting TWO now in harms way.
Some of the things she does just blows your mind. I know she loves her son but she's clueless on how a mother should act. I know that no one has a right to tell someone how to raise their child but some things just take common sense.
I've seen her do things like go to mall and buy herself those fancy clothes , get her hair done , get her nails done and not even pay her child's lunch bill at school. My mother has paid her kids lunch bill more than she has. And the sad thing is my niece makes good money. She CAN pay it. She just doesn't. She makes him dental appointments and then doesn't even take him to them half the time. Her son's grades are slipping and she is too concerned with other things in life to help him with homework. When he was a baby she never once rocked him sleep or sang him a song or told him a bedtime story.
I think that she likes the " idea" of being a mom more than she likes the hard work and dedication that goes with it. While I was washing dishes the other night I overheard my mom talking to my dad. My mom is worried that my niece won't be devoted to this second child either.
My niece is the kind of woman that loves to take selfies of herself pregnant , puts the " I'm a Mommy " bumper sticker on her car but as as far as the dirty work of being a mom she doesn't want any part of. And that is so heartbreaking.
It's not fair because I would give anything in this world to have what she has. I've spent so much of my life being broken hearted and dreaming of what she has. And she has it right in front of her and takes it for granted all the time.
She's in her thirty's though she's by far a grown woman there isn't much you can do to change her. I just hope someday she gets a reality check and grows up a little.
I guess the only thing I can do is hope. People can change. I just hope she does soon.
Tonight as I was watching the stars and Casper was eating his supper I wondered is there really God ? And where will he lead me next in life if there is ??
I don't know.
But hey , I'm not hurting as bad as I was and THAT is what matters. I put those people I talked to online far , far behind me. I'm learning to deal with being so alone. Life is good.
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