stuck

[destructing123]

I will try to explain this and try to make it as short as i can. I am extremely depressed. I can't say i have never been depressed before,but it has not been a regular occurence. From what i am figuring out though now i never really got too far down because i always had something filling me up like drinking, relationships ,smoking,video games ect.. ever since i was very young. I currently just ended a relationship with a guy that i still love and still want to be with because it would never work, we were together for over 5 years it was a long distance relationship so we spent a lot of time online together and the whole time i was in the relationship that i just ended i was also already in a relationship with another guy and i lived with him the whole time and have been with this person i live with for almost 15 years , i care about this person i am with but this person has disappointed me greatly from his own lack of ability to function due to his own depression, he is a heavy pot smoker and i have done way more than my share of supporting us while he attends college , at which he fails classes regularly.Of course i have felt serious guilt for doing this to the guy i live with. I am devastated , i don't have any friends to talk to , i have not had any friends basically since around when i got with the guy i live with. I have a vicious cycle that i have gone through since i first started having relationships, that i always fall in love with someone else at some point and usually leave the person i am with for someone else, i also tend to blow my friends off to spend time with whoever i am with.I quit drinking about 5 years ago which was one of the things i did that filled me up for many years a lot and on a regular bases i went out almost every night, i just quit smoking like 2 years ago. I took up running and started eating really well when i quit smoking, but now since the end of this relationship i can't seem to do anything good for myself. I can't find anything i can do that can keep me from crying every 5 min. I can't sleep, if i eat i am sick, when its time to wake up for work for some reason that's the only time i can sleep, i have also stopped running .I just want to die or just sleep until i am over this. I am all out of addictions and feel very alone.I keep wanting to contact the guy i just ended the relationship with but this had to end for both of our best interest. I feel like i am obsessed with thoughts of him, but i know its not him i need. The real issue is i have a big gaping whole i have inside that i don't know where to start to fill in a healthy way. I feel like i am going to lose it and lose every thing very soon. I have to hide my sadness from the guy i am living with.I have thoughts about suicide , but not drastically , like if i was sure i could do it and had the means and it was painless.I don't really want to die , i just want to be ok and function again.I feel so sick and sad and lonely.I have been thinking i should get some professional help because i just seem to get worse as time passes, but i don't want drugs and that seems like what i hear all the doctors do these days. Is there still just like therapy with no drugs? I have insurance that will cover it i think, i want to call and see , but me and the guy i live with now share a car and he will know and i don't know if i want to go there. I am just stuck and can't move.I am definitely starting to feel its effecting my physical health , mainly because i was very healthy. Thanks for reading this and thanks if you have any advice.