help me understand

[koci1980]

Where do I start I suffer from depression and anxiety and insomnia this is because of my father and mother u see my mother was only ever selfish she new how bad my dad was but she still left us in his hands when I was 7 along with my 3 younger sisters I will never forget the first night she left as that was when I was told I was the eldest and had to now be a mummy that was also the first night my dad raped me and I had to share his bed until we all went into care when I was 11 my dad stopped xmas and birthdays and beat us daily I remember always being hungry too then when I was in care I just rebelled and was well into drugs and homeless by 16 then I got into a very bad domestic relationship this man was every bit like my dad and that is the only love I knew so I let this man beat me rape me in fact almost kill me now my life is different I dont do drugs I have 3 children and I am married my husband doesn't understand or support me emotionally whatsoever so here I am today I cut to punish myself I tried to kill myself 4 times last year I am on meds and I am getting help from the mental health team but I am still unsure as to wether I can make it in this life I just feel alone and afraid so there u have it my life in short

[St8arrow]

Where do I start I suffer from depression and anxiety and insomnia this is because of my father and mother u see my mother was only ever selfish she new how bad my dad was but she still left us in his hands when I was 7 along with my 3 younger sisters I will never forget the first night she left as that was when I was told I was the eldest and had to now be a mummy that was also the first night my dad raped me and I had to share his bed until we all went into care when I was 11 my dad stopped xmas and birthdays and beat us daily I remember always being hungry too then when I was in care I just rebelled and was well into drugs and homeless by 16 then I got into a very bad domestic relationship this man was every bit like my dad and that is the only love I knew so I let this man beat me rape me in fact almost kill me now my life is different I dont do drugs I have 3 children and I am married my husband doesn't understand or support me emotionally whatsoever.

From Myself

I have to congratulate you on having the courage to endure all of this horror and still be alive to tell us about it. Where is your warped father right now? If he is still alive, he should be in jail.

From Koci 1980

--- so here I am today. I cut to punish myself.

From Myself

You must do whatever it takes to stop blaming yourself for your behavior. True it is up to you to change things for the better but who among us, but a very few, could endure what you have endured and still be stress free to the point of being able to enjoy life?

This monster that masquerades as your father is 99.99% to blame for your problems, not you. Hold your head up high. You have survived this horror and have the courage to come into this site and tell us the unvarnished truth. Don't harm yourself any longer. You simply do not deserve it. Trust me, I know what I am talking about.

There are others on this site that engage in cutting also. Hopefully they will come in here and tell you how they overcame it. Something tells me that their stories will incorporate some of, or all of the ideas that I have listed above. Don't be surprised if those who have lived through this kind of phase in their lifetime have even better advice to offer you than I am giving to you at this time. After all, I never did deliberately cut myself, but there is a branch of psychology that says that some accidents are actually "cutting" masquerading as an accident.

From Koci1980

I tried to kill myself 4 times last year. I am on meds and I am getting help from the mental health team but I am still unsure as to whether I can make it in this life I just feel alone and afraid so there u have it my life in short

Keep posting into this website. We just might be able to help you on a deeper level than you might otherwise believe is possible. Give us a try. I think you will like us.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

koci,

Hello and welcome to the forums. Just so you know, we are not professional. We don't have training or degrees. That is not allowed here. We are all the same as you. Dealing with life and depression, anxiety, etc. We give support and understanding. Peer to peer support. Don't want you thinking otherwise.

We also have a chat room connected with this forum. Lots of people there the same as we, so please feel free to join in and chat. Very caring people about.

Warmsoul