Azalea's story

[azalea]

Just a little background information about me. I'm almost 25 and a junior in college. I should of graduated this year but my depression/anxiety combo kept holding me back. I will graduate in about 2.5 years. My depression has a major impact on my life and well being. I truly believe that if I never experienced depression my life would be 100% different. I've fully been able to pursue my dreams because of my fears and constant sadness.

On a happier note I've started to take charge of my life and my depression by slowly trying new things like taking exercise classes and befriending people in my classes.

My earliest memory of my depression is about 4 years old. I was really ahead in my cognitive development and I could understand and process things that most children couldn't. I always just felt sad and empty. I could never discuss it with my parents because they would flip out on me. I spent most of my childhood alone. My mom had me at 19 and divorced my dad by 20. She was a single mom without any resources or family to help us so we lived in poverty. My dad left the picture when I was 5 by taking a job 3 hours away from me. At that time my mom had my brother by a different man and once again was a single mom but now with two kids. My mom decided to have a great social life and to attend college full time while raising us. I was shipped off to my grandparents house over 50% of the time from the ages 5-13. I don't have a lot of memories of my mom when I was younger. I would visit my dad once a year over the summer because he could not afford to travel home and miss work to see me. My grandparents were both in their late 70s and as amazing as they were it didn't make up for me not having parents.

My depression hit a whole new level at the beginning of my teens. I had suicidal thoughts at 10. I started cutting at 12. I was made fun in school for being poor and my parents both remarried which caused a lot of stress. I struggled throughout my teens and at 18 I thought it was finally over. At that time I already had two suicide attempts under my belt and my cutting stopped. So I thought I was free.

My depression lowered for a few years and it wasn't a major problem until about three years ago. I failed out of my major and I wasn't really working so all I had was time to think. I started a new school and new life. I joined a sorority and I had friends and a social life for once. But they turned their back on me because I was experiencing anxiety and depression and kicked me out. After that everything was a downward spiral. I wasn't functioning very well and did attend school for three semesters.

My depression came back in full force last March. I started feeling hopeless, staying in bed all the time, not wanting social contact, cutting, and having suicidal thoughts. My longterm boyfriend wasn't aware of the full affect of my issues. He tries to be supportive but it doesn't help. I finally started anti-depressants last summer. I started with Celexa but it gave me anxiety attacks and migraines. I went to Zoloft and felt crazy and my migraines returned. I started Wellbutrin at the beginning of April and while I can feel it working in certain ways it's a double edged swore because there is a awful part to it. I once again started cutting and having suicidal thoughts. Now I'm having panic attacks at least once a day. I cry all the time and for hours on end.

All I think about is how I'm a failure in life and how much I want to die and would anyone even care? I think my boyfriend thinks I'm doing this for attention ( he would never admit that and I could be wrong ) because last week I was very close to attempting suicide and I told him and he didn't take me seriously. He really has no idea on how to act and treat someone with depression and he isn't malicious or an awful person. He wants me to go back to the doctor but I can't lose the Wellbutrin it's the only thing helping my ibs. I have destructive thoughts all the time now.


I don't know why I've struggled so much with this. Is it because of my upbringing? Is it a fear of abandonment? Is it a chemical issue? Am I ever going to get better?

Sorry if this was kind of dark.

[dd-va]

azaela, Thank you for sharing your story here, I know how difficult that can be. *hugs* to you, keep fighting and reaching out.

[nlgalloway]

Azalea - how tough your life has been! You have overcome so much, and against such odds.
I agree that you should go back to the doctor & try a different anti-depressant. There are so many now, & each quite different. Also, please have your thyroid checked. If it isn't functioning well - and a simple blood test will show that - it does have quite an effect on your mental well-being.
Keep fighting - it does get better.

[azalea]

Thank you for posting.

Since I posted this I've been doing a tiny bit better which is a step up. I think my body is starting to adjust to the wellbutrin. I do have an underactive thyroid and I take medicine daily for that. I haven't been crying everyday and my suicidal thoughts have decreased about 70%. I'm still struggling to get out of bed and not sleep all the time but for now it's baby steps.