Breaking through

[SandraN.]

Today was a little intense for me I felt as if I was about to break through this barrier. I met up with a friend of mine and she is leaving in 4 days to Europe and staying this holiday through on out till beginning of next year. She put me in a tough spot today, she begged me to go with her to meet up with these two guys. I was thinking today was more of our day, but she shoved this in my face. I went because I didn't want to be mean, but I can't be this person anymore it's making me sick. I can't be her friend anymore she chose guys over me in an instant. I am coming into realization that I am my own person and don't need to use her as a security blanket. I had enough, I need to grow and be who I really am with her she is always trying to compete and be in control. I just need a real and sensual friend who actually cares about me as much as i care about them. I cried so much today, I cried driving home after hanging out with her. I cry because I have no one and I'm lonely in a world so cold. I reject guys because of this guy who hurt me in the past. I have trust issues, but lately I have been noticing I am unfolding slowly and this friend of mine blocks it out completely with her sense of control and competition kind of empowering and taking pleasure of control with me. It has made me feel empty and lost, I stood up today I said goodbye and I won't turn back. I need a someone who will understand me and care as much as I will for them without any doubt and having satisfaction in our relation. Life is about growing and learning : ) I try to look on the good side but sometimes it crashes down on me like a thunder bolt out of nowhere. Now i am depressed but there is still something in me wanting to fight so i guess im not too deep in the whole. How do you feel?

[Obayan]

Hi. Did your friend know that you expected it to be just the two of you? A last outting so to speak before she leaves for the next 2-3 weeks? That could have made a difference. Was she aware of just how dependant on the relationship you are and that even just 2-3 weeks apart is devestating for you? She might have been a bit more supportive. I know for myself, i can be falling to pieces and screaming inside but i'm very adapt at hiding it from the world around me. Unless I speak up, those around me may not notice.