anguish

[marissasmith]

Monday, August 15, 2011
Things started to feel bad on the 13th. Ended up going to the hospital for mental health reasons, I was feeling so confined and smothered by everyone. I asked my sister to maybe come over and shower mom. She couldn’t because of her hours. Joe has been sleeping a lot I know if he wasn’t in bad shape he would at least try. My dad, aunts, uncle I feel like they don’t care about us. Dr Vanmeter was the doc on call he gave me Rx of Ativan seems to relax me. I still can’t stop worrying and feeling depressed and worse suicidal. I’m hoping that later on today 10:40am my appointment with the Dr. will help me with getting on medications.
Last night 8pm mom didn’t look good so I asked how she was feeling. She was said, “My head is hurting”. I took her blood pressure, it was 210/130. I called the Dr. Rehman. He directed me to take mom to the hospital. She is admitted. Hopefully they find what is wrong with her. But it has put a stress on me. One more thing I have to worry about. You don’t get admitted to a hospital because your ok.
I am so stressed I can’t sleep. It isn’t just mom, but Joe doesn’t feel good either. His depression has gotten worse. Joe has turned to smoking not weed, but herbal stuff. I told him I don’t like the smell and I am scard and I don’t want him smoking any more. Joe mentioned today that he was going to stop and that he didn’t want to have a addiction problem. Joe and I don’t have any passion between us. No sex, kisses I have to ask for and sometimes he doesn’t want them. I hug him and sometimes I don’t get a response back from him. Joe isn’t taking his medications. I have been asking him and he response no. Joe isn’t working. Joe claims if he goes back to working that he feel like he will have a mental break down. I can’t say how he feels inside. Joe did apply for SSD. Joe has to learn to things on his own without someone always holding his hand. His mother sheltered him and did all his paper work and fixed all his problems for him. From what Joe tells me she was collecting SSD for Joe and he didn’t know. His mother disabled him. I can’t always be there for him. Especially right now I don’t know if I can hold up much longer even with the new support I have been given. I told him today that he isn’t satisfying me. I need more from my life partner then what he is giving me. I feel bad about it. He doesn’t have a lot. He has his mom but I think she makes his depression worse. His mother puts him down a lot. I asked if he would go back to his mother and Joe said; “no”. Joes’ mom decided to find his father this year and bring him to their house at the time. Joe remembered nothing good about his father. It was 23 years since he saw his dad Joe is now 27. His dad makes him worry a lot by the things he says. I wish that his parents could be more supporting. I laughed this morning. Joe was scard to tell his mom and dad that he didn’t go to court this month for a speeding ticket they both knew about. Joe gave in and told his mother. Joes’ mother told his father. Both parents tell him he is going to jail. Joe starts to freak out. I become distressed and tried to explain to Joe that we contacted the court and did what they ask him to do. He explained that to his parents they kept going even after he explained to them what he did. Joe was falling apart right along with me. So now I am trying to calm him, make dinner so mom could eat and make sure mom gets into a shower, and takes her medications, trying to get a second to unwind (which hasn’t happen yet) take my medications, clean up and feed the animals. All the while I feel dieing. I feel like a mother more than a partner to Joe or a child to my mother..
I am so angry, sad, sick with anxiety past few days. The flash backs and remembering how much I have been through feel like they are sitting on my shoulder. Voices of people I can’t forgive running through my head. People like Dail, Linda, Dad, Mom, Sister, Police officers, So many people. Angry with all of it. I wish I could have a life. I hate being stuck in my house all day. I have no money, I been sick for months now. I’m only 24 and feel like has come to the end.
I hit Joe a few time this week. A few minutes ago I almost hit him Instead I yelled into a pillow. I am listening to music but it isn’t helping too much. I want to go in my back room and scream a little more. I don’t know if it will work and it is 3:36am. I’d get in trouble or yelled at by my cousin living upstairs. I tried holding my kittens did no good.
I can’t find relief. I have pain in my back from the spinal stenosis, and my toe from the infection and the toe nail removal. Diabetes out of control, and everything else.. I am in Anguish! Anguish is what I am feeling I think agony, torment, tortured.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hi marissasmith,

First welcome to the site. I hope you find some calming from being able to share your thoughts.

Have you tried our depression chat room? Lots of people to actually talk with, understanding and caring members I must say.

My thoughts and prayers come your way, hope that is all right.

Warmsoul