Yet another clump of flotsam in the river of life

[Dandom Curiosity]

Greetings all around! I hope everything is well with any who are reading this. My name is Dan. Ive been wrestling with depression (apparently) and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but these past couple years have seen a particularly low state of being. Before recently, I wouldn't have believed I was even depressed. After all, I never really felt sad or bummed about anything except for short times after things you'd expect: breakups and whatnot. But come to find out, depression is more than a stronger-magnitude sad and I'm still learning; about it and about how it affected me in my past.

If only it had stayed back there... and the anxiety with it. At least I always knew about the anxiety. I used to even have it pretty much mastered. But life seems to have a way of slowly breaking people who aren't properly prepared for it, or aren't yet strong enough to bear its suffering. I think I may have been both.

Either way, I've been pretty miserable much of my life, but fortunately nothing truly horrible caused it. No physical abuse (but plenty of emotional), no... well I won't list all the horrible things that happen to people. Just a 7-year long dose of emotional abuse begun at age 10 followed by a steady drip of average-level unpleasantness with a few scattered traumas throughout. Like I said, nothing too bad.

But about four years ago, I became so emotionally tired that I shut down. I gave up looking for work and moved back to family out of state. Briefly revitalized, I landed a good job and a shared two-bedroom apartment. I had only done so well one other time. But I got tired again real fast when the company was run badly and rejected new ideas. Soon my performance fell and eventually I was fired. I had only lasted a year and a half, my second-longest span of employment. Also my last.

I had to fall back on family again shortly, but quickly bounced back with plans to reunite with friends up north in OR. I drove up with my savings, intent on quickly finding a cheap apartment and a job, sleeping on my friend's couch in the meantime. But I was unsuccessful and my money soon ran out. And then I shut down again. Although at this point, I was simply not functioning as a person anymore, and started suffering frequent anxiety attacks. Anything that would have made me slightly nervous before was now giving me attacks. Even thinking seriously about a situation was enough to do it.

And it took eight months of that before I gave up entirely and went back to Mom in CA, completely exhausted and broken. She and her husband took me in, got me on meds to stop the attacks (mostly worked, too) and although I tried explaining the state I was in, Mom didn't really understand. All she saw was a son who was out of work, in need but perhaps unwilling to actually do anything. And so I spent a year not living up to their expectations, and being barely welcome. And all I wanted was a safe place to rest a while. But that was exactly the sort of help they refused to give. I needed to be moving forward! Doing something! They had lists. It wasn't a smooth year.

I spent a couple periods of time living in cheap motels when my welcome with Mom's husband wore out (paid for by a sympathetic Mom), and that was as close to peace as I found. But still I remained shut down. I only ever went out for food or occasionally to see my younger brother, who can relate more than the rest of my family. But he doesn't really know the worst of it.

Which is where I find myself tonight. I didn't intend to write so much, and I apologize for the tedium if you're still reading. I suppose it happens a lot here, right? Well, an "almost-done" thank you just the same.

So here I sit, in another cheap motel, about to be homeless and too crippled by anxiety and depression to even take care of myself. I hesitate to demonstrate how incapable I am for fear of complete embarrassment, because even I find it disgusting and pitiful. I suppose it isn't unheard of and noone here knows me, so what the hell... The thing is, the only time I can get myself to even shower is when I have to go out and and can't avoid people. Tends to average out to once a week. I told you: disgusting and pathetic. I just can't seem to get up the strength to force myself.

And now I have to focus on getting a job and a place to live when I can't even do the simplest things. I'm not even functioning as a human being and I have little time left. How do I snap out of this hell so I can get things done? Is it even possible to snap out of it at all? I can't even muster up the last-minute-panic energy to draw on. I feel completely tapped just keeping myself from having a mental episode or some other variety of breakdown. I suppose the upside is I still have some sanity to lose, right? And at least I'm not suicidal. I pray I never become that weak. But I'm still screwed. I know, I know... gotta defeat that defeatist attitude...

*Hesitantly presses "Submit"*

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Dan,

Welcome to the forums. Read all you typed, and you have endured a lot. Is there a clinic that you can go to, perhaps get some help there?

We have a support chat room, have you tried going into it and talked with the chatters. There are many and they have gone through a lot. It is good to be able to talk to others that feel, deal and live as we do.

Hope to see you continue posting.

Warmsoul

[Dandom Curiosity]

Warmsoul-

Thanks for the response. I thought I'd wake up today and totally regret posting all that, but I don't yet. I'm sure there is a walk-in clinic or two that can see me, and hopefully something helpful will come of it when I go. As for the chat rooms here, I plan on swinging by there after posting this.

Again, thanks for the warm welcome. I'm sure I'll see you around.

Dan

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Dan )))))))))))))))

A win situation for you, I hope. Is for me for you are now part of this family.

Warmie