The story of why I am here.....its pretty long

[greneuges]

Well its taken me a lot to come here and share my story. But im kind of at an all time low and don't really know how much more i can take. I don't really have any real friends that i can talk to about this stuff, and when i try to talk to my family about it they just tell me get over it and quit sulking. So here goes forgive me if i ramble but i need to talk to someone and get this out there.

I am 32 years old. I live in a small town of about 1500 people. I am divorced about 5 years now. Thats not the problem though, don't get me wrong it was the hardest thing i ever went through untill recently. But me and her have patched our relationship up to where we are actually pretty decent friends these days and have forgiven each other for all the wrongs and pain we caused each other. Don't get me wrong our retlationship over all was fantastic. We had great communication, we had things in common, and the relatioins of the relationship were fantastic. We just couldn't live together and the few differences we had in personality types didn't mesh well. Well after the divorce I got depressed and went out drinking and partying and doing things single 20somethings do. I was single about 3 months and met a girl. We moved rather quickly she was a divorcee and had 2 kids and we had alot in common and just clicked. We had a fairly rocky 3 year relationship that ended very badly. And it was not just her fault. I probably was more at fault due to the fact that I don't know if i ever really loved her. It started out as just a void being filled and kept telling my self i would be happy with her and fall in love with her through time. Even convinced myself that I did. Well due to her past abusive husband and my up and down emotional state she got depressed never felt loved etc. I ended up breaking up with her the night before her daughters 4th birthday party. It was not a good time or a good scene. But i had slipped into a depression and felt like if i didn't do it that second it wouldn't go way. Well I was single for the better share of 6 months.....then me and her tried to patch things up and that lasted about a week and we mutually walked away from it. There was nothing there for either of us. I stayed single for about another 6 months. Was actually at a very good place in my life. Probably the best i ever had been . In that time i took many steps to make sure i was happry for me first and fixing my shortcommings and being happy with just being me and making myself happy so that when i did meet "her" i could give it my all.

So in April of this year through a mutual friend I was introduced to "her" We hung out in a small group a few times and there was a very instant connection. She was a little different than most women im attracted too. She was very independant and not needy and had a way of calling people on their BS that i had never seen before and respected her immensly for it. Well one meeting led to another and another and a date and the first kiss, the first overnight stay etc. You know the drill. Well we ended up working together for a few weeks. i don't want to go into specifics as to keep things a little annonamous but we worked together for about 5 weeks it was just a temp part time job for me. We spent alot of time together in that time. Well one of those nights the friend that had introduced us to each other texted me and asked how it was going. Well i meant to respond to his text but accidently responded to one of hers she sent earlier. My response was "I am falling very hard, I am going to marry this one." I was mortified when i realized i sent it to her by mistake. I thought i had scared her off. To my surprise though she was very flattered. That was the first night i told her to her face i loved her. We were laying in bed and i was staring into her eyes and she said what are you thinking right now. I said it would scare the crap out of you. Shes like i know what your thinking i want to hear you say it. So i did. Things moved insanely fast from there though. within a month we were living together. MY life was perfect. I finally found her someone i could be me all the time around and didn't have to fake anything. We just clicked in every sense of the word. She has 3 amazing kids whom i became quickly attached too. they became attached to me as well. Life was grand we were texting back and forth all day everyday spending tons of time together it was the best. Then just like that it all stopped on her end. no explination no nothing. I shook it off thinking ahhhh bad week at work she will snap out of it. She never did. We talked several times about it and ultimately after 2 months of living together she moved out. It destroyed my world. I was lost alone and depressed. No closure missing and loving her and missing and loving her kids. Well due to her job i have to see her once a week. It has not been easy. It really messes me up even now when i see her. I sent her flowers a few times etc. It just made things worse. Well finally after one paticulary stupid night where i got really drunk and we got into an argument we finally sat down and had the talk the next day where she leveled with me. Basically i was told we moved to quickly and i was more or less her rebound and She was sorry and I didn't deserve any of this and it was all her fault. Tears and a hug were shared and then she left. I should also mention in that time when things were good we talked about buying a home together and actually started the process, she gave me a ring and said if and when you get ready to ask me something use this (thats a long story in itself but given its meaning i was floored single handedly the nicest thing any one person has ever done for me) So now here I am alone and depressed getting drunk alot, dabbling in other things not knowing how to het her out of my heart. Its been 2 months since she moved out. I love her dearly and would do anything for her. I would go through it all again for the chance to try to change it for the better. We talk regularly and she says she cares about me and even does things that show me that. But its not enough for me and its kickin my butt. WE are so great together and she admits it too but shes terrified of comittment. I dunno I just need some help or support. I try to stay busy but every morning shes the first thing i think of and every night the last thing i think about before sleep and alot of what i think about inbetween. Ill comment more later but i gotta stop for a bit now Im at work and reliving this has kind of got me going into a breakdown.

[greneuges]

ok so i have pulled myself together enough to continue. Basically i don't know how to let her go or how to deal with this. IN recent weeks with the talks and stuff we have had I know she cares, and I know she didn't mean to do this to me. I have seen both sides of her. That sweet loving caring side and this cold side that just seems to be able to shut all feeling off becuase she can't deal with the situation that she had a very big hand in causeing. Im terrified that I will never feel the way I felt about her with anyone else. Im 32 i want to be in a successful long lasting relationship i want to be married again. I want kids. I would like to do this before Im to old and decrepit to do so. I feel this beast growing inside of me. It gets a bit bigger every day. When I met her i was happier than i have ever been. I was me for the first time in many years. I am tired of having to pick the pieces up. i don't know how many more times i can pick myself out of the dirt and move on. And how does someone I have only known since april have such a strong hold on my heart and why do i refuse to let it go? Am in denial? IDK much about anything anymore. I just know it has to change and it has to at least start changing soon or its going to end poorly for me.

[crystalgaze]

Hello greneuges!

Hhmm.... Let's see.... Yeah, you really need to repair you....

The only thing I can think of right now is to say yourself, "It didn't work.... It's okay. Right now, I will take care of me. I'm backing off from the situation to take care of me."

When I used to think about people I no longer see, I told myself, "No..." Even with someone I am around now, I tell myself, "No..." The "No" is a very soft gentle "No". That's how I started to take back control.

No, it's not anything more than what it is. It's not anything in particular.

I believe I fell hard as well at 1 point recently, & have stopped obsessing about that person. My golden rule for people now is: Let it be reciprocal (or as close to that as possible). I take my time to sit down & process it, so I am not fooled or don't start thinking/feeling things I shouldn't so I don't get myself all worked up over nothing.

What also helped me was that I accepted that it just will not be what I want it to be. I was able to do this over the course of about 1 year--maybe a little less, like 8 months or so.

I guard myself better now, & even when he is "nice" to me, I know that it's just surface.

Wishing you a time soon of more control!

[Obayan]

Hi. Welcome to the forums. It sounds like you have a tendency to get into relationships rather quickly. The newness of a relationship is great. That's why it's called the "honeymoon" phase. But once the newness wears off, that's when we really get to know someone. This can take months or even a year. But i do understand how you feel. I lost my hubby of 22 years not too long ago. It's hard to deal with the loss of love in your life. But it does get better as time goes by. There's that word again.... time. It takes time to build a relationship. And time to get past one that has gone wrong. Take the time that you have and work on being ok with who you are hon. And know we are here for you.

[greneuges]

well this week has been one of the harder weeks. really really up and down