There is a deep darkness lingering in me, as the day comes to a close. I finally understand what one of my biggest problems is, and it is that I am largely unsuspecting of people and thus end up crushed beneath someone's shoe.
Always I believe that my eyes or ears will keep me out of harm's way. That's true mostly, but then I mess up or don't pay attention to/forget/disregard/push aside the messages and end up hurt.
More than any illness, I get the feeling that this more than anything else will kill me. I wonder why I seem unable to adjust my behavior, so that I can stop banging my head on the same immovable wall. I am tired and obviously I know what is wrong.
At this point I am not sure what my options are. Can I seriously give up the world? Because.... That is what I feel that it will entail for me to keep myself together.
It is not due to depression or mood swings or whatever why I don't like the things I do not bother with anymore. Those disguise and distract me from the real issue, which is pain--pain that doesn't seem to go away, no matter how I face.
What else must I do, I wonder? I have been unable to stand up and seriously sing the way I believe I still might be able to, due to pain--not even when I'm all by myself. I have faced it, in times past, no, many times past. However, I am unable to do anything with whatever talent I may have had and unfortunately, the bottom line still silently remains that the people who hurt me have won.
Whether that victory is permanent or temporary, it is too early to know yet exactly. I can almost believe that regardless of what I do, I will still be nothing, as well as forgotten, when all is said and done.
The question still remains: Will I be able to find strength to give up the world? I don't have an answer yet, but I know I must come up with one soon.
Then.... What can I look forward to becoming so as to cope better? Will I have that type of control? Hhmm....
Flawed Approach to Life/Hamartia (Please Overlook)
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crystalgaze
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((((((((((crystalgaze))))))))))
Feeling hopeless is a common theme amongst all of us. You are not alone. Like Obayan said, "there are options". We just cannot see the options in the particular moment or span of time. I was told recently, that what I see or feel, will pass and the options will become visiable. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. I know how hard it is to find someone to really listen. We are all here for you.
My thoughts are with you. (((BIG HUGS)))
pablos
Feeling hopeless is a common theme amongst all of us. You are not alone. Like Obayan said, "there are options". We just cannot see the options in the particular moment or span of time. I was told recently, that what I see or feel, will pass and the options will become visiable. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. I know how hard it is to find someone to really listen. We are all here for you.
My thoughts are with you. (((BIG HUGS)))
pablos
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crystalgaze
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- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
((((((((((((((((((( Obayan and Pablos))))))))))))))))))))) ^_^
It was really strange how shortly after I wrote the original post, I ended up at a bar--seemed like a decent bar--where they were doing karaoke. What I thought was pretty funny was that no one likes to dance when the light is on in the bar. (The bar is on the water's edge.) This guy who called himself "Lewis" sang a song by the Backstreet Boys, and I thought it was really inspiring.
Oh yeah.... I don't remember the name of that Backstreet song exactly, but it goes: I don't care who you are, where you're from, [and?] what you did, as long as you love.... Who you are... (Who you are, where you're from).... blah blah blah Maybe it's called "As Long as You Love Me".....
I didn't have the courage to actually go in the bar itself, but I was tempted to sing for that one moment. I wasn't really in the mood to actually enter the bar, and I didn't feel appropriately dressed. (I had on my dressier baggy jeans and a polo type baggy shirt.)
Also, I found out I CANNOT drink rum punch or rum at all... I took a few sips of that stuff and was all rubbery.....
I believe I might have already given up the world--at least temporarily. At this point, I can only hope it will be permanent.
It was really strange how shortly after I wrote the original post, I ended up at a bar--seemed like a decent bar--where they were doing karaoke. What I thought was pretty funny was that no one likes to dance when the light is on in the bar. (The bar is on the water's edge.) This guy who called himself "Lewis" sang a song by the Backstreet Boys, and I thought it was really inspiring.
Oh yeah.... I don't remember the name of that Backstreet song exactly, but it goes: I don't care who you are, where you're from, [and?] what you did, as long as you love.... Who you are... (Who you are, where you're from).... blah blah blah Maybe it's called "As Long as You Love Me".....
I didn't have the courage to actually go in the bar itself, but I was tempted to sing for that one moment. I wasn't really in the mood to actually enter the bar, and I didn't feel appropriately dressed. (I had on my dressier baggy jeans and a polo type baggy shirt.)
Also, I found out I CANNOT drink rum punch or rum at all... I took a few sips of that stuff and was all rubbery.....
I believe I might have already given up the world--at least temporarily. At this point, I can only hope it will be permanent.
A song I keep in my mind that keeps me searching for more in my life goes like this.... "I've been to neece and the isle of greece while i sipped champagne on a yacht... moved like Harlow in monte carla and showed em what i got... I've been undressed by kings and i've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see... I've been to paradise, but i've never been to me." Well, i've never been to me either. But now I've started a journey. And I think I'm learning a lot more importance in things along the way than I will when i reach the end of that journey. Please don't give up. There is so much out there in the world and a lot of it is good.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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((((((((((((((( crystalgaze )))))))))))))
This line you wrote, jumped out at me. They win, ONLY if you allow them to do so. Listen to what your mind and heart is saying to you. Be true to yourself.
We will be here, support you and continue caring, never forget that.
Warmie
the bottom line still silently remains that the people who hurt me have won.
This line you wrote, jumped out at me. They win, ONLY if you allow them to do so. Listen to what your mind and heart is saying to you. Be true to yourself.
We will be here, support you and continue caring, never forget that.
Warmie
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
((((((((((((( Warmie ))))))))))) : )
Let's see....
"Giving up the world" has seemed to have helped.... It is a bit hard and it's not as bad as I thought.... (It wouldn't be life if it weren't hard.)
It's a sort of "it's all okay" kind of approach.... I wish I remembered the other part of it.... When I remember, I'll put it on here....
The highlight of this week was when I stared someone in the face who had done me wrong. Let's call it silent confrontation.
I didn't have to say anything. He proceeded to give me a BS line, and that's when I knew he knew. It's okay, though; he doesn't have to ever worry about me again or think that he will have an opportunity to do me wrong again.
It's all good.
Let's see....
"Giving up the world" has seemed to have helped.... It is a bit hard and it's not as bad as I thought.... (It wouldn't be life if it weren't hard.)
It's a sort of "it's all okay" kind of approach.... I wish I remembered the other part of it.... When I remember, I'll put it on here....
The highlight of this week was when I stared someone in the face who had done me wrong. Let's call it silent confrontation.
I didn't have to say anything. He proceeded to give me a BS line, and that's when I knew he knew. It's okay, though; he doesn't have to ever worry about me again or think that he will have an opportunity to do me wrong again.
It's all good.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
It was brave... I think it was out of recklessness.... There was another factor, which was: "Go in there and get what it is you want and need from that person [and leave the rest.]"
If I get rid of every person who has done me wrong, I may end up with no one. There is also a lady I know, who once said, "Kill them with kindness."
Well.... I'm NOT looking to kill anyone per se.... I'm just trying to get things to work for me, and sometimes it involves stooping to conquer.
How I did it... I'm not sure I can even tell you where I got the guts to do it. I just did what I usually do: be pleasant, smile and don't show an evil face. When I was done, it was definitely an "eat your heart out" kind of performance.
I call it a performance, but I was not acting. I had no need to act because I was not the 1 who did wrong.
There was another factor, which was: "Go in there and get what it is you want and need from that person [and leave the rest.]"
If I get rid of every person who has done me wrong, I may end up with no one. There is also a lady I know, who once said, "Kill them with kindness."
Well.... I'm NOT looking to kill anyone per se.... I'm just trying to get things to work for me, and sometimes it involves stooping to conquer.
How I did it... I'm not sure I can even tell you where I got the guts to do it. I just did what I usually do: be pleasant, smile and don't show an evil face. When I was done, it was definitely an "eat your heart out" kind of performance.
I call it a performance, but I was not acting. I had no need to act because I was not the 1 who did wrong.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
((((((((((((((( Crystal ))))))))))))))))))
Killing someone with kindness, simply don't lower yourself to their standards. Be true to yourself, treat others as you wish to be treated.
You handled the situation that way:
No we can't get rid of everyone in our lives that have hurt us, we won't forget, we will be more cautious and along the way we learn who we can truly trust and believe in. I have found that count is small. That's all right, would rather have a few true friends, then tons of the 'other'.
If things work for you as you do them, then good!
Thanks again, for your posting, your friendship, you.
Warmie
Killing someone with kindness, simply don't lower yourself to their standards. Be true to yourself, treat others as you wish to be treated.
You handled the situation that way:
I just did what I usually do: be pleasant, smile and don't show an evil face. When I was done, it was definitely an "eat your heart out" kind of performance.
No we can't get rid of everyone in our lives that have hurt us, we won't forget, we will be more cautious and along the way we learn who we can truly trust and believe in. I have found that count is small. That's all right, would rather have a few true friends, then tons of the 'other'.
If things work for you as you do them, then good!
Thanks again, for your posting, your friendship, you.
Warmie
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