I have no idea what is wrong with me

[Generallyscrewed]

I have had a good life. I met an awesome girl in my mid 20's, fell in love, got married, and I have a wonderful 1 year old son. Money is tight, but that isnt anything new. I dont even stress about it. Work takes a mental toll on me, but I dont think that is any diffrent than anyone else really. But for the past couple of years I have had this sadness following me around that I just cannot shake off me. The worst part of it is I know what is causing it, and I cannot seperate myself from the cause. About 3 years ago I started having feelings for my neice (my brother in laws daughter, no blood relation). The feeling is not even sexual or anything like that. I have no other way to describe it than... I am in love with her. It weird but it feels wrong just to type that. I am getting close to 30 and she is only 15 years old. What is wrong with me? I have tried to bury this thing but it will not go away. I am scared to death that I am becoming a pedophile or something. I dont chase after her, flirt with her, or even express how I feel about this to anyone. I have prayed to take this thing away from me. She is just a child, and this feeling is wrong on so many levels. I need help, but I cannot go to a therapist. For one i cannot afford one, and secondly my wife would leave me if she found out and I cannot bear the thought of losing my son over this. I just feel... screwed.

[shatteredhopes]

I want to share a little of my story with you. My husband and I were volunteers for a children's home and I suspected him of having inappropriate feelings and engaging in inappropriate actions with the girls. I reported my suspicions and left him and divorced him. Years later he became the foster parent of a girl, even reported went to a doctor to ask to be castrated because he was having inappropriate feelings toward her, and unfortunately, he eventually acted upon them, destroying her life, mine indirectly, and his own, as he is now serving 18 years in prison.

While you may not feel these are sexual feelings, if you are in love with her it can proceed to that and become harder and harder to control your feelings. It is already obviously disrupting your life, so it something that should and must be addressed. First, even though you can't afford therapy, in the US for instance there are community mental health centers that treat on a discount and state mental hospitals where you can check in and get help. Your wife does not have to know the specifics only that you are depressed as therapy is confidential, the important thing is you make it an urgent priority to get treatment.

I want to recommend a book to you that has been helpful to me in the past in getting over love, "How to fall out of love" by Dr. Debra Phillips. The techniques in the book also can be reversed when approriate, so those techniques can be used to re-fall in love with your wife and redirect your feelings to your wife. I would urge you to avoid all contact with your neice, and if you must have contact only when others are around.

Knowing you have a problem and recognizing it is important as many child abusers do not, and while she is not exceptionally young, she is too young for anything reciprocal and this is unhealthy and your feelings are obviously deeply troubling to you. There is no shame in seeking treatment, it is brave to resolve something that could pose a very very serious problem before it goes to far.

Good luck and welcome to the forum!