Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

[xn728]

AHHHH SISTER,,oh how i miss you along with mich and lisa ,,,,your all so ill ,,and others to ,,im praying for you all ,,i dont believe in god but im sure yours if you have them will hear me ,,wishing for your getting better
every morning when i wake i have my meds and sit with a drink of tea ,,the birds awaken in the trees outside in my garden ,,they sound so wonderful ,,and i say my little prayer so you may all feel better ,,,
the lords prayer in fact ,,,im thinking of you all the time ,im here in the darkness with you ,,i see good at this time with my eyes but im not afraid to be in the dark take care and find strentgh in my words ,hugs ((((( sister))))),,,lots of love ken xxx

[Mich]

Thank you for the prayers. I wish you a very good night.

[shatteredhopes]

I was wondering...I saw on television a long time ago a woman whose ex-husband murdered all their children then killed himself...she had set a date by which she would decide whether to go on or not...she did and she set up a foundation to help other kids. She obviously suffered much worse than I have endured, yet I do not know how to go on in the wake of so much loss and failure and hurt and disappointment. The only answer I can come up with is somehow some learn to live with the pain that does not go away...to just go on, even if not fully living, just coping and existing and finding something useful to do with their lives, compartmentalizing the pain so it is more manageable, even though it is ever-present.

I have to find something to fill my days...the emptiness leaves too much time to grieve and think and suffer...I have to find a way to distract myself somehow, some of the time, or I don't know how much more I can take. I should clean my house but it is so repugnant to me and filled in every nook and cranny with memories that I cannot bear the task right now. I should work on my novel and other books, but I cannot bear it or even think about taking on something like that and facing yet another failure or opening raw wounds over and over in drawing upon my experience in the writing. I just really don't want to do it anymore. I cannot concentrate on reading. I cannot hardly watch television because too many triggers. My old movies I sometimes feel comfort in don't seem to help lately.

I do appreciate what I have...my mom, this forum, a place to live and food to eat and enough income to survive and a running automobile...but I appreciated my ex-boyfriend too and tried so hard to make the relationship work, yet, still lost him...I fear losing still more...that's just how life is at least for some of us...loss is the one constant. It is ironic that I realized I was truly happy for the first time in my life only then, a few days later, would have my life thrown in the start of a downward spiral with my ex-husband's arrest.

I don't know how some endure so much worse than I do and still cope and go on and even sometimes manage to be happy...maybe they are stronger, more spiritually fit, or something...I wish I could manage better and find something....some new dream...that would make life truly worth living again.

At least, having gone down on the wellbutrin, I don't feel the crushing pain in my chest from too much emotion...its present but not quite as overwhelming as it has been. I have never had success with anti-depressants, despite trying a whole, whole lot of different ones, so it may be time to give up on them altogether...and look for something else...what I just don't know. I really don't.

(((((((((Brother Ken)))))))))))) thanks so much for your loving support. I am so glad you are feeling better these days. (((((((((((((Mich))))))))))))) wishing you some light...

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes))))) I think you have it right when you say others may be able to compartmentalize the pain. I have also not been able to do that.
How about your volunteering? Could you get back to that a little bit? Could you force yourself to get out of the house say 2 days per week? You are so right....a focus is needed. A way to fill the emptiness. Any organization would be thrilled to bits to get you as a volunteer. Notice how we are each encouraging each other to get out and be around people but neither of us is doing it. Can we take a step together? We both know that being in the house, feeling paralyzed and miserable is not helping us. Can we take a step outside our comfort zones and try to get out there? I would really like to see us do this for ourselves.

[xn728]

hey sister just popped in to say hello ,,im missing you on the forum ,,i know your suffering ,but you will come thru this ,,please remain strong ,and i will pray for you to be better ,,,thoughts are with you hugs
(((((sister))))),,love ken xxx NIGHT NIGHT

[shatteredhopes]

My horoscope on my homepage yesterday said "Don't take anything for granted" and that upset me greatly...like an omen...I have lost nearly everything I love and fear what I will lose next...my home? my eyesight? my mom?...and fear the next painful event. Never know when the blows are coming...I already have more than I can bear and don't want to go on and fear so much...I am so afraid of even trying anything for fear of getting hurt. (((((((((Mich)))))))))) its a good thought about volunteering, I am just not in a place where I can do much right now...paralyzed by the fear and anxiety and sorrow.

Most of what I once hoped for was just wishful thinking...sometimes wishes come true but mostly not...hope needs to be grounded in something. It seems I can't count on anything but the bad, loss, and pain. Yet worry then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just can't go on like this. Its just too much.

(((((((((Ken))))))))) thanks for your support brother.

[xn728]

WELL IM HOPEING (((((SISTER)))))),ive no need to talk of hope ,i was the worst offender for giving up ,even now i think why me ,why am i well it
doesnt seem fair ,,that i should be suddenly made to feel better ,but please dont you give up hope ,look forward its hard ,its painful ,yes all bad is happening just now ,dont lay down sister ,dont let it win ,when you come thru this you will have shown the darkness that you wont be beat ,,
you will bend but you wont break ,,i love you presance here your posts are such a means of support for others ,,take some time and look around at some of the remarks youve had ,,all good ,,you are a great person and i for one wont allow you to fall ,,,,hugs ((((((sister))))),,,,love ken xxxxx

[Mich]

Even when it seems like you cannot go on, you simply must keep going and not give up hope. Look what has happened for Ken...he is experiencing good feelings and happy times. This can happen for us as well. We have to take a step to pull ourselves up. What can you do? If the "old faithfuls" are not working, you will have to try something new. How about a brisk walk? Feel the fresh air and take in the nature around you.
I am going to send you a PM.

[shatteredhopes]

Well, thanks for your responses ((((((((ken)))))))) and your message too ((((((((((((Mich))))))))))). The hospital is out of the question...I cannot afford a decent private hospital insurance co-pays (if they even accept my insurance) as I cannot make ends meet hardly now, and the state hospital is where I was traumatized, so it is out of the question as it would make me far worse. Can't read...can't seem to concentrate...

I learned the local domestic violence/sexual assault shelter has closed its doors yet again for absense of funds. This being a personal issue for me and having over a decade of professional fundraising experience, I feel like maybe calling them and helping them generate some income. I just can't bear the thought that someone who is raped, molested, or physically abused in my community has no where to turn. Ironically, I had contacted them when I was having my breakdown about counseling for the PTSD related to what I had suffered, as they used to have free programs for adult survivors. They were closed then too, for shortage of funds. The unfortunate thing is this community is struggling so much financially and that makes them not only short of funds, but the stress of financial crisis often increases the incidence of domestic violence. I am not sure I am up for this, but if I can somehow manage, it will keep me busy and I might be able to use my experience to help them re-open their doors.

I am doing a bit better having decreased the wellbutrin, not much, but no where near as severe as it has been. I am thinking of going off the wellbutrin altogether. It may very well be making me worse.

[Mich]

Wow! I think that would be a fabulous idea! I bet you are really fantastic at that and it is for a super great cause. I hope you decide to "go for it"...this could bring you purpose and sense of accomplishment. This could really pick you up. Keep us posted.

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Mich))))))))) thanks. Don't know when or if I'll ever be up to contacting them, would like to, just in bad shape right now.

Although its a bit better being down on the wellbutrin and I am tapering off it entirely, I caught a clip on television this morning about PTSD. Said it cannot be cured only treated, and trauma effects can be cumulative...so how am I ever gunna get better, well enough to work or write or do anything if I cannot get treatment? I know the cumulative part because the repeated traumas over last five years and just bad stuff happening have crippled me. I really thought my ex was my 'last hope' for any kind of life...do you know I didn't even fully love him much at first...just thought he was my soulmate...stupid 'signs'...and learned to love him over time...now I wish I'd never met him as this has set me back about as bad as I have ever been...I fear going insane again...just driving down the road yesterday something reminded me and I just burst into tears. It comes from nowhere...the slightest thing can send me into momentary crippling despair...after I cry I sometimes feel a little relief...when I wake up if I don't have bad dreams I feel okay and feel slightly postive but inevitably something happens that sends me spiraling and ruins the day. My thoughts, once triggered, become obsessive...

My life is a train wreck and I just hang on and exist as best I can without ending my life while my mom is alive. I really don't see what if anything could make life worth living again. No family for me, no mate (I cannot risk that level of pain again), no friends (I cannot risk that kind of betrayal and hurt again), no work (too emotionally disabled and physically challenged at times from physical pain), no money to do things for myself that may help (like getting a pet)...I am in my later years and don't see the point or have the ability to somehow start over and wouldn't know what to do even if I did have the ability...I just don't know the point of continued suffering when I have nothing but obligation to my elderly mom who isn't going to be around much longer. My house is a complete wreck, the ceiling in my back room is ready to collapse from leakage and there is a huge whole in the ceiling to the attic in my kitchen from where it caved in from leakage. But I know in this market I will take a big loss if I can even sell it and then will have to pay rent somewhere and not be even better off financially and have less security.

I miss so much I have lost. I really don't see what I can reasonably hope for, and tired of wishful thinking getting my hopes up for something that cannot happen or is completely unlikely given how disappointing that is when reality sets in.

I am not having a bad day, I am having a bad life.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I often feel hesitant about replying to posts. I know that many people have far worse problems than me, and I'm very much aware that I don't have all, ( Any? ), of the answers. To be honest, there are days when I'm not even sure that I understand the questions anymore!
Like so many others, I SO hope that you can find something to help you through such a bleak time. I think that you would be of great help to the shelter that you mentioned. Afterall, how many people could help with the fundraising side of things and also be able to understand the experiences of the people who need the services that the shelter offers?
And, in this severe economic climate , groups like the shelter really are going to need all the help that they can get!!!!
I often feel frightened of the future and wonder if I'm ever going to find my " niche " in the world. I often comfort myself by thinking if change is happening all the time, then perhaps it may throw up some new, good, possibilities. You never can tell the future, can you? You can never be sure what might happen next? At least, it's something to cling to, for me anyway!
Please take care of yourself

[Mich]

I like what tacking said. I hope you won't completely discard the idea of the shelter. *hugs*

[xn728]

hey (((((sister))))),,,ive been silent for a few days ,,i hope your doing ok ,
just stay with it my dear freind ,you will see more clearly soon ,,im wishing for you to feel better ,,,hugs (((((shatteredhopes))))),,,lots of love
ken xxx

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((My brother, ken)))))))))))(((((((((((Mich))))))))))))(((((((((Tacking)))))))))) I suppose you are right, that something good I don't anticipate or can't think of now could happen. Problem is I either seem to be hopeless, or full of ambitious false hopes that lead to high expectations and inevitably, disappointment. I wish I were more balanced.

Have dropped back even more on the wellbutrin and am tapering completely off, and seem to be feeling a good bit better as far as the depression (not so suicidal at least) but anxiety is still intense. Went to lunch with my mom yesterday and helped her shop and she bought me some groceries. Two things to be grateful for. Then I offered my sweet neighbor who mows my grass even though I haven't been able to pay him in along time some money, just a little, begged him to take it and he refused, saying he knew I could use it more than he could, diminishing the enormous service is providing me, and saying maybe someday he'll need my help with something...I wish he would have taken the money but at the same time I am so grateful to have it and to have such a kind neighbor. I also posted a bit on political website and felt good about it, and received a glowing compliment. I came up with a few ideas about how and people to contact who might be able to help get some money into the shelter/crisis center and hopefully will feel up to pursuing in the next few days. Just will be very disappointed if it doesn't work out as personal issue for me and can't bear the thought of another failure, especially on something as important as this.

Anyway, thanks for all your love and support my friends, my family!

You literally help me hang on so many times, I just can't express in words how much your caring means to me.