repressed abuse leaving me feeling lost

[LOSTME77]

Hello everyone, for years I have known something was wrong with me but was too embarrased and shameful to get help. I recently decided I could not take it anymore and really wanted to die so realizing I was in trouble I started going to a theripist.

So far it has been the best decision ive made in years although very painfull. Ive been treated using EMDR therapy and it has brought up memories that I had repressed of a babysitter sexually abusing me when I was really young. When I think about it I can feel her hand on my head and feel like I cannot breathe. the anxiety is so bad that I dont want to leave my house or be around anyone and its really bringing up thoughts I had as a child of wanting to kill myself. The therapy is really helping me but feel I need something that will help me between sessions so here I am.

I dont really know how I feel right now, my world feels flipped upside down and im so confused. I feel empty and hopeless and feel like im a burden to my wife who now has to suffer because of my problems. I really feel death would be easier but am not suicidal, I just wish that I could die some other way and it could all be over and my wife could move on and be happier and I would not have to deal with this anymore.

I know thats not the answer and that someday I might be "fixed" but it seems so far away. On top of all those feelings I have been sexually compulsive for as long as I can remember. I used to think I was just a really sexual person but now I see that ive just been repeating my sexual abuse. I dont know how to "make love" anymore but instead have a feeling of needing to be abused during sex whether it be by being hit or called names or whatever but when its all over I feel so ashamed and have to get away from the person and be alone.

I know that I dont want to be like this anymore but at the same time I feel scared that I will not ever get treated like that again if I get better.

I dont know if this post makes any sense cause im not sure what does make sense anymore but I just needed to write this and get some of these feelings out. Thank you all for being here.

[Mich]

It took a lot of courage for you to share your story. I think it is good that you were able to do so. Please don't give up. I strongly believe that you can heal from this. I am also a survivor of abuse and working through it in therapy. Your wife loves and needs you and wants you with her. Keep on going with your treatment. Better days await you.

[xn728]

I WAS RAPED AS A YOUNG BOY OF SEVEN and it is hard to live with ,these
things we carry with us and they are a great burden ,,you must be strong and carry on with your treatment ,,depression is very clever it will try to trick you and make you fall down ,,,,it is being very unkind to me at this time ,,but i know i must rise again ,,,you will find much support here and make many new freinds your wife loves you and will be finding it hard to understand. you must be strong and work together ,,,,reach out and we will catch your fall ,,,,
welcome home my dear freind ,,,dont feel alone ,,,,hugs xn728xxx

[LOSTME77]

Thank you all for your support, today has been a bit better but still just kinda bla. Ive got my next appt for therapy on Friday and really looking forward to it. Just trying to get fixed feels good whether or not its possible I dont know but it does feel good. I also find it theraputic to let it out here so again thank you all for listening and for the kind replies, they really help me alot right now

[LOSTME77]

Hey all, today is really bad and im not sure why. I had therepy yesterday and had a good day. I seem to be up in mood following my therepy appointments and I really enjoy them. It feels so good to talk openly without fear or judgement.

Today I am thinking constantly about what I went through as a child and how it has effected me for all these years, I also am really just hopeless right now and cannot see an end to the pain. I just dont want to do anything and cannot even fathom the thought of being around people right now. I am just lost and dont know what to do. I feel like I really need daily therepy at this point but cannot afford the money or time it would take so im not sure what ill do at this point.

Does any1 know of any phone hotline's that are free to call just to talk?

[LOSTME77]

Ok, so its been awhile since ive written anything on here. Since my last post things have really been up and down. Ive had some really good days and some really bad days.

I am feeling alot of social anxiety right now and have been for a few days. I really just wanna close all the shades and stay home and do nothing. I do not want to see anyone but I have to work tonight. Im really feeling anxiety cause I know i have to leave the house for work and fake being in a good mood.

Its such a strange feeling I have. I used to work out alot and lost alot of weight but have not worked out in months. I can feel the weight coming back and want to change that but every time I start a workout I just cant mentally do it and stop, then that leads to more depression which makes it even harder to work out or be around people.

My doc changed my meds from Zoloft to Cymbalta. The Zoloft was at 50mg and I bumped that up to 100mg, it seemed to work somewhat but not quite enough and im now on 30mg of Cymbalta twice a day and it does not seem to help much at all. I feel like he changed it so the drug company could make more money off me since there is no generic for Cymbalta or maybe no drug can help me feel better. I dont know but feel really lost right now.

I still think about suicide alot and how I would do it but I know I cant do that to my wife and kids, so although I wish I could do it i am not suicidal. I just really dont know what to do or think but felt like sharing my thoughts in hopes itll make me or someone else feel even a little better.